And so it ends before it ever really begins...

So the first hcg level came back at 92 which at this stage should be in the 400-500 range. Going in tomorrow morning for another lab draw to ensure the levels are decreasing and there isn't concern for an ectopic pregnancy. We're doing okay honestly if something is going to go wrong glad it's happening at this stage and not a few weeks from now but sucks all the same. Just really hoping things happen naturally and ready to down some wine tomorrow once I know everything is ok.

The home test says...

So as with the last two times we’ve gone through treatment, it was my husband that just couldn’t wait any longer and encouraged me to POAS a few days before our blood test. A close friend who works at a clinic was able to get me a freebie pregnancy test, and Sunday morning we took the first test…and sure enough as you can see it was light but there was definitely an extra line! (Two lines is positive)

 

The whole testing at home thing always has me SO nervous. I almost felt like I was going to be sick before we looked at the results of this test! And then of course I start second guessing, worried that because the line was faint it might not be right, and so I tested again Tuesday morning and saw another faint but definite line.

Needless to say, I really am looking forward to the reassurance of the hCG blood test Thursday morning so I can feel a bit more confident that things are as they should be at this stage. We’re going to be traveling for the Easter weekend so I’ll post if I’m able to get the results back soon enough Thursday, and if not will when we return home.

I think it’s time to break out that copy of Franchesca’s book CelebratingPregnancy Again to help get me in a positive mindset! I really want to embrace this pregnancy with joy and not let fear dictate my mind. So much of Ian’s pregnancy was filled with worry and concern about all that can go wrong, and while I know it can’t be completely wiped from my mind I want to enjoy this pregnancy more and lean more towards hope than fear. One step at a time. I’m celebrating this first milestone and really, really hoping for many more and, my goodness, hoping for a full term pregnancy this time! Is that too much to ask?!?!

Welcome home little embryo..

Thank you all so much for the thoughts, kind words and prayers!! So far the trip has been going wonderfully. Ian tolerated the flight well; there were a couple fussy moments and one small meltdown, but overall we felt like it went about as good as we could have hoped. And, as witnessed by another toddler on our flight, could have gone much worse!

We enjoyed a lovely dinner with our donor family here, and it was wonderful for them to finally get to meet Ian! We'll be getting together again tomorrow night, and while I'm already very much looking forward to it, I'm also sad we won't get to spend more time together this trip. It's amazing this bond we share and the way in which the paths our families each took brought us to each other, thus making us family in the process. The gift of embryos they entrusted to us, the ripple effect that gift has had in creating Ian's life, our family, and everyone his life touches. That is one powerful, incredible thing, and it reminds me once again of all the goodness there is in this world and our responsibility to continue to pass on the love and faith that was entrusted to us.

So on to the big event! The transfer this afternoon went flawlessly. The first embryo thawed beautifully, and as you can see from the picture below, was a high grade hatching embryo just like Ian!!! Thinking positive thoughts and hoping it's making itself nice and comfy for the long haul...and hopefully longer then Ian did:)

It was odd being back in the clinic since the last time was for Ian's transfer. It brought up a lot of emotion for me, and I found myself trying to not to get too weepy! It was wonderful to see the RE that did Ian's transfer again, and when she asked about my necklace I definitely got a little teary! Then seeing our little embryo flash across the screen during transfer in that same room where Ian first became a part of our lives. Well, I definitely had to wipe a tear at all that!

Now on to enjoying 24hrs of bed rest as the clinic suggests while Nick keeps up with Ian! I'm drinking loads of hot water like I did after Ians transfer. You never know, but I remember reading before his transfer that drinking warm liquids is good after transfer  as you want a warm uterus for implantation so figured might as well continue that tradition too. Nick caught this cute pic of Ian cuddling with Momma and maybe his next sibling when I got back to the hotel this afternoon! And now the 2 week wait ensues...hoping it goes by blessedly fast, but let's be real, it's probably going to seem to move in slow motion!!

And we're off...

Our bags are packed, we’re ready to go!!! Those of you who have been following me for a long time might remember a special charm our donor family gave me before our first FET. A necklace with a charm that said hope, which she wore for her IVF cycle and I subsequently wore for Ian’s FET. Though I’m not particularly superstitious, I do feel like there is a reverence and importance attached to tradition and faith (and okay a little luck might be mixed in there as well!). So I’ll be wearing that hope charm again for this FET, this time with my angel wing charm in remembrance of Lily and Ian’s birthstone. It’s a symbol of all that brought us to this transfer and the hope we hold for the future.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement, prayers and support as we go into this transfer. Our flight will be leaving early tomorrow morning, and transfer is set to occur Thursday afternoon! I loved this quote when I saw it on Pinterest and feel like it’s appropriate as love is really the thing that’s gotten us through all of the whirlwind ups and downs of the last few years and given us strength in the darkest days. The love we have for Ian and the embryos waiting for us is what gives us courage to move forward in spite of the past. 

It's a date!!!

Thankfully my lab work and ultrasound went well this morning. My uterine lining is up to almost 10mm so everything is a go for our embryo transfer next week!!! We’ll be flying out early next Wednesday and transfer will take place the afternoon of Thursday, March 14^th. In terms of medication protocol I’m continuing with the current nightly Lupron injections and Estrace pills until Saturday at which time we’ll be adding in Doxycycline twice a day, Medrol once a day and the dreaded Progesterone injections once a day until transfer. Not going to lie, I’ve been wincing at the thought of those Progesterone injections since the big box of meds arrived. Although I do remember in the past when I had to do them that once I was into the routine it wasn’t as bad, but ugh, I do recall how much they hurt and how tender the injections sights get after repeated daily poking. After the transfer I’ll continue just the Estrace pills and the nightly Progesterone injections until the pregnancy test.

A week out I’m feeling more positive about our delay in the cycle. I know I would have wondered if it didn’t work out whether it was because we needed that additional week to plump up the uterine lining and the estradiol levels, and now I know we’ve given it our best and hopefully our little embryo will find my uterus to be a lovely hospitable home and decide to stick around for the long haul. We were disappointed that we had to change our original length of time while in the Northeast. When we called to change our flights the cost was substantially higher to leave on Sunday vs. Saturday, so unfortunately we’ll get far less time to spend with our donor family. But with the already additional cost of changing the tickets, the extra monitoring appointment today and the uncertainty of whether we’ll need to do more treatment cycles in the near future, if this one doesn’t work we just couldn’t justify the higher expense.

Also, for those of you who have experienced loss, you’ve got to check out this post by Brooke. It really resonated with me as I’ve had so many of the same feelings lately. I’ve seen and heard several people recently talk about how people make too big a deal about pregnancy and that it’s such a normal process, but for those of us who have coped with the loss of a baby it is not. Unfortunately, it is a process that is full of fear & worry, and I wish so much that I could be one of those people who didn’t know all that could go terribly wrong, who could be so nonchalant about eating, drinking and being as physically active as I’d like while pregnant. But those days are long gone for me. I know this is a tight rope act of walking between hope and fear, and although I’m ready to balance this possible pregnancy as best I can, I wish that others could understand the courage and strength it takes to carry a baby after loss. It is a constant battle between your fear of the past and your attempt to embrace this life you are carrying with joy. It is far from simple.

So off we go next week to pick up another of our donor embryos and potential newest family member. It’s exciting and anxiety provoking all in one, but I’m trying my best to focus on the positive and hold hope for what may be to come. One step at a time, as I’m sure I’ll be reminding myself of frequently in the future! 

Change of plans...

Just when we thought things might go smoothly with this cycle, we were reminded that we have to be adaptable to change. At my scan this morning my uterine lining was measuring at 7.45mm, and the local clinic said they typically prefer to see 8mm or higher a week before transfer. That combined with an estradiol level of 194 (200 or higher preferred) lead the clinic in the northeast to decide it would be best to push the transfer a week later. It’s all disappointing, but if it leads to a successful cycle then it’s a small price to pay. We’re looking into changing our flights for a week later, and although that will cost a bit, it’s still less than another cycle if this one isn’t successful. We’re trying to trust in the process and hope this will lead to positive news down the road.

So the medication protocol has changed just a bit for the next week; they’re having me continue the nightly Lupron injections of 10 units, continue the Estrace pills three times a day by mouth, and now I get to add the fun of ½ Estrace pill twice a day vaginally. Fun times! All of this in the hopes of increasing my Estradiol levels and thickening the uterine lining. I’ll return to the local clinic in a week to see where things stand, and hopefully we’ll then be able to move forward with transfer the following week.

I think the change in plans hit me harder emotionally this morning because it’s another reminder that even if we try to do everything right we are not in control and the uncertainty of it all is so unsettling. In addition, it’s just another frustrating piece in the many steps that we have to go through to even attempt to conceive. It’s so unfathomable that the majority of people simply have sex to conceive!

I’d forgotten how intense and emotional infertility treatments can be. I felt such a spectrum of emotions throughout the day. Initially I was sad things weren’t going as smoothly as hoped, then later in the day angry at how much we have to go through to have a child, and then this evening I felt grateful. I was reminded of the connections and relationships we’ve made along the way because of infertility and the world that was opened up to us as a result through an email from one of our previous clinic coordinators. It was a reminder that other couples are just starting out in a long, intense process that we are all too intimate with, and that we can be there to offer encouragement and support as others did for us when we were beginning the process of embryo adoption. I was also reminded throughout the day of what a miracle my son really is, the crazy long ride we went on to welcome him into this world and our family was all worth it. And maybe, just maybe, the end of this cycle will lead us to welcoming another member to our family, and if not, it will hopefully strengthen us as a family and help us to cherish each other even more.  

Another reminder to attempt to let go of those things that I can’t control…

In completely unrelated news, those of you who know me IRL know that I love to cook and am a complete Pinterest addict. That being said, several friends have encouraged me to start a cooking/food blog and I’m finally finding bits of time here and there to put this together. It’s definitely still a work in progress, but hopefully it’ll get it a bit more polished in the near future. So if you’re looking for some food inspiration or want to check it out, hop on over to A Dash of Delicious! 

Cycle updates & request for toddler traveling tips…

So far things have been progressing smoothly with this current treatment cycle. I’ve been continuing with the nightly 20 unit Lupron injections, stopped the BCP’s on the 9^th and went in for my first ultrasound and lab work this morning. The clinic said everything looked as it should at this point in the cycle, so next ultrasound and lab work are scheduled for two weeks from now and I received my new medication protocol for the next couple of weeks. I’ll decrease to 10 unit Lupron injections starting on the 15^th and add Estrace into the mix. With the exception of my Lupron induced insomnia, things are moving forward well; the lack of sleep is rough but all worth it in the end if the transfer is successful.

We purchased our tickets for our flight to the northeast for the transfer at the beginning of March so everything is definitely becoming a bit more concrete! We’re flying out on March 6^th, the day before our planned transfer, and staying in the area until Sunday March 10^th so we’re able to relax and spend a little time with our donor family. As I mentioned previously, Ian will be traveling with us so if any of you have tips on flying with toddlers please send them our way!!! He’ll be 20mths old at the time and thankfully we were able to get a direct flight both there and back so total flight time will be about 2½ to 3 hrs. We’re leaving early in the morning both times, so although he’ll be waking up earlier than usual for us to catch the flight, we’ll arrive in time for his usual nap since there is no way this kid will sleep on the plane!

Emily, a friend through the infertility/loss blogging community, wrote the most beautiful encouraging words this week when I so needed them. As I sat there in the morning already feeling exhausted from the Lupron induced insomnia I’ve been experiencing this past week, I cried as I read her beautiful words. Take a moment to stop over; you won’t be sorry you did and you’ll likely walk away feeling a little bit more encouraged and strengthened as I did. Thank you Em for running this marathon infertility journey with all of us and lifting us up as you do it!