Holding pattern...

Nearing the end of our wait to find out if I am indeed pregnant & for once I have to say I wish Monday would hurry up & get her ass here! Infertility has definitely been testing my level of endurance like few things in life have. I usually have a pretty decent level of patience, but wow I cannot wait to know which way this is going. I’m also tiring of these nightly progesterone injections; my skin is sore, bruised, & now itching from the scars left by the injections. Although don’t get me wrong if the test results Monday reveal I’m pregnant I’ll willingly suffer through them for another four weeks.

As you ladies who have been in this wait know all too well this is a time when your mind plays games with you. So it is during this time of self doubt & uncertainty that I’m trying to cling to hope & faith that what will be, will be & I will survive it either way. I was reading a devotional earlier that said “tests of faith are opportunities to surrender something of value to God, even when we have the right not to. In a test of faith you’ll feel assaulted & stretched by circumstances, yet not distant from God; tried by them, but not judged or guilty.” Well I definitely feel stretched & a bit beaten by all that infertility has put us through. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt anger towards God at times.  The unfairness of infertility is still something that is so difficult for me to let go of & accept at times. I’m trying though & can honestly say that I feel this process is truly changing me for the better & although leaving me a bit scarred is also leaving me to examine a deeper part of myself. The reading ended with a quote by Bishop J.C. Ryle, “This only we may be assured of, that if tomorrow brings a cross, He who sends it can and will send the grace to bear it.”

Lastly, I’ve got this song in my head which seems rather fitting at the moment, so I’ll leave you with these lyrics & Let It Be…

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, ...