Memories to hold on to....

Words can’t properly express how much all of your messages of love & support as well as your prayers have meant to us in the past couple of days. I will write more later this week when things settle down a bit, but I just wanted you all to know how incredibly supported we have felt. We have truly been in awe of the outpouring of love that has flooded us since Lillian’s death & how incredibly amazing people have been in showing us such compassion & kindness. 

We met with the funeral home this morning to make arrangements. Our pastor came over to the house this afternoon & we had such a wonderful meeting with him. We had already made a lot of the plans for the funeral together & he was so supportive & encouraging of everything we came up with. I'll probably post on Saturday about all the details, I think it's going to be an incredibly special service. We're having a small private family service on Friday; we're really content with all the decisions we made regarding her arrangements & feel confident they were the right decisions for us. Both of us this evening have felt such an incredible sense of peace & know that part of this is due to feeling surrounded by the love of those both near & far. 

Lastly, I wanted to leave you all with a few more of the precious memories that were given to us by Erin with Baby Bloom Photography, who donated her time & amazing talent. 

Unimaginable Loss

On Sunday, June 27th, at just 22 weeks & 6 days I went into premature labor; Lillian Grace was born at 6:17pm weighing 1 lb 1/2 oz. She left this world as quickly as she came.

We are in a place that is difficult to describe right now, it is a somewhat surreal place…it’s really hard to comprehend all that has taken place in the last 24 hrs. We know that we are surrounded by love & support and cannot say enough how much all of your messages of compassion have meant to us. We can quite certainly feel that the love of those who care about us is holding us up & maintaining our strength. Although it is difficult I would like to share Lillian’s birth story with you all. It is important for me to write this not just for myself, but because she deserves to have her story told.

As I was driving back from a weekend in Kansas City to Wichita I began to feel some lower back pain, it didn’t worry me too much initially because as most of you know back pain is a normal part of pregnancy. I soon started to feel concerned when the back pain began to come & go in waves; I decided to stop at the next rest area, thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom I would feel better. When I went into the restroom I saw that I had begun to bleed. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was traveling alone, in the middle of no where in Kansas & completely unaware of the nearest hospital. I quickly got back into the car, tried to pull up information on the closest hospital in my GPS & called my husband. Unsure of what to do I got back onto the interstate & began driving towards Emporia, which was about 30 miles away & my closest hope for a hospital. I don’t think I’ve every prayed so hard in my life & thankfully after about 10 minutes into the drive I spotted a Sheriff & Patrol officer in the middle of the interstate. I quickly pulled over to where they were sitting & told them what was happening. They called an ambulance & from there I was transported to Emporia Hospital. I was promptly hooked up to an IV & given oxygen, at this point it was becoming obvious that the back pain I was feeling was indeed my worst nightmare… contractions. En route to that hospital my water broke. At this point I knew that in all likelihood the worst possible case scenario was going to happen & felt the most horrific sense of hopelessness & loss of control I have ever experienced.

Nick was able to make it to Emporia to be with me shortly after my arrival there. After being evaluated at this hospital they quickly determined I needed to be transported to Wesley Medical Center in our hometown of Wichita due to the severe prematurity of the labor. The doctor at that hospital was able to pick up a heartbeat on the baby & started me on antibiotics in the hope they could stop labor. She explained that if I was able to make it to 24 wks (which is considered viability) then they would start me on steroids to try & help baby develop quicker, but if my contractions returned they would not stop them. She also discussed the grim reality that 90% of the time once your membrane ruptures you will deliver within 10 days (most much earlier) & even if we got another week before her birth Lillian’s chances of survival, especially her quality of life would be bleak.

I was then placed into another ambulance & had to endure the 70 minute drive to Wichita. I was blessed to have an incredibly kind & compassionate EMT with me along the way, it was by far the most difficult ride of my life. The contractions began to get worse & all I could do was continue to pray that God let us get to the hospital before the baby was born. By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions were 2 minutes apart. After about 20 minutes the doctor evaluated me & found that the baby was already in the birth canal & that when I was ready I could deliver her. With an incredible staff of caring people by my side & my amazing husband holding my hand Lillian Grace was born into this world. Her heart beat for just a few minutes & then as quickly as she came she left us. Giving birth to a baby I knew wouldn’t survive took every ounce of my strength and was the most devastating moment in my life.

There was concern I may need to go into surgery initially as the placenta was taking a little longer to be expelled. Thankfully after about 30 minutes I was able to deliver the placenta. We were given several hours with our little girl to hold her & talk to her. In the most awful moments of our lives we were blessed to meet Erin of Baby Bloom Photography; she is a photographer who works with families in our situation. She did the most beautiful photo shoot with Lillian & us and will be getting those pictures to us in the next couple of days. The nursing staff took her footprints & made us the most beautiful casting of her feet & a hand. We were given a beautiful keepsake box with a few mementos to remember her by; two are tiny little silver rings that they placed on her toes & fingers for pictures. Erin told us many parents have these placed onto a necklace so that you have a piece of her with you; we will likely plan to do this.

I cannot properly put into words the amount of compassion we were shown by all of the professionals who treated Lillian & myself during the past day. It was a terribly sad situation & each one of the amazing people that came into contact with us at the hospitals & along the way treated us with the utmost kindness. The doctors are unsure of why I went into premature labor at this time; in all likelihood they said that situations like this typically are a result of an infection that we did not know about but a lot of the time the reason is unknown.

We are in the process of planning her funeral arrangements & I’ll be posting more details in the near future. We have already made the decision for her to be cremated as we don’t know where we will be living long term & we believe we may in the future sprinkle some of her ashes in a meaningful place. We will be meeting with our pastor & the funeral home tomorrow to make some of the arrangements. We appreciate all of the message of love & support that have flooded us in the past 24 hrs; I cannot properly express how much you all mean to us. Please continue to keep us close in prayer, we now embark on a new journey & pray that God continues to grant us the strength to get through what the future holds for us.

Trying to focus on the now...

Why is it that in our society we focus so much on the future & have difficulty really being in the moment? I’ll admit I struggle with this & have been trying to focus myself more on the here & now. I am so immensely thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy & I am trying to soak in the joy of each milestone. It’s such a great feeling to now be recognized by strangers as pregnant, to be asked about the baby, & to be able to talk with other pregnant women excitedly. And although I love all of this there is a part of me that cannot let go of the nagging thought that this might be my only experience in this pregnancy world. If it is I’m prepared to accept that & am grateful to have the one experience. I’m a planner type & with that comes my mind often drifting towards the future. I’ve been thinking more lately about whether when we’re ready for a second child we’ll attempt IVF again or if we’ll look towards adoption. I don’t know how either of us will feel when that time comes, we’ll take one step at a time, but it is something I can’t help but wonder on. I work as a social worker in a rather large hospital & most days am running from one situation or problem to the next constantly looking towards solutions. The other day my afternoon played out a little differently when a young child who had been abused just needed someone to rock him to sleep, suddenly there were very few things that were as important as that simple act of giving comfort & love to a small child who so desperately needed it. Child abuse is something I’ve seen before & undoubtedly given my career I’ll see again. Why people who abuse & neglect their children are able to easily conceive them while others who so desperately want to be loving parents struggle for years & through so much heartache is something I have had to stop trying to understand. There is no solving that puzzle; life is unfair at times & that is something we all have to come to know at some point in our lives. One thing cases like that always renew in me though is my passion to be an advocate for children such as him, to fight for what they deserve.

In visiting with a group of girlfriends earlier this week, some of which have no children, some who already have two, the topic of birth control/family planning came up. It’s still odd to think we never have to worry about birth control again & I have to admit it sucks a lot to know that if we want to have another child either through IVF or adoption we need to have thousands saved up to finance either option. Although it does give you perspective on what’s really important & how we choose to live our lives. I have faith that when the time comes God will guide us in the direction He desires for our lives & we will again step off into the uncertain clinging to the hope that He will see us through the challenges of whichever road we take.

Books & fortunes...

By far the highlight of this week was that one of my close friends from Alabama gave birth to her first child this past Sunday!!! She is such an awesome person & so inspiring, she had planned & prepared herself for a natural childbirth and it all paid off as she was able to accomplish her goal. While I’d love this for myself, I’m still not sure I have the strength to get through natural childbirth, only time will tell; that & I know every birthing experience is so varied I’ll just have to wait & see what mine will bring. She is also someone who like myself is very committed to breastfeeding & she is no surprise doing awesome with this too. I’ve heard from several of my nurse friends that you should not assume you’ll know how to do this & if you really want to succeed with breastfeeding it’s important to educate yourself. So I’ve already gotten a couple of books on the topic & started reading one of them this past week & wow is it informational! It’s called The Nursing Mother’s Companion & if you’re also planning to breastfed it is a must have! There is SO much to learn & I can see why so many women get frustrated & quit because they don’t have all of this information, it’s all a bit daunting to read initially, but I have no doubt is worth it. I’m also planning to take a class offered by the hospital I’ll be delivering at, I’ve heard from friends it was extremely helpful to them & I’m thankful the hospital has a breastfeeding clinic available free to all mothers who deliver there, so if problems arise that will be one of my first stops.

Yesterday I came home to a wonderful surprise that totally made my day, my amazing mother in law had sent me a few children’s books for our little one! She picked out the cutest books & I LOVE them all so much. Two of my favorites were I Love You Through & Through and Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes. That last one is such an awesome book to teach children about diversity & tolerance and it’s so freaking cute! Then this morning our car seat & stroller set were delivered & they’re so adorable…I LOVE the pattern & think they’re perfect!

Lastly Nick & I went to dinner with a group of friends last night & we were all very amused to see that my fortune said, “A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share”! And Nick’s said, “The current year will bring you much happiness”. Just wow huh? Needless to say I’ve kept them both & plan to put them in the baby book…they’re just too perfect!