Triggers & news...

This past weekend was great; my sister, brother in law, & niece visited. It’s always hard after guests leave to get back into the work routine and a bit of a let down. I’ve experienced an intense amount of triggers this week. At work, as usual, there are pregnant people everywhere. I’ve gotten good at casually walking away from situations if talk amongst co workers turn into difficult topics, but it’s still hard. Due to the size of the hospital I work in not everyone knows what happened, so it’s not at all that people are trying to be insensitive, they just don’t know what happened and are so clueless to how painful overhearing these conversations can be. I’m getting good at emotionally detaching, don’t know if that’s best, but it’s the only way I can survive the situation without busting into an emotional mess.

Then there’s f**king fb; sometimes its more of a curse than blessing. While I love that you can keep up with friends from afar, I know you other BLM’s know what awful triggers lurk there. First there are all the happy pregnancy updates & ultrasounds posted by some who were not far behind me in their pregnancies. Each one is a painful reminder of what is missing in my life & where my life should be at the moment. Then this week was the hardest hit so far, I saw pictures that an old college friend (who did not know what had happened to us) had her first daughter and of course what did she name her baby?…Lillian. Then tonight they sent a mass text to everyone in their contacts about their daughter’s birth…that one hurt like hell. Just as I was starting to have a good afternoon another emotional blow. I did decide to text back letting them know that while I’m happy for them and I realize they probably have no idea that our daughter died only 5 short weeks ago and happened to be named Lillian as well, I would appreciate not receiving any further text updates about their baby. Cold maybe, but frankly I don’t care right now…self preservation is more of a priority to me at the moment. As expected they had absolutely no idea.

So as to not leave things as a complete Debby Downer, although I know you would all understand, we have some very exciting news. After a lot of researching our options in the journey to become parents we are beginning the process to pursue adoption. I have some amazing resources through my job, two fellow social workers who have both adopted their children (one through foster to adopt & one through private adoption) who have helped answer our questions and guide us in starting this process. So our first meeting with the adoption agency social worker to begin the home study process is next Wednesday! I’m reading up as much as possible on adoption at the moment and trying to be sure we’re informed as we begin this journey. We are fully aware it can be a long process so we feel good about beginning and excited about what the future may hold for us. There are of course fears associated with this process as well, but as with all things in the process to become parents, when faced with infertility there are no guarantees with any of our options. We’re prayed a lot that God would lead us in the right direction and recently we’ve both felt led towards adoption. We are trying not to let our fears get the best of us, to be realistic, but also to maintain our faith that God has a plan for us and that some day we will be parents again.