Processing that it's over...

The clinic told me that the hcg level was essentially the same yesterday as Thursday, so they gave me the go ahead to stop all medications. I'll return to the clinic Monday for another lab draw to ensure the hcg level is dropping as it should. Wine was on the agenda last night; enjoyed the virtual drinks with some of you! Going to take some time off now to get my body back in shape and lose the weight I gained with this cycle. Thanks for the love & support. We're doing okay, and both of us felt having Ian helps a lot, and he makes this feel like less of a devastating loss. Don't get me wrong, it sucks a lot, but we can still move forward. Life is still a beautiful mix of joy that our boy brings which helps to temper the grief. At this stage we're still processing, and I'm certain we'll continue experiencing a plethora of emotions as we accept that this cycle is over.

And so it ends before it ever really begins...

So the first hcg level came back at 92 which at this stage should be in the 400-500 range. Going in tomorrow morning for another lab draw to ensure the levels are decreasing and there isn't concern for an ectopic pregnancy. We're doing okay honestly if something is going to go wrong glad it's happening at this stage and not a few weeks from now but sucks all the same. Just really hoping things happen naturally and ready to down some wine tomorrow once I know everything is ok.

The home test says...

So as with the last two times we’ve gone through treatment, it was my husband that just couldn’t wait any longer and encouraged me to POAS a few days before our blood test. A close friend who works at a clinic was able to get me a freebie pregnancy test, and Sunday morning we took the first test…and sure enough as you can see it was light but there was definitely an extra line! (Two lines is positive)

 

The whole testing at home thing always has me SO nervous. I almost felt like I was going to be sick before we looked at the results of this test! And then of course I start second guessing, worried that because the line was faint it might not be right, and so I tested again Tuesday morning and saw another faint but definite line.

Needless to say, I really am looking forward to the reassurance of the hCG blood test Thursday morning so I can feel a bit more confident that things are as they should be at this stage. We’re going to be traveling for the Easter weekend so I’ll post if I’m able to get the results back soon enough Thursday, and if not will when we return home.

I think it’s time to break out that copy of Franchesca’s book CelebratingPregnancy Again to help get me in a positive mindset! I really want to embrace this pregnancy with joy and not let fear dictate my mind. So much of Ian’s pregnancy was filled with worry and concern about all that can go wrong, and while I know it can’t be completely wiped from my mind I want to enjoy this pregnancy more and lean more towards hope than fear. One step at a time. I’m celebrating this first milestone and really, really hoping for many more and, my goodness, hoping for a full term pregnancy this time! Is that too much to ask?!?!

Welcome home little embryo..

Thank you all so much for the thoughts, kind words and prayers!! So far the trip has been going wonderfully. Ian tolerated the flight well; there were a couple fussy moments and one small meltdown, but overall we felt like it went about as good as we could have hoped. And, as witnessed by another toddler on our flight, could have gone much worse!

We enjoyed a lovely dinner with our donor family here, and it was wonderful for them to finally get to meet Ian! We'll be getting together again tomorrow night, and while I'm already very much looking forward to it, I'm also sad we won't get to spend more time together this trip. It's amazing this bond we share and the way in which the paths our families each took brought us to each other, thus making us family in the process. The gift of embryos they entrusted to us, the ripple effect that gift has had in creating Ian's life, our family, and everyone his life touches. That is one powerful, incredible thing, and it reminds me once again of all the goodness there is in this world and our responsibility to continue to pass on the love and faith that was entrusted to us.

So on to the big event! The transfer this afternoon went flawlessly. The first embryo thawed beautifully, and as you can see from the picture below, was a high grade hatching embryo just like Ian!!! Thinking positive thoughts and hoping it's making itself nice and comfy for the long haul...and hopefully longer then Ian did:)

It was odd being back in the clinic since the last time was for Ian's transfer. It brought up a lot of emotion for me, and I found myself trying to not to get too weepy! It was wonderful to see the RE that did Ian's transfer again, and when she asked about my necklace I definitely got a little teary! Then seeing our little embryo flash across the screen during transfer in that same room where Ian first became a part of our lives. Well, I definitely had to wipe a tear at all that!

Now on to enjoying 24hrs of bed rest as the clinic suggests while Nick keeps up with Ian! I'm drinking loads of hot water like I did after Ians transfer. You never know, but I remember reading before his transfer that drinking warm liquids is good after transfer  as you want a warm uterus for implantation so figured might as well continue that tradition too. Nick caught this cute pic of Ian cuddling with Momma and maybe his next sibling when I got back to the hotel this afternoon! And now the 2 week wait ensues...hoping it goes by blessedly fast, but let's be real, it's probably going to seem to move in slow motion!!

And we're off...

Our bags are packed, we’re ready to go!!! Those of you who have been following me for a long time might remember a special charm our donor family gave me before our first FET. A necklace with a charm that said hope, which she wore for her IVF cycle and I subsequently wore for Ian’s FET. Though I’m not particularly superstitious, I do feel like there is a reverence and importance attached to tradition and faith (and okay a little luck might be mixed in there as well!). So I’ll be wearing that hope charm again for this FET, this time with my angel wing charm in remembrance of Lily and Ian’s birthstone. It’s a symbol of all that brought us to this transfer and the hope we hold for the future.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement, prayers and support as we go into this transfer. Our flight will be leaving early tomorrow morning, and transfer is set to occur Thursday afternoon! I loved this quote when I saw it on Pinterest and feel like it’s appropriate as love is really the thing that’s gotten us through all of the whirlwind ups and downs of the last few years and given us strength in the darkest days. The love we have for Ian and the embryos waiting for us is what gives us courage to move forward in spite of the past. 

It's a date!!!

Thankfully my lab work and ultrasound went well this morning. My uterine lining is up to almost 10mm so everything is a go for our embryo transfer next week!!! We’ll be flying out early next Wednesday and transfer will take place the afternoon of Thursday, March 14^th. In terms of medication protocol I’m continuing with the current nightly Lupron injections and Estrace pills until Saturday at which time we’ll be adding in Doxycycline twice a day, Medrol once a day and the dreaded Progesterone injections once a day until transfer. Not going to lie, I’ve been wincing at the thought of those Progesterone injections since the big box of meds arrived. Although I do remember in the past when I had to do them that once I was into the routine it wasn’t as bad, but ugh, I do recall how much they hurt and how tender the injections sights get after repeated daily poking. After the transfer I’ll continue just the Estrace pills and the nightly Progesterone injections until the pregnancy test.

A week out I’m feeling more positive about our delay in the cycle. I know I would have wondered if it didn’t work out whether it was because we needed that additional week to plump up the uterine lining and the estradiol levels, and now I know we’ve given it our best and hopefully our little embryo will find my uterus to be a lovely hospitable home and decide to stick around for the long haul. We were disappointed that we had to change our original length of time while in the Northeast. When we called to change our flights the cost was substantially higher to leave on Sunday vs. Saturday, so unfortunately we’ll get far less time to spend with our donor family. But with the already additional cost of changing the tickets, the extra monitoring appointment today and the uncertainty of whether we’ll need to do more treatment cycles in the near future, if this one doesn’t work we just couldn’t justify the higher expense.

Also, for those of you who have experienced loss, you’ve got to check out this post by Brooke. It really resonated with me as I’ve had so many of the same feelings lately. I’ve seen and heard several people recently talk about how people make too big a deal about pregnancy and that it’s such a normal process, but for those of us who have coped with the loss of a baby it is not. Unfortunately, it is a process that is full of fear & worry, and I wish so much that I could be one of those people who didn’t know all that could go terribly wrong, who could be so nonchalant about eating, drinking and being as physically active as I’d like while pregnant. But those days are long gone for me. I know this is a tight rope act of walking between hope and fear, and although I’m ready to balance this possible pregnancy as best I can, I wish that others could understand the courage and strength it takes to carry a baby after loss. It is a constant battle between your fear of the past and your attempt to embrace this life you are carrying with joy. It is far from simple.

So off we go next week to pick up another of our donor embryos and potential newest family member. It’s exciting and anxiety provoking all in one, but I’m trying my best to focus on the positive and hold hope for what may be to come. One step at a time, as I’m sure I’ll be reminding myself of frequently in the future!