30th Birthday & return to work...

Tomorrow marks my 30th Birthday, and while I know this means I should be celebrating, I really don’t feel like it. I’m going to do my best though to try and enjoy some pieces of joy, however small. My wonderful husband had suggested I treat myself to a massage if I feel up to it, still trying to decide if I do. He & I are planning to go out to dinner at one of my favorite places, Bonefish Grill. And of course I will be splurging on one of their delicious, crazy expensive drinks in proper B-day fashion:) So although I’m not in much of a celebratory mood there are some great things planned for the day, so God willing I’m going to make the most of them.

Where did I think I’d be when I turned 30? Certainly not where I am now…grieving the loss of my daughter who left this world only a little over two weeks ago. In my early twenties, I always thought of myself as having children around the age of 28…just seemed right, but as I soon learned, things don’t always work out as you plan them to. As the quote by Joseph Campbell says, “we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” I’m really trying to let go of the belief that I have control over a lot of these things and come to terms with this, as well as recognize all of the good things I have that I never would have expected by 30. An incredible husband with whom I share such a strong relationship, an amazing group of friends & family that care deeply about us, a beautiful home, and a career I care deeply about. Lastly, at 30 I have a deeper sense of self, am far stronger than I have ever thought possible, and now have a perspective on life that only great tragedy can bring; these are the things I will be thankful for as I say goodbye to my 20’s and look towards what the future holds for the next part of my life.

Also, I ask that you all keep me in your thoughts & prayers, as I’m planning to try and return to work for the first time on Thursday. I thankfully am going back to a place of work that has been nothing but incredibly supportive of me throughout this tragedy and an amazing group of social workers that I know will be ready to listen and support me whenever I need them, but I am nervous to return to where I was last pregnant and the place that holds so many memories of that pregnancy. I really, really miss being pregnant & I miss Lily so much…it’s just so hard to accept.

Music is one of those things that has always touched me in a deep way and brings me comfort in difficult times. This song has really meant a lot to me these past few days; some of the lyrics seem so fitting given my life right now. Mostly I’m trying to have faith that, as one of the verses in the song says, “One day You will set all things right.”
Your Hands by JJ Heller…
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=w4gAoozKrMg&feature=related

A wonderful gift from another infant loss momma….thank you so much Kristin!