Heartbeat confirmed...

Had my last ultrasound at the RE’s office this morning and thankfully received only reassuring news. Baby was measuring right on target at 7wks 3 days and got to hear the heartbeat which was 155bpm. The clinic gave us a USB stick with several of the pictures which we loved. As always, it was bittersweet saying goodbye to them.  Thrilled to have passed another major milestone and really, really hoping this is going to be a smooth sailing pregnancy! 

Good news continues...

The first ultrasound went well this morning. They were able to see both the gestational sac in the uterus and the yolk sac which they said is fantastic for this stage of the pregnancy (officially 5wks 3days)! They also ran a TSH level today which came back normal! I'll return to the RE's office again in two weeks. I'll be 7wks 3 days, and they hope to be able to hear the heartbeat at that time. 

Ironically, today was the first morning I started to feel a bit nauseated while I was waiting in RE's office of all places; had to laugh at that! Time to break out the ginger tea and ginger ale! I'm also feeling more fatigue then usual, but otherwise just feeling really thankful and hopeful that this pregnancy continues smoothly. Would love for this to be the one that makes it to full term!!! Such a foreign concept to me!

We're getting excited to celebrate with friends and family this weekend as we're returning home to throw a baby shower for one of my oldest and very dearest friends, who after many years of battling infertility will be welcoming her baby boy into the world around Thanksgiving! 

We enjoyed a wonderful weekend and fun trip to the pumpkin patch this past Sunday. Here are a couple pics of us and our amazing little man. 

On this October 15th, Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day, more than three years out from losing Lillian Grace, I'm feeling thankful, grateful and blessed for where we find ourselves today. 

Beta number 2....

Thrilled to report that we received a fantastically reassuring beta number again today! It has more then doubled and was 2,312!!!!

Still doesn't seem totally real yet but definitely feeling excited and hopeful. They're actually having me go in for my first ultrasound already next week and then another a couple weeks after that. Initially the clinic wanted me to do one a week starting next week through 8wks but since we have to pay out of pocket for everything at the RE's office and each of them are $288 I talked them down to just doing the two. One step at a time is what I keep telling myself, breathing in and trying to enjoy the moment.

Step one complete....

We took a home pregnancy test this weekend and below was the result.

That same morning we were leaving a birthday party of one of Ian’s friends when Nick happened to look down and saw this….a lucky sign perhaps?

Then yesterday we had our first beta draw! We didn’t find out the result until this morning because the lab forgot to enter it as a stat draw. So needless to say I was a basket of nerves last night waiting to hear, but the nurse called this morning and the numbers are fantastic!!!  My hcg was 1,098 and my progesterone was 29.4!!!! This is slightly higher than the reading with Ian even though it was taken a day earlier!

So we're definitely off to a good start. We'll have our second beta tomorrow and hopefully will see good strong numbers again. We’ve got a really long way to go before we can get too excited, but we can at least cross step one off the list as a smashing success! 

Waiting is the hardest part...

The remainder of our trip after transfer was great. We were able to go out to dinner with our donor couple the night before we flew out. It was so wonderful to be able to spend that time with them talking about our kids and catching up. Of course bed rest and all that time I was able to spend reading was amazing as well. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement! 

Ugh, but this waiting game… I had blocked out how incredibly hard the waiting is. Really up until yesterday I’d been doing pretty well managing, but then I started to feel more emotional and impatient to know. Yesterday, in a new moms group I’m involved with, someone at my table shared that she just lost her baby at 10wks a couple of weeks ago and is having a hard time. I of course was stricken yet again by the sadness of how often miscarriage, infant loss and stillbirth occur. I've had to compartmentalize a lot going into this treatment cycle, thinking in terms of one small step at a time, first getting through the cycle itself, then a BFP, then first beta, then second beta, and so on because if I think  about all of it at once it’s so completely overwhelming. When she shared her loss it threw me back a bit into the many scary outcomes that can occur even if we get a BFP. Then of course I log onto fb and see a pregnancy announcement for baby #4…seriously?! I was talking to a friend who personally knows the difficulty of infertility the other day about how wild it is that getting pregnant can be so simple for some people and then impossibly hard for others; still even after all these years its baffling.

So today, in the midst of all the emotions and worries, I’m trying to focus on perspective since that always seems to ground me a bit. My family is healthy and all of our basic needs are met, which in itself is so much more than countless others in this world. I started a new social work job just a few hours a week at a local hospital a couple months ago and every day at that job I’m reminded of how blessed we are. It's a constant reminder that life can change in an instant and that there are no guarantees in this life. So today I choose to focus on gratitude for those things that we do have as we wait & wonder and most of all cautiously hope.