I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to understand why we lost our daughter; why after trying so hard to have a child ours was taken from us. I’ll admit that lately I’ve had a very difficult time with accepting that there is likely no understanding it, no reason that would make it acceptable. It’s just so painfully unfair…I can’t stop asking why people like us who are so prepared to become parents and so badly want to aren’t able while I see so many people on a daily basis who can easily conceive & yet don’t take care of the multiple children they have. I think I’m entering into the anger stage of grieving, because to be frank, it makes me feel incredibly angry at the universe & God that this happens. What good does it do this world that we are denied a child while others are given children they abuse and neglect? I realize there is not always a clear cut answer for these things in life and that I will likely never understand the answers to these questions, but it doesn’t stop me from asking why and wondering. I know that these feeling are valid and that thankfully my God understands and is big enough to handle my anger right now.
I’ve been reading an amazing book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. If you or someone you love has experienced infant loss I highly recommend you read this book. I have shed many tears while reading it, but also feel it is helping me through the grieving process. In one section of the book Angie talks a bit about her own struggle to understand the loss of her daughter and how she needs to have a reason as to why this happened to her little girl. She says “I am the kind of person that wants to understand exactly what is happening…Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry us. Our role is to trust it into His keeping.” I’m really trying to trust right now, but I must admit it is not always easy and is itself a major struggle. I too want a reason; I want to know definitively why this happened to our family, how this can be prevented again, and what purpose this loss serves. These are answers I feel I will never know and to which at some point I will have to reconcile an acceptance towards. For now though I am merely making steps in my grief, and for me at this point that is enough.
Lastly, if you haven’t already checked out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope here is a link to my story…
http://facesofloss.blogspot.com/2010/07/rebecca-mom-to-lillian-grace-june-27th.html
Monday, July 19, 2010
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23 comments:
It can be so hard to make sense of this, because honestly I don't think we can. I am trying to be patient and trust that at least God knows, but that can be just as hard sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
((hugs))
This is one of those things where "things happen for a reason" makes you want to scream. Makes you question everything...if there is a way to understanding, I truly hope you find it, and that you work through this. Perhaps there is some greater meaning, but I can't begin to imagine what. I am glad that you continue to use this site as a way to get things out...that's what it is for. My thoughts are with you.
I was once told that we shouldn't ask God why? That it was somehow disrespectful. But I was recently told by someone that it is absolutely okay to ask him why. She told me that if we want to know, then we have every right to get on our knees and ask for that understanding. She said if we don't ask we won't know. Which i agree with her. We honestly want an understanding of why this happened and i believe that God doesn't mind telling us. Now if he does answer, we may not get the answer that we want to hear, but never the less it is a answer. We may not even understand the answer we get for why it happened in which we can go on our knees again and ask God to make it plain. I have prayed to God for understanding and i feel that he has given me some understanding, though not all, but i'm getting things in pieces. I know there is a lesson in our losses, but i think we have to be very still and very quiet to get it, i think our heartache at times hinder the stillness we need to hear from him and i think also at times the answer or part of it comes in quiet random thoughts, or in our tears or in a message through music or a word from a friend. I think what we seek is there, but it's just hard to find. But I refuse to give up on finding out, if there is a lesson i want to learn it now, I don't want to have to go through anything like this ever again. I think we will get it when we least expect it. Though it's sometimes hard we just have to hold on. I can't promise that when you do reach a understanding that the heart ache will go away, as a matter of fact i can tell you it won't, because with what little bits and peieces i am learning my heart still hurts and i still find myself at time wishing i could go back. But I will keep holding on for all of us because i know you're holding on for me. Sending you and your angel my love and prayers.
I would worry about you if you weren't asking those questions. It's so natural and an important part of the healing process. I hope you know how many people think about you, pray for you, and are inspired by you. Sending a big hug your way.
I was thinking of the same things and asking the same questions. Part of me wants to accept that there will be no answers, but another part of me wants to know, to gain understanding of the tragedies that we've been dealt with. You're right, it's a constant struggle. Thank you for writing and sharing this post.
i feel exactly the same way. anger is my dominant emotion lately, and bitter jealousy toward women who get to remain happily pregnant and take home a healthy baby. i have not read angie smith's book, but i have read her entire blog, and it is inspiring. however, i'm still having great struggles in my faith lately.
I'm praying for you! One book I've read (to help a friend, not actually having gone through this myself) is called "The Significant Life" by Amy Burton. She wrote it after she lost her precious daughter at 19 weeks. It deals with a lot of what you wrote in this post.
Like you, I want desperately to understand. Like you, I come up empty each time. Realizing that there may not be an explanation, that loss just simply happens with no rhyme or reason, is so very difficult and I am not sure I will ever come to grips with that. I also think that if you have an evolved sense of fairness, it is especially galling. There's no fairness here.
In my experience, people say a lot of dumb things to those who are grieving, about how "God's will is mysterious" or "everything happens for a reason." I'm sure they are trying to be helpful, but usually, it just ends up hurting more. The best reflection I've ever read about a child's death was from a sermon by William Sloane Coffin, who was the pastor at Riverside Church in NYC when his son died in a car accident. "The one thing we must never say when someone dies," he wrote, "is that 'it was the will of God. We simply do not know enough to say this. My own consolation comes in knowing that it was not the will of God that Alex die; that when the waves closed over the sinking car, God's was the first of all our hearts to break."
The whole sermon, which is quite short, is online at http://www.pbs.org/now/society/eulogy.html. I don't know if it will help. Still praying for you every day.
Offering continued (((hugs))) to you...
praying for you. while the grief gets better i am not sure it ever goes away. and asking those questions is so normal. i'm 9 months out from losing our daughter cadynce and i still ask those questions.
hugs
I just came across your blog by way of another. I have read your story and the precious story of Miss Lily. My eyes filled up with tears as soon as I started reading. Now that I have read all of the posts, I cannot stop crying for you and your Lily. I do not pretend to know the suffering and grief you are going through, but know that I am praying for you all. You were blessed with an angel. I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs to you and yours. j
With any loss of any significance, we all go through the different phases. You are being completely normal and have every right to feel mad, sad, angry, disappointed, etc. Let yourself grieve and know that there are many of us out here thinking of you and wishing with all our hearts that we could change this.
I'm no grief counselor or anything, but I can only imagine that it totally makes sense that you move from utter devastation and sadness to just plain 'pissed off'. It sucks. It does. I hope that at some point you can find peace. But you don't have to right now. Be as pissed as you need to be. :)
I am not sure exaclty how I found your blog. . . .a friend of a friend of a friend maybe? I do not know what it is like to experience an infant loss. I can only imagine the pain. I think of you and Lily often and though I don't know what to pray for, I do lift your names up in prayer. I found this quote the other day and thought of you. 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.' --Washington Irving
We were sort of on the same wavelength!!!
I really think that a big part of all of this is like you said...just being able to get to the point where I just accept that I cannot and will not know. I've not been ok with that for a while, but am coming to the point where I am...not necessarily ok with it, but accept it, I guess. Not fully, there...but so much closer every day.
And honestly, it truly could ONLY be supernatural reasoning that would ever be able to make Matthew dying 'ok' or allowing me to truly and wholly count it all as joy. I know I'm not supernatural in anyway, so I don't even try to understand. I just simply don't think I could.
xoxo
Asking why comes in cycles for me. I can go for a while and that thought isn't so much in the forefront of my mind then all of the sudden its all I can think about for a few days.
Angie's book is so healing...I finished it about a month ago and thinking about reading it again!
I won't pretend to understand what you are feeling, but I pray you will be comforted and that the Great Physician will deliver exactly what you need to heal. I admire your strength and courage. I've followed your blog for a bit, but I just don't comment very frequently. I cried for your loss as if I actually knew you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
~ICLW #60
((hugs)) just wanted to tell you that i love you.
I just came across your blog from ICLW. I'm so very sorry for the death of your precious Lily Grace. I know that it is still so fresh for you and I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you personally are feeling right now, but I do know what it's like to say goodbye to a son too soon.
If there's one thing I want to impart to you, it's hope. Hope that it won't always hurt so bad. Hope and peace in a heavenly Father that loves your precious daughter even more than you do (even though that's so hard to imagine). Hope that although you will never forget, there will be a time that you will be able to move beyond this moment. Jeremiah 29:11.
Lots of love and prayers for you right now and into the future.
Rebecca, I'm still so sorry this happened to you and your husband. I know there are things I wish I could ask God about. There are some days when I really don't understand what the heck God is doing. But I know His will and His plan for my life is perfect. (it doesn't mean always like how He chooses to show me His plan is perfect.)
I think its okay to be angry right now, whether it be at God or the situation or both. The grief you are experiencing is still very raw and the loss is one that is so excruciating there are no words to describe it.
Praying for you, Rebecca.
Lately, I feel like there are few things I can trust. I certainly can't trust my body and the fates seem particularly cruel and vengeful right now.
This is such a terrible "club" to be part of but knowing that others are experiencing similar emotions and asking similar questions can be comforting. I hope that you can find peace as you make your way through the grieving and healing process. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't believe there are any reasons why, not valid ones anyway, there can't be, honestly what GOOD plausible reason can there be for me to miscarry 8 babies? There cannot be.
ICLW
#41
http://themissruby.blogspot.com/
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