All that really matters...

This past weekend with our friends was a wonderful respite from what our life has been as of late. They brought their 11mth old son with and we both cherished the time we were able to spend cuddling & loving on him. It was hard at times because of course we couldn’t help but think of what we will never experience with our own daughter and the hole that is left by her no longer being with us painfully aches. Also though we both felt it really engrained in us the belief that we could completely & utterly love a child who is not biologically ours. This is not to say we have definitely decided we will pursue adoption, it is still too soon and we’re just considering our options in the future, but we are both feeling our hearts tugging in this direction at times recently. This being said I still deeply ache to carry a child myself and am not sure I have reconciled letting go of this intense desire.

My post partum visit with the doctor Monday went as well as you can expect given the circumstances. She was incredibly kind and thankfully since I made the appointment early in the morning I did not have to wait long or see lots of pregnant women. She did say I would be at an increased risk of pre term delivery in the future as the biggest risk factor for this is previous pre term delivery. Really though the only thing that would be different with any future pregnancies is that they will recommend weekly progesterone injections from 16-37wks. So really nothing I didn’t expect to hear, but still really difficult to accept. And most of all terrifying to think that even though I would again do my best to be the model pregnant patient the worst could happen a second time. This is incredibly hard to think about and is the thought that haunts me.

Been feeling lots of ups & downs lately. My heart so deeply aches for Lily and the future that we will no longer share together. Most days I can’t help but think, how has this turned into my life, it’s so hard to grasp at times. This is a song another BLM posted earlier this week and I completely connected with the words…as the song says “it happens in a blink”, the reality of how fast our lives can dramatically change is etched into my soul. As well as the truth given by intense tragedy & grief that “the only thing that matters is how we loved”….so, so true! Thank you for being a part of my life if only for a little while Lily & teaching me to love deeply, I know that I want to honor your brief life by making the most of the time I have left on this earth.

Difficult answers...

I finally heard back from my OB’s office today regarding the pathology report they received from the hospital. The report analyzed the placenta. My doctor said the results indicated what she had believed to be the case; it was an asymptomatic infection which caused me to go into preterm labor. The good news with this is that she said any subsequent pregnancies should not be affected by this. The bad news is it’s very difficult to accept that something as simple as an infection caused the loss of my daughter. That, and I can’t help but think I should have known something was wrong. She assured me that there were no signs of placental abruption as the cause of preterm labor & I was definitely not showing any signs of incompetent cervix, both of which I was concerned about as I’ve heard many baby loss mothers uses these terms as the cause of their losses. She said that with any subsequent pregnancies they will plan to have me on progesterone injections weekly until 37wks into the pregnancy as this is the only thing they’ve found throughout the years to help maintain pregnancy. So although I guess this news is about as good as it can be given the situation, it is still incredibly hard to accept. My post partum visit with her is scheduled for Monday morning, which I’m praying isn’t too difficult as far as lots of perky talkative pregnant women in the waiting room. I scheduled it for early in the morning in the hopes I wouldn’t have to wait long in a waiting room full of what reminds me of where my life should be instead of where it is. As if we already didn’t feel we fell into the minority of statistical worst case scenarios of what can happen regarding infertility we now apparently do in pregnancy as well. Such an incredibly simple freak cause and yet with such devastating results.

Earlier this week we got Lily’s death certificate in the mail and then a couple of days later her birth certificate. Hard to believe this is my life now. This has been a pretty difficult week emotionally. It’s odd and I wouldn’t have expected that, but for some reason the emotions hit me hard at the beginning of the week. I guess rationally I know that grief is something that hits you in waves and sometimes in the most unexpected moments, but living it is different. Looking forward to a visit from some of our very close friends this weekend, they’re flying into town tonight and I think it’s exactly what we need at this moment.

I’ll leave you all with a quote that was shared with me by a fellow blogger…
'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”    --Washington Irving

Struggling to find understanding…

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to understand why we lost our daughter; why after trying so hard to have a child ours was taken from us. I’ll admit that lately I’ve had a very difficult time with accepting that there is likely no understanding it, no reason that would make it acceptable. It’s just so painfully unfair…I can’t stop asking why people like us who are so prepared to become parents and so badly want to aren’t able while I see so many people on a daily basis who can easily conceive & yet don’t take care of the multiple children they have. I think I’m entering into the anger stage of grieving, because to be frank, it makes me feel incredibly angry at the universe & God that this happens. What good does it do this world that we are denied a child while others are given children they abuse and neglect? I realize there is not always a clear cut answer for these things in life and that I will likely never understand the answers to these questions, but it doesn’t stop me from asking why and wondering. I know that these feeling are valid and that thankfully my God understands and is big enough to handle my anger right now.

I’ve been reading an amazing book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. If you or someone you love has experienced infant loss I highly recommend you read this book. I have shed many tears while reading it, but also feel it is helping me through the grieving process. In one section of the book Angie talks a bit about her own struggle to understand the loss of her daughter and how she needs to have a reason as to why this happened to her little girl. She says “I am the kind of person that wants to understand exactly what is happening…Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry us. Our role is to trust it into His keeping.” I’m really trying to trust right now, but I must admit it is not always easy and is itself a major struggle. I too want a reason; I want to know definitively why this happened to our family, how this can be prevented again, and what purpose this loss serves. These are answers I feel I will never know and to which at some point I will have to reconcile an acceptance towards. For now though I am merely making steps in my grief, and for me at this point that is enough.

Lastly, if you haven’t already checked out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope here is a link to my story…
http://facesofloss.blogspot.com/2010/07/rebecca-mom-to-lillian-grace-june-27th.html

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope…

I’m happy to introduce you all to a new blog that was started by Kristin of Dear Stevie. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is a blog that she just started to help put a face to pregnancy and infant loss while also helping women who are facing these struggles to know they are not alone. Please head over, check it out, and help get the word out about this amazing new resource!

Also wanted to mention an excellent article that another blogger led me to earlier this week; it is an article featured in Self magazine on infertility.

I personally think it’s terribly sad that so many people are “in the closet” about their infertility. As mentioned in the article, how can we ask for changes to occur in our society if we ourselves aren’t willing to be open about our struggles? I always feel thankful when more exposure is given to infertility in the media. If more of us were open about our journeys, then maybe infertility wouldn’t be so isolating, and those in the fertile world would be more understanding. I know personally that when sharing my story with friends and family I have received nothing but love and the desire to understand our struggles. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I’m also the type that feels strongly about where I stand on infertility issues and if someone doesn’t like it well that’s their right. I also know without a doubt that unless you’ve actually experienced infertility yourself and been through what we have, it’s impossible for you to know how you would really react given similar circumstances.

A special day that was not meant to be…

Today was supposed to be my baby shower, a day I had been looking forward to since we found out I was pregnant. The shower invites had actually been sent out just a few days before we lost Lily, and I had been excitedly stalking my registries to see what people were buying. It was going to be held at an adorable little eclectic coffee house near where our families live in Iowa. I bought a cute dress the day before I went into labor while shopping with friends. Words can’t properly describe how excited I was for this day, and now it’s just another painful reminder of what would have been.

This was a poem someone sent to me; it perfectly sums up what I’m feeling on a daily basis since Lily’s death:

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and the day before that, too.
I think of you in silence, I often say your name,
But all I have is memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone,
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
~ Author Unknown

Back to reality...

First of all, thank you all so much for the birthday wishes and love you sent my way…I really needed it and it meant a lot to me. There were really good points during the day & a couple rough ones, but overall I survived it and had more good moments than bad. I went to a bookstore and got a book another infant loss mother had recommended to me, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. Then I thought I’d use a gift card from a friend for a pedicure (which, ironically enough, was given to me some time ago, but I was too afraid to use until very late into my pregnancy b/c of concerns about how the fumes would affect the baby…a lot of good that did me huh?). Well this is where things didn’t go so well. I figured a Wednesday afternoon wouldn’t be too busy and I brought my book with me so I could relax and read. Well as I sat down in the chair & put my feet into the water I started listening to the conversation of the four women seated near me and of course what do you think they were talking about? All things pregnancy and baby name related, and as I glanced over I noticed that two of them were pregnant. I took a couple of minutes to think about whether I could actually sit there and listen to that conversation for the next 30+ minutes and promptly decided no, the grief and pain are entirely too fresh right now. I cannot pretend those feelings away. So thankfully, the pedicure had not actually begun and my feet had merely sat in the water for 3-4 minutes, so I held it together as best I could and politely told one of the employees I was sorry, but I had to go and asked that they got me a towel to dry my feet. I was able to keep my composure until I got outside the door of the salon. Yeah…that sucked a lot! Note to self, apparently I need to go with a friend for pedicures in the near future so that we can drown out any upsetting conversation with our own. Either that or a friend suggested after the fact listening to music on my iPhone, wish I would have thought of that! In the moment though, all I could think was how do I get out of this situation in a civil manner while not exploding into tears, which doesn’t leave much room for logical thinking!

Thankfully my massage, which was later in the afternoon, went much better. I hadn’t had one in years and wow did I need it! It was so peaceful, relaxing, and quite, absolutely everything I needed in that moment. Then shortly after arriving home, I got a beautiful bouquet of lilies delivered to my door with the kindest message that meant so much to me, but there was no name on the card.  I slyly called the florist and inquired as to whom it was from and they spilled the beans…it was from a blogger who has been with me from the beginning and just always seems to get me; you know who you are and again I thank God for our friendship, it means more to me than you can possibly know! Then my husband, Mr. Amazing, & I went to dinner at Bonefish Grill which was, as usual, so delicious and fantastic (and free dessert to boot!), exactly what I needed to finish off my day.

Going back to work today went okay. Everyone was very supportive and kind, it was just difficult to be back and of course saw pregnant women everywhere!!! I work in a rather large hospital and it seems there is a crazy amount of pregnant women everywhere I turn. And I can’t help but think that out of so many of us that work at this place why am I the only one who lost her baby while everyone else’s pregnancies soldier on normally…it’s just so incredibly unfair. In my mind I’m now in a place in which the ignorance of what can happen during pregnancy has been pulled out from under me, and I know all too well the reality that could occur. I’m so jaded that I think it’s more likely that women don’t make it through pregnancy with a normal, healthy baby. I can’t help but think how incredibly miraculous it is that any baby makes it to viability and survives gestation.  I have to say I’m proud of myself though, even though it was difficult at times, I held it together at work & had no embarrassing emotional outbursts. Although I got a little teary eyed at moments, no actual tears were shed, so overall I feel like the first day back went extremely well considering all that. I must say though, I could have totally gotten used to the not working thing…if only I had loads of money and could just be a philanthropist full time, but back to reality I guess!

Thank you for all the encouraging words you guys sent my way, it means so much to me to know I’m not alone even when I feel like it in the real world sometimes. Unwinding tonight with a delicious glass of wine and a good book...thankful that the weekend is just around the corner!

30th Birthday & return to work...

Tomorrow marks my 30th Birthday, and while I know this means I should be celebrating, I really don’t feel like it. I’m going to do my best though to try and enjoy some pieces of joy, however small. My wonderful husband had suggested I treat myself to a massage if I feel up to it, still trying to decide if I do. He & I are planning to go out to dinner at one of my favorite places, Bonefish Grill. And of course I will be splurging on one of their delicious, crazy expensive drinks in proper B-day fashion:) So although I’m not in much of a celebratory mood there are some great things planned for the day, so God willing I’m going to make the most of them.

Where did I think I’d be when I turned 30? Certainly not where I am now…grieving the loss of my daughter who left this world only a little over two weeks ago. In my early twenties, I always thought of myself as having children around the age of 28…just seemed right, but as I soon learned, things don’t always work out as you plan them to. As the quote by Joseph Campbell says, “we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” I’m really trying to let go of the belief that I have control over a lot of these things and come to terms with this, as well as recognize all of the good things I have that I never would have expected by 30. An incredible husband with whom I share such a strong relationship, an amazing group of friends & family that care deeply about us, a beautiful home, and a career I care deeply about. Lastly, at 30 I have a deeper sense of self, am far stronger than I have ever thought possible, and now have a perspective on life that only great tragedy can bring; these are the things I will be thankful for as I say goodbye to my 20’s and look towards what the future holds for the next part of my life.

Also, I ask that you all keep me in your thoughts & prayers, as I’m planning to try and return to work for the first time on Thursday. I thankfully am going back to a place of work that has been nothing but incredibly supportive of me throughout this tragedy and an amazing group of social workers that I know will be ready to listen and support me whenever I need them, but I am nervous to return to where I was last pregnant and the place that holds so many memories of that pregnancy. I really, really miss being pregnant & I miss Lily so much…it’s just so hard to accept.

Music is one of those things that has always touched me in a deep way and brings me comfort in difficult times. This song has really meant a lot to me these past few days; some of the lyrics seem so fitting given my life right now. Mostly I’m trying to have faith that, as one of the verses in the song says, “One day You will set all things right.”
Your Hands by JJ Heller…
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=w4gAoozKrMg&feature=related

A wonderful gift from another infant loss momma….thank you so much Kristin!

What would have been?

Some of the most difficult questions for us have been all the “what would have beens”?  What would Lily have looked like as a full grown baby? Would she have had Nick’s eyes or mine? Would she have been tall or short? Would she have been a red head or blond? What kind of little girl would she have been? How many lives would she have touched that will never know her? What kind of woman would she have become? What would have been her hopes, dreams, & aspirations? These are the questions we cannot help but ask & yet we will never know the answers to. The hopes of our future with Lily were gone before they had an opportunity to even begin. One week ago yesterday we gathered together surrounded by those who love us & said goodbye to our daughter as well as all the dreams we had for her future.

My dear friend, blogger, & fellow social worker Trinity posted this song the other day & as she so eloquently put it, this could easily be the anthem for any of us who battle infertility. The lyrics of this song really spoke to me & honestly I felt myself wanting to scream the words…No, I WON’T back down; you can stand me up at the gates of hell…in a world that keeps on dragging me down, I won’t back down!!! In the last couple of weeks I feel I have done just that, I have stood at the gates of hell & I have stood my ground. I will not allow this tragedy to be my end game & whatever it takes I have an absolute certainty that Nick & I will become parents again someday. I know there is no easy way for us in this journey, but I also know that we are strong enough & have the resolve to do whatever it takes.

Dawn Landes’ cover of I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty

Glimpses of hope in the midst of grief…

In the past few days our emotions have been so varied. We have had moments of deep sadness & then glimpses of hope & even some smiles. 

Saturday night was extremely difficult for both of us, everyone had left to go back home & we no longer were caught up in planning the preparations of Lily’s funeral. We were both feeling the loss of Lily deeply & at the same time wondering how & if we’ll ever get to be parents again. Each day after that has been a little bit better though. Thankfully, we have an incredibly strong relationship & are both very open regarding our feelings; I believe this is helping us both immensely in working through our grief. 

One glimpse of hope came on Sunday when at Nick’s parents’ home all of their lilies, in every color, suddenly came into full bloom in one afternoon…a very rare event. It felt like a beautiful sign to us that God was showing us he is caring for Lily & loves us even in our sadness.

One of the most profound acts of kindness that has touched us so deeply has come from a high school classmate in her offer to make a quilt of love using some of the clothes I had purchased for Lily. There really are no words to properly describe how much this has meant to both Nick & I. I had purchased a couple of outfits for Lily the day before she died & the thought of having to return them was more than I could handle. Then just a couple of days after her death I received the kindest message from Audra saying she would like to do this for us. Initially, when I received this message I just cried; the thought that someone who lived across the country & whom I had not had contact with since high school was reaching out to me in such a selfless way touched me to the core. Audra, your generosity and compassion have given us such hope in the midst of our grief...I feel there is nothing I can ever redo to properly repay you for what you have done for us. Dear blog followers, if any of you would like a beautiful quilt yourself or would like to purchase one for a friend, check out Audra’s Etsy page…she is also available to make custom quilts! 

http://www.etsy.com/shop/AudraRoseDesigns

There are so many things we feel Lily has already taught us…its incredible how your outlook on life can change so dramatically. The other night while talking over dinner we decided to open up the last bottle of our favorite wine from California which we had been saving for years. We each said a toast to Lily. Through our tears, we smiled, raised our glasses and enjoyed a brief moment of joy. 

Thought I’d share just a few of the things we’ve learned from you sweet, beautiful Lily…

• Life is so very precious & can change in an instant. 
• Enjoy the things you love; stop hoarding that delicious bottle of wine, find a special moment (however small) & share it with someone you love. 
• Cherish your family above all else. We would trade every material thing we have to have our daughter healthy & with us. 
• That we are far stronger than we ever thought possible & can endure in spite of our pain.
• She taught us the love that a parent has for a child, while different than the love you have for your spouse, it is just as special & powerful. 
• That the world is full of compassionate & caring people, & that although we often hear about only the bad things that happen in this world, there are also so many wonderful things people do out of the goodness of their hearts that go unnoticed.

We have experienced this care and compassion first hand on a daily basis in the past week & have felt completely in awe of the kindness of both those who know us & complete strangers. I hold on to & cherish each of these acts of compassion, both great & small…they give me hope that there is goodness in this world & that we will make it through this stronger & more compassionate people because of what we have endured. 

Saying goodbye...

As most of you know yesterday morning Nick, myself, & about 20 of our amazing family members gathered together and said goodbye to our beautiful Lillian Grace. While incredibly heart wrenching & difficult, it was also therapeutic for us both. We planned many aspects of her service, which was so important to us & our pastor did a wonderful job of officiating & helping us to pay tribute to the all too short life of Lily. Those of you who came & stood with us in our grief meant so much. It is a deeply sad occasion to attend the funeral of a child & to step into that sacred place, feeling & recognizing the depth of our loss is an indescribable gift that you all gave us.

I’d like to share a few of the things from her service. A gift that the hospital gave us which is now one of the things I hold dearest were the two small rings that were used in some of Lily’s photographs (specifically the pictures of her feet & hands). I now wear those precious rings around my neck, so that a small piece of her is always with me.

We chose the music that was played at her service & the lyrics for each song spoke so intimately to the grief & circumstances surrounding the service. The first, Smallest Wingless by Craig Cardiff, poignantly depicts a situation similar to our own; two of our close friends who are like family to us shared this song days after Lily’s death. The second, Held by Natalie Grant, is a song that I remembered from years ago which also talks of the loss of a child (and also has a lyric that mentions “lilies of the valley”). And lastly, Hope Now by Addison Road, is a song some of you may recall being mentioned in a previous post as one which brought me comfort & it only seemed fitting to end on this note.

The day after Lily’s passing, a dear friend shared with us a card that brought so much meaning to the grief we were feeling. We used the poem on the front of this card in the program for Lily’s service. It reads, “God has not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love” ~ Annie Johnson Flint.

Both Nick & I spoke during a moment of sharing at the service. As most of you know, I love to read & I felt it was only appropriate that I read a book to Lily as part of the service. The book On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman was one that I loved to read to her throughout my pregnancy, & the words to this book took on special meaning given the context of our loss. It meant so much to me to be able to do this as part of the service. Nick gave the most amazing & poignant message, speaking of the depths of this loss for us, his deep love for me, the love he now for the first time understands God has for each of us, & the sadness of never being able to rock our daughter to sleep, see her grow up, or walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. As you can imagine there was not a dry eye in the place!

We wrote our daughters obituary together earlier this week; it will run in tomorrow’s newspaper. I thought I would share it with you all since most of you are not in this area...

Lillian Grace Keunen was born on June 27, 2010, and the same day passed from this world into the arms of Jesus. Sweet and precious Lillian is the daughter of Nick & Rebecca Keunen of Wichita. Her grandparents are Harve & Lori Keunen of Alton, Iowa, and Orval & Jody Hinrichsen of Hinton, Iowa. A private family service was held at Chapel Hill United Methodist Church officiated by Pastor Jeff Gannon. A beautiful little girl who was the answer to so many prayers, the fragile spark of her tender soul has changed our hearts forever. You are loved and will be missed.

We have been overwhelmed with the incredible out powering of love & support we've felt from people in the community, our neighborhood, the church, friends, family & those in the blogosphere. So many of you who have crossed our paths in different ways throughout this tragedy have been used by God in ways you cannot imagine to touch us & bring comfort. In the depths of our intense sadness I feel such a renewed sense of faith in humanity.

My necklace with Lily's rings...puts into perspective how tiny she was...

Nick & I before the service, trying to look presentable before crying A LOT...

The main table at the funeral service...

Her precious tiny urn with a couple of her pictures at home with us, the text on the picture frame reads "Forever held close, in the love of the Lord, from this day on."