This past weekend with our friends was a wonderful respite from what our life has been as of late. They brought their 11mth old son with and we both cherished the time we were able to spend cuddling & loving on him. It was hard at times because of course we couldn’t help but think of what we will never experience with our own daughter and the hole that is left by her no longer being with us painfully aches. Also though we both felt it really engrained in us the belief that we could completely & utterly love a child who is not biologically ours. This is not to say we have definitely decided we will pursue adoption, it is still too soon and we’re just considering our options in the future, but we are both feeling our hearts tugging in this direction at times recently. This being said I still deeply ache to carry a child myself and am not sure I have reconciled letting go of this intense desire.
My post partum visit with the doctor Monday went as well as you can expect given the circumstances. She was incredibly kind and thankfully since I made the appointment early in the morning I did not have to wait long or see lots of pregnant women. She did say I would be at an increased risk of pre term delivery in the future as the biggest risk factor for this is previous pre term delivery. Really though the only thing that would be different with any future pregnancies is that they will recommend weekly progesterone injections from 16-37wks. So really nothing I didn’t expect to hear, but still really difficult to accept. And most of all terrifying to think that even though I would again do my best to be the model pregnant patient the worst could happen a second time. This is incredibly hard to think about and is the thought that haunts me.
Been feeling lots of ups & downs lately. My heart so deeply aches for Lily and the future that we will no longer share together. Most days I can’t help but think, how has this turned into my life, it’s so hard to grasp at times. This is a song another BLM posted earlier this week and I completely connected with the words…as the song says “it happens in a blink”, the reality of how fast our lives can dramatically change is etched into my soul. As well as the truth given by intense tragedy & grief that “the only thing that matters is how we loved”….so, so true! Thank you for being a part of my life if only for a little while Lily & teaching me to love deeply, I know that I want to honor your brief life by making the most of the time I have left on this earth.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
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12 comments:
That is so true how things can change in the "blink" of an eye. I bet that was good and hard at the same time to be with friends and a little one. I remember practicing photography w/ some friends and their kids right after my chemical pregnancy and I kept wishing I had my own little one to take pics of.
I think you are right to take your time before pursuing another course. You will know when you are ready.
Thinking of you.
one day at a time: isn't that our mantra these days?! love ya.
I really like that song, thank you for sharing.
Have they talked about a cerclage at all? I know you didn't have IC but it seems like that couldn't really hurt, I would think. At my infant loss support group the counselor/nurse that runs it said that high risk doctors should absolutely agree to at least do a consult with you after a non-miscarriage pregnancy loss. So you might want to look into that just to see what they say.
Thank you so much for this reminder ... especially the part of the song that says "the only thing that matters is how we have loved."
As I go through this pregnancy, taking it one day at a time, praying that I make it through to the end this time, I keep thinking that I want to, need to, do things differently this time around ... I have felt too much slip through my fingers.
Life does pass us in a blink, but I think it's good to take your time to decide what to do next. I think of you so often, sending you thoughts of love and light.
I like that song, too. I've been hearing it a lot on the radio while I'm driving. That and Kutless' "What Faith Can do".
I feel the ups-and-downs, the should-haves and could-have-beens, too. It's a really tough place to be. But you're right, our life on earth is short so in honor of our babies we should live our lives to the fullest and not take things for granted.
I'm very sorry for the very recent loss of your daughter. Glad you could find a moment of respite during this tough time. I've lost two babies and it's SO hard to find a way forward. I hope you will soon find the right path for you.
I've been wondering how you are and continuing to think of you. Thank you for posting your most recent thoughts. I'm glad to hear adoption is on your hearts. It can feel good to start thinking about what is next but we also need to allow ourselves time, which is what you are doing. I'm sorry to hear that if you decide and are able to have another pregnancy, that you'd have to do injections the whole time. My heart went out to you when I read that. I'm just sorry your journey is much harder than anticipated. I sometimes want to scream for you "It's no fair!!!" Here for you... with (((hugs)))
Thinking of you...
Sending love. Feel free to email if you ever want to try and get together. I've met up with two other BLM's in the area.
love the song, love the post...stay strong in the Lord..sending you lots of love <3
I am glad you had a good weekend though I can well understand that parts of it were bittersweet. I also think that giving yourselves time to decide on next steps is very, very smart. It's still so new, so raw. It's terrible the way that life turns on a dime. Random and ugly. And so I think that you are karmically owed some GOOD turns of that dime. I wish that for you. And you will carry Lily with you. Always.
I am glad to hear that you can see some sunshine through the clouds, thought I am sure it isn't easy. You are a strong and amazing woman! I keep you in my prayers regularly.
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