How time changes us....

Dear Lily,

Three years ago we held you, cried over you and clung to each other as we attempted to accept that we had to say goodbye. Our grief was all consuming, and we questioned how we would move forward and if we would ever become parents. 

Two years ago we spent the day in the NICU watching your brother struggle due to his prematurity as we adapted to parenting a NICU baby. 

One year ago we had just finished celebrating your brothers 1^st birthday and were in awe of how much life had changed for us. 

And now, 3 years later, life is a blur trying to keep up with your 2 year old brother. In a way, I like that you and your brother’s birthday are only about a week apart. It's a reminder of the reality of this life we live, a dance of joy and pain. None of us are granted an easy life; we will all experience losses that change us in a dramatic way, but we will also continue to experience moments of pure love that leave us feeling thankful we get to continue living this imperfect life. So today, as I think about the 3 year old you never got to become, I hope you know you are missed and loved and will always be a part of our family.

Where we're at...

I had one of those moments a couple weeks ago when the scars of infertility felt fresh and the why us questions started to hit again. I think everyone who has experienced infertility has moments like this. In the past month I’ve had two more of our weekly play group moms announce they are pregnant, one of which was less than thrilled about it which I think was why that announcement was difficult for me. Everyone else with the exception of one mom in our weekly group is already pregnant and expecting their second child. I am happy for each of them and their families but couldn't help but feel a bit on the sidelines suddenly.

I’ve said before that perspective really is everything, and I was given a healthy dose of that just when I needed it that same day when I saw Sevenly’s reminder that someone is praying for the thing you take for granted. It made me stop and think about all the incredible things I have in my life to be thankful for. I also have to remind myself occasionally to trust in the journey that God has for our family, which is not always easy given the difficulty of the challenges sometimes put before us. I’m trying though and focusing on enjoying the present moment. Also, I've recently seen friends who have had children very close together (two kids in diapers!?!?) and it’s been incredibly challenging for them, so I’m thinking maybe waiting just a bit isn’t so bad after all. We’re still on track to try again towards the end of the summer or beginning of fall, but for now I’m thinking the bigger age gap will be a positive for our family.

In terms of sleep at our house at least the nights are back to normal with Ian sleeping through the night, which is so wonderful!  He had dropped his naps for a couple of weeks which was exhausting, but he got sick a couple weeks ago and now has picked the whole napping thing back up so we’re hopeful that continues. Hard to believe he’ll be two in two weeks now!!!!

Ian is such a little outdoorsman and we both love all of the recent opportunities to be outside. He is becoming more expressive and completely cracks us up sometimes with his little mannerisms. He is such an incredibly sweet natured little man, and with the exception of the occasional toddler tantrum, he is still our calm, chill little guy. I had very casually started potty training with him by just purchasing one of these seats to put on the toilet and letting him try it so that he could get comfortable with it not at all intending for him to actually start using it. Well, shockingly, he’s actually pooped in the toilet using this on a somewhat regular basis already! I’m not pushing it too hard but when I see it looks like he might be ready to go I ask him if he wants to use the potty and he typically replies yes. I definitely don’t expect him to be totally trained in the near future but am just thrilled there have been a few less poops for me to clean up!

Otherwise we’re enjoying summer and looking forward to lots of pool time and fun in the sun! We've already had some visitors and are so excited for the other friends and family planning to come stay with us while visiting the KC area this summer.

Completely random side note, but for those of you who don’t know I became a Thirty-one consultant back in November, primarily because I love their products so much, and since we’d moved I didn't have my local consultant anymore to host parties with. Plus now I get a discount so it’s a win-win for me! So the point I was getting to…I’m able to host fundraisers for those of you who might be in need to raise funds for infertility treatments or adoption. If you want further info just let me know. Seriously, no pressure, just thought I’d put it out there in case any of you might be interested. And you don’t have to live in the same area either. Obviously infertility treatment and adoption are causes very close to my heart and I’d love to help if it's something that could benefit you and your family!

Just a few recent pics to share...

Ha...our recent attempt at a family pic, of course he chooses to stick his finger up his nose ;) 

Sleep regression...

In terms of cycling, I finally was given the all clear that my hCG level was down to less than 5 about two weeks ago, so now we’re just taking a bit of a break. It seems that this break -- in which I can consume as much caffeine as needed -- came at just the right time in terms of parenting challenges as we've hit a nasty stage of toddler sleep regression. Am I the only clueless one out there? I had absolutely no idea this was even a thing until I was discussing Ian’s sudden waking during the nights and difficulty going down for naps & bedtime with a friend, and she sent me this article from Ask Moxie about the 18 month sleep regression. Here is another good article I read regarding this last night. Apparently between the ages of 18-20 months (or for Ian 22 months which makes sense given his 2 month developmental delay) toddlers often go through this phase of sleep regression. Lack of sleep with a newborn? Totally expected. But lack of sleep with a 22 month old that you then have to keep up with during the day?… Totally blindsided us! Would be interested to hear your experiences with this.

Some of you who have followed me for a while know I love to read, and with our frequent trips to the library I’m always looking for new authors and books! I just finished Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed by Glennon Melton. She is one of my favorite bloggers and writes over at Momastery, and her book was fantastic! It’s one I honestly think I’ll read over and over. Another incredibly inspiring read that I cannot recommend enough is Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival and my Journey from Homeless to Harvard  by Liz Murray. I also just started reading Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller and really like it thus far. She had a very similar experience with delivering preterm due to preeclampsia and offers great insight into the unpredictable and unexpected challenges of parenthood. I’m attending a reading and book signing tonight for Cheryl Strayed, the author of Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things, both of which are great reads! Would love to hear what great books you all have been reading lately. Also, if you’re on goodreads.com, I’d love to see what you’re reading and would recommend.

Also, just a little side note…stop by and check out my new cooking blog if you get a chance! One of my passions is sharing delicious food & recipes with others. I try to post meals that appeal to everyone from vegetarian dishes, to comfort food, to sweet treats; hope you’ll find something that you and your family can enjoy!

Discussing next steps...

The last few days have been a bit of a whirlwind, but thankfully things seem to be settling now and we’re able to focus on our next steps. My hCG level had increased slightly on Monday to 192 which had me a bit worried, but then my cycle started that evening and the hCG level yesterday was down to 45.

We had a phone consult with our RE in the northeast earlier today which left both of us feeling optimistic and hopeful. She’s going to have me return to my clinic here for another hCG check next week, and I’ll continue these until the number is down to five or less signaling that everything is clear. Hopefully this will happen in the next 2 weeks.

The RE said that essentially this was a chemical pregnancy in which the embryo implanted but then stopped dividing and growing. It’s such an early miscarriage that in cases like this she said it typically signifies there was a problem with the embryo and nothing that we could have done differently. She mentioned that this is common even in the healthiest looking embryos. The human body is actually fairly inefficient in this manner and chromosomal/DNA abnormalities account for a large percentage of chemical pregnancies. She also said since it was such an early loss I won’t have to repeat a saline sono before our next transfer.

We discussed our current frozen embryos which consist of 4 blastocysts, 2 of which are day 5 and 2 which are day 6 embryos. She said they are all good quality and would initially use the day 5 embryos before transferring the day 6 embryos because the day 5's have a very slightly higher probability of success. She told us she feels very optimistic about future transfers since each time they've done a transfer the embryo has implanted and my uterine lining has been in optimal condition. She continues to feel a single embryo transfer is best for us considering my history. We definitely agree with this recommendation and feel most comfortable continuing with single embryo transfers in the future.

As for when we’ll do our next transfer, she said we’ll wait until my hCG level is back to zero, and then if I haven’t had another cycle start within 4wks of that they’ll get things moving and I can start back on birth control pills. Then we’ll map out when we’d like to move forward with the next transfer.

For now we’re focusing on all the many things we have to be thankful for, especially Ian, and are feeling hopeful about a future transfer. And yes…I’m thoroughly enjoying partaking in wine and caffeinated coffee and tea while I can!

Processing that it's over...

The clinic told me that the hcg level was essentially the same yesterday as Thursday, so they gave me the go ahead to stop all medications. I'll return to the clinic Monday for another lab draw to ensure the hcg level is dropping as it should. Wine was on the agenda last night; enjoyed the virtual drinks with some of you! Going to take some time off now to get my body back in shape and lose the weight I gained with this cycle. Thanks for the love & support. We're doing okay, and both of us felt having Ian helps a lot, and he makes this feel like less of a devastating loss. Don't get me wrong, it sucks a lot, but we can still move forward. Life is still a beautiful mix of joy that our boy brings which helps to temper the grief. At this stage we're still processing, and I'm certain we'll continue experiencing a plethora of emotions as we accept that this cycle is over.

And so it ends before it ever really begins...

So the first hcg level came back at 92 which at this stage should be in the 400-500 range. Going in tomorrow morning for another lab draw to ensure the levels are decreasing and there isn't concern for an ectopic pregnancy. We're doing okay honestly if something is going to go wrong glad it's happening at this stage and not a few weeks from now but sucks all the same. Just really hoping things happen naturally and ready to down some wine tomorrow once I know everything is ok.

The home test says...

So as with the last two times we’ve gone through treatment, it was my husband that just couldn’t wait any longer and encouraged me to POAS a few days before our blood test. A close friend who works at a clinic was able to get me a freebie pregnancy test, and Sunday morning we took the first test…and sure enough as you can see it was light but there was definitely an extra line! (Two lines is positive)

 

The whole testing at home thing always has me SO nervous. I almost felt like I was going to be sick before we looked at the results of this test! And then of course I start second guessing, worried that because the line was faint it might not be right, and so I tested again Tuesday morning and saw another faint but definite line.

Needless to say, I really am looking forward to the reassurance of the hCG blood test Thursday morning so I can feel a bit more confident that things are as they should be at this stage. We’re going to be traveling for the Easter weekend so I’ll post if I’m able to get the results back soon enough Thursday, and if not will when we return home.

I think it’s time to break out that copy of Franchesca’s book CelebratingPregnancy Again to help get me in a positive mindset! I really want to embrace this pregnancy with joy and not let fear dictate my mind. So much of Ian’s pregnancy was filled with worry and concern about all that can go wrong, and while I know it can’t be completely wiped from my mind I want to enjoy this pregnancy more and lean more towards hope than fear. One step at a time. I’m celebrating this first milestone and really, really hoping for many more and, my goodness, hoping for a full term pregnancy this time! Is that too much to ask?!?!