Defining moments…

It’s hard to believe that 5 months have passed since Lily was with us. What a surreal life this is at times. I feel such a mixture of emotions as we move further away from her, further from the dreams we had for her, and into the new hopes that now make up our life.  There are moments when these past few months seem like they’ve passed by so quickly, and then times when I look back and feel I’ve lived several years in the course of only a few months. As we move through this world there are so many experiences that make us who we are, shape our character, and ultimately the course of our lives. Carrying & losing a child, loving & grieving for a child were never things I expected to experience in this life, yet they are now such an fundamental part of myself it’s hard to imagine a different world. Creating an incredible bond with a family many miles away that has given us hope and the opportunity for a new life through the donation of their embryos is definitely not an experience that I could have imagined, but one that is now also an elemental part of myself and another I can’t imagine living without. And now was we embark on the next step in our journey, preparing for our first donor embryo FET Thursday, I know we are about to experience another defining moment.

Five months Lily, I hope that I live each day without you with purpose, knowing that none of us are guaranteed anything in this life and that each day is a gift, each hope a treasure, and accepting the grief with the joy.

We are a go!!!

I had my blood work and ultrasound this morning and thankfully things are proceeding as they should! The nurse said my uterus looked “beautiful”, and as you can imagine my uterus was flattered, we do try so hard:) And my endometrial lining is measuring at 10mm, she said anything over 8 at this point is good so everything is looking lovely & hospitable. I’ll be starting the Medrol and Doxycycline pills Saturday and the Progesterone injections as well. Our donor embryo transfer is officially set for next Thursday afternoon!!!!

We’re SO excited both for the transfer and to see our donor family again. We feel such an incredible bond with this family and are thrilled to get the opportunity to spend more time together while we’re in the area.

So here we go 50-50% shot, lets hope this time statistics work in our favor. We’re cautiously optimistic, knowing we’ve done all we can to make this a success and the rest is out of our hands.

“Courage, strength, and hope possess my soul…I will stand firmly and without fear”
~ Goethe

LFCA, Faces writing challenge, and posts to check out….

To those of you stopping by for ICLW, welcome! And those of you who are wondering “what the heck is ICLW,” here is a quick run down. ICLW stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation, and comments should be honored and encouraged. So by all means join the conversation!

Currently in our IF treatment world: Our first donor embryo FET is just around the corner. I have my next ultrasound and blood work appointment Wednesday to determine if we’re still on track for a December 2nd transfer. Continuing with the nightly Lupron injections and as of today I’m up to taking Estrace pills 3x’s a day. By the end of the week, we’ll know any updates to our medication protocol, when the Progesterone injections will begin, and hopefully be able to purchase our plane tickets for the transfer date.

I’ve had the intention of doing the monthly Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope writing challenge for a while now, the topic for November is “It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?” I must preface this by saying, as I’m sure most BLM’s would, that I would take back all of these little things in a minute to have my daughter here with me and to never have known of this expansive world of loss that exists.  To be perfectly honest, as Thanksgiving approaches and everyone begins to talk about what they are thankful for, my first thought goes to how thankful I am that this year is almost over. I cannot imagine living through another year as awful as this past one has been.  Initially, I would say I’m thankful for the perspective I now have about what is really important in life, and although it’s a bit jaded, it’s also a bit clearer. The people that have carried us are another thing I’m thankful for, our families and friends, the connections I’ve made since this loss through those in blogland and in real life, our donor family, which have shown us such incredible support and kindness. All of those people are what continue to give me hope for this world, hope that the goodness will overpower the darkness. Hope to continue moving forward, and that although I’ve come to accept I’ll always feel a bit broken and damaged, that good things await me in the future. Lastly, I’m thankful I’m able to continue seeing glimpses of hope in it all; it is the thing that continues to propel us all forward.

I also wanted to share a couple of blog posts that really hit home with me this week. The first was a post in which Roccie discussed the advice given to her by her acupuncturist about that not taking credit for failures. It spoke volumes to me as well; I think we all need to be reminded from time to time that both our successes and failures are not completely ours to own.

Secondly, Demeter’s Feet had a wonderful post about transformative events in life and how it is hard for others to see that losing our children has forever changed us, as well as the expectations others have for grief in this country.

Third, you must check out Keikos post about The Infertility Manifesto....it will leave you moved to tears, inspired, and reminded that you are not alone. 

For good...

It appears as if we’re still on track for our December 2nd FET. I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work on Wednesday and things are as they should be. I am continuing with the nightly Lupron injections and as of Friday started taking the Estrace pills. I’ll have my next ultrasound and blood work on November 24th… hard to believe it’s really less than a month away now! For those of you who know us in real life and are a fb friend I ask that you please not mention anything about this on fb. If we are blessed with a BFP with this first round of treatment I want to wait a bit before sharing the news with everyone in fb land.

I’ve been feeling a bit of an emotional wreck at times this week; the infertility medications are doing their thing and causing me to feel out of sorts at times. I’m thankfully feeling a bit more myself today and hoping that holds.

Grief is so all consuming at times that I forget that others have been and continue to grieve with us for Lily. Although we lost a daughter, they too lost. They lost a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. And just as we are grieving in our own way they too are processing the grief of losing Lily. My father in law surprised us (in a good way) when he sent us a picture of the memorial tattoo he got in honor of Lily last weekend. Totally shocking! My nieces and nephews sent us pictures they had drawn and crafts they had made of butterflies in memory of Lily. My mother, mother in law, and I are all using our individual talents to create keepsakes for families experiencing similar losses. Our physical way of giving back, of loving Lily, and of honoring her by providing a small comfort and piece of love to grieving families.

My first knitting project ~ a blanket for my local infant bereavement team

I absolutely love musicals, and when listening to some music from Wicked the other day I thought about how much meaning the song “For Good” holds…specifically the lyrics “I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow”.

This song reminded me of so many of you who have touched our lives this past year. The fellow IF & BLM bloggers who have walked with us over all that has occurred this past year. Our families and close friends who have stood with us in our joy and our sorrow. And our donor family who were led to us in an unexpected way that has most definitely changed all of our lives forever. I’m so thankful that each of you have come into our lives and for the support and love you have given. And Lily, even though we’ll never meet again in this lifetime, as the song says so much of me is made from what I’ve learned from you; because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

The journey to you...

As some of you may remember I recently learned to knit, and I’m excited to report I’m about half way done with my first blanket. I know a lot of us who have lost children have the desire to give back in some way, and I was inspired by my own mother who chose to knit baby blankets to donate in Lily’s honor to local hospital infant bereavement teams. I hope to be able to donate some knitted blankets to both my local infant bereavement team and to Franchescas With Love care packages. Speaking of giving back, I came across another blogger who despite being thrown more than one crazy curve ball in life has decided to, as she puts it, help others anyway. Check out Life Rearranged for a feel good pick me up and to meet lots of women, Jeannett as well as her incredible guess bloggers, who are choosing to give back and help those around them.

I’m excited to report I won a giveaway from Justine at A Half Baked Life; I’ve been having fun looking through all the amazing items at King Arthur Flour to pick out just the right addition to my kitchen. Thank you to Justine, she has been an incredible supporter and blogger friend who has been with me since the beginning of this journey, and I’m happy to say she is celebrating her entrance into the third trimester. Also she is an amazing cook who has all kinds of fabulous recipes on her blog, so if you like to cook definitely head over and say hello!

As anyone who has made the decision to adopt will tell you, there are a mixture of emotions you feel with this decision. The same is true of embryo adoption as you simultaneously grieve the loss of a biological child and embrace the experience of adopting a child and becoming a family together. I never truly understood that it really is grieving a loss until we were here experiencing it and working through that as we made the decision to adopt. I think in the past, before I personally knew about infertility and loss, I just thought of adoption as a feel good hallmark type thing and never really examined the complexities of what a couple typically experiences to come to this decision. I think it’s important to acknowledge the grief that is a part of letting go of having a child that carries my and my husband’s genes. In the past, I would look at pictures of my nieces and nephews and smile wondering what type of physical characteristics our children might share. Recently I’ve seen some of the pictures of these beautiful children I love, and while there is always happiness in seeing these there is also a tinge of sadness as I know that our children will not share these glimpses of our family members. As you process the appropriate grief surrounding this decision, you are able to begin to embrace the good and amazing things that come with adoption. While our children may not have my husband’s blue eyes or my red hair, they will have all of the characteristics that will make them individually them and the things we will love and cherish because ultimately it does not matter what my child physically shares in common with me, it is the emotional bonds that makes us a family. It is the traditions we create together, the love that we share for each other, and the lessons we pass on that make us a family. I know without a doubt that whatever my future child looks like, when I am holding them in my arms that first time it will not matter. I will feel that same sense of love and joy any other parent has and the thought of that moment gives me hope and makes every single injection, difficult day, and struggle worth the journey to that precious child.