With that day everything changed. Our daughter, Lillian Grace, was born, lived, and died. We existed in a surreal place in which we never could have imagined. A place in which you plan your child’s funeral. You stand before your closest family with your daughter’s urn beside you and think this just all seems so unreal. We became acquainted with grief on a deep level. We felt sadness, despair, and wondered how we would move forward. We learned there is a whole world of other couples who have experienced this same type of loss and grief through other blogs, and we felt not so completely alone with our sadness. On the difficult days as I returned to work and saw the rest of the world was continuing forward oblivious to my deep loss, what got me through was that knowledge that I was not alone and that many of you knew my pain. We began to pick up the pieces and we learned how to incorporate the grief into our daily lives; how to move forward even when it’s the last thing you want to do. Our pastor said something really poignant that stuck with my husband. He read from the famous Psalm, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” and focused in on the word walk. Don’t run. Don’t stop and sit down. Walk through your grief and your pain, and I think we’ve tried really had to do just that.
Thankfully that is not where our story ends. Although 2010 as a whole was the worst and most painful year of our lives, there were glimpses of hope that began to reemerge and blessings that we never could have imagined that came into play. We learned of something called embryo donation and made the decision to place an ad on Miracles Waiting, and that is when, for the second time in a year, our lives were changed dramatically. We were contacted by a donor family who had seen my blog and knew our story. After many heartfelt e-mails this family came to visit us and the decision was made to move forward with open embryo adoption together. The hope this family brought us and the selfless gift they have given are something that will forever shape our lives. They are a part of our story now. This hope couldn’t have come at a better time; they gave us a lifeline when we needed it most. Sadly, we were about to be reminded again of how precarious this life can be. It was late in the day in October when one of my closest friends, Tiffany, called with the most unimaginable news. Her 4 ½ month old son was dead from SIDS. Again, grief was pushing its way into our lives; we were shaken and reminded of how little control we have to protect those we love. This year has been one of survival for many of us, and I am thankful we are all still standing and continuing in spite of all the pain that we have endured to feel hope that better days await us in 2011.
For us it is with mercy that this year began to come to a close. We had our first donor cycle FET and are now beginning the journey of a new pregnancy. We are different people as this year closes; we have felt more grief, compassion, and love in one year than we could have imagined. I will forever be thankful that you were all here walking beside us throughout the highs and lows of this past year. We hold so much hope that the New Year carries peace and dreams fulfilled for us and so many others.
