Carried through...

Today I finished reading I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief & Joy by Angie Smith. It is an amazing book that has helped me a great deal and one that I know I will read many times. Angie talks about the loss of her daughter, questioning God's plan, and her journey of faith in spite of her pain...I cried a lot while reading it, but found hope & strength through it as well. There are so many parts of this book that I loved, but I’ll just point out a couple of sections here.  For anyone who has experienced significant losses in life, you probably know all too well that when people are unsure of how to comfort you they say things that they think will help. As Angie so perfectly puts it, “It means so much more to me when people just tell me they’re sorry and don’t try to make all the pieces fit or explain it into something that it isn’t…sometimes the right thing to say is nothing at all. It’s just to be there, available, willing, authentic.” She talks about the grief and loss that we will always feel for our children who are no longer with us and reminds us that God is not threatened by the difficult questions and feelings that come with this journey of deep loss. “We aren’t going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don’t have…He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith.”  I take comfort that He knows our pain and is also saddened by the loss of Lily’s life, and that even though it was so short her life has been felt by many.

Overall, I feel like we're surviving pretty well considering all we've been through recently. I still cry every day, but I now also smile every day, and I carry with me faith and hope that our future will hold happiness and joy.

This is a song that Angie Smith’s husband wrote after the loss of their daughter…the video is a beautiful story of their families amazing journey.

Triggers & news...

This past weekend was great; my sister, brother in law, & niece visited. It’s always hard after guests leave to get back into the work routine and a bit of a let down. I’ve experienced an intense amount of triggers this week. At work, as usual, there are pregnant people everywhere. I’ve gotten good at casually walking away from situations if talk amongst co workers turn into difficult topics, but it’s still hard. Due to the size of the hospital I work in not everyone knows what happened, so it’s not at all that people are trying to be insensitive, they just don’t know what happened and are so clueless to how painful overhearing these conversations can be. I’m getting good at emotionally detaching, don’t know if that’s best, but it’s the only way I can survive the situation without busting into an emotional mess.

Then there’s f**king fb; sometimes its more of a curse than blessing. While I love that you can keep up with friends from afar, I know you other BLM’s know what awful triggers lurk there. First there are all the happy pregnancy updates & ultrasounds posted by some who were not far behind me in their pregnancies. Each one is a painful reminder of what is missing in my life & where my life should be at the moment. Then this week was the hardest hit so far, I saw pictures that an old college friend (who did not know what had happened to us) had her first daughter and of course what did she name her baby?…Lillian. Then tonight they sent a mass text to everyone in their contacts about their daughter’s birth…that one hurt like hell. Just as I was starting to have a good afternoon another emotional blow. I did decide to text back letting them know that while I’m happy for them and I realize they probably have no idea that our daughter died only 5 short weeks ago and happened to be named Lillian as well, I would appreciate not receiving any further text updates about their baby. Cold maybe, but frankly I don’t care right now…self preservation is more of a priority to me at the moment. As expected they had absolutely no idea.

So as to not leave things as a complete Debby Downer, although I know you would all understand, we have some very exciting news. After a lot of researching our options in the journey to become parents we are beginning the process to pursue adoption. I have some amazing resources through my job, two fellow social workers who have both adopted their children (one through foster to adopt & one through private adoption) who have helped answer our questions and guide us in starting this process. So our first meeting with the adoption agency social worker to begin the home study process is next Wednesday! I’m reading up as much as possible on adoption at the moment and trying to be sure we’re informed as we begin this journey. We are fully aware it can be a long process so we feel good about beginning and excited about what the future may hold for us. There are of course fears associated with this process as well, but as with all things in the process to become parents, when faced with infertility there are no guarantees with any of our options. We’re prayed a lot that God would lead us in the right direction and recently we’ve both felt led towards adoption. We are trying not to let our fears get the best of us, to be realistic, but also to maintain our faith that God has a plan for us and that some day we will be parents again.

All that really matters...

This past weekend with our friends was a wonderful respite from what our life has been as of late. They brought their 11mth old son with and we both cherished the time we were able to spend cuddling & loving on him. It was hard at times because of course we couldn’t help but think of what we will never experience with our own daughter and the hole that is left by her no longer being with us painfully aches. Also though we both felt it really engrained in us the belief that we could completely & utterly love a child who is not biologically ours. This is not to say we have definitely decided we will pursue adoption, it is still too soon and we’re just considering our options in the future, but we are both feeling our hearts tugging in this direction at times recently. This being said I still deeply ache to carry a child myself and am not sure I have reconciled letting go of this intense desire.

My post partum visit with the doctor Monday went as well as you can expect given the circumstances. She was incredibly kind and thankfully since I made the appointment early in the morning I did not have to wait long or see lots of pregnant women. She did say I would be at an increased risk of pre term delivery in the future as the biggest risk factor for this is previous pre term delivery. Really though the only thing that would be different with any future pregnancies is that they will recommend weekly progesterone injections from 16-37wks. So really nothing I didn’t expect to hear, but still really difficult to accept. And most of all terrifying to think that even though I would again do my best to be the model pregnant patient the worst could happen a second time. This is incredibly hard to think about and is the thought that haunts me.

Been feeling lots of ups & downs lately. My heart so deeply aches for Lily and the future that we will no longer share together. Most days I can’t help but think, how has this turned into my life, it’s so hard to grasp at times. This is a song another BLM posted earlier this week and I completely connected with the words…as the song says “it happens in a blink”, the reality of how fast our lives can dramatically change is etched into my soul. As well as the truth given by intense tragedy & grief that “the only thing that matters is how we loved”….so, so true! Thank you for being a part of my life if only for a little while Lily & teaching me to love deeply, I know that I want to honor your brief life by making the most of the time I have left on this earth.

Difficult answers...

I finally heard back from my OB’s office today regarding the pathology report they received from the hospital. The report analyzed the placenta. My doctor said the results indicated what she had believed to be the case; it was an asymptomatic infection which caused me to go into preterm labor. The good news with this is that she said any subsequent pregnancies should not be affected by this. The bad news is it’s very difficult to accept that something as simple as an infection caused the loss of my daughter. That, and I can’t help but think I should have known something was wrong. She assured me that there were no signs of placental abruption as the cause of preterm labor & I was definitely not showing any signs of incompetent cervix, both of which I was concerned about as I’ve heard many baby loss mothers uses these terms as the cause of their losses. She said that with any subsequent pregnancies they will plan to have me on progesterone injections weekly until 37wks into the pregnancy as this is the only thing they’ve found throughout the years to help maintain pregnancy. So although I guess this news is about as good as it can be given the situation, it is still incredibly hard to accept. My post partum visit with her is scheduled for Monday morning, which I’m praying isn’t too difficult as far as lots of perky talkative pregnant women in the waiting room. I scheduled it for early in the morning in the hopes I wouldn’t have to wait long in a waiting room full of what reminds me of where my life should be instead of where it is. As if we already didn’t feel we fell into the minority of statistical worst case scenarios of what can happen regarding infertility we now apparently do in pregnancy as well. Such an incredibly simple freak cause and yet with such devastating results.

Earlier this week we got Lily’s death certificate in the mail and then a couple of days later her birth certificate. Hard to believe this is my life now. This has been a pretty difficult week emotionally. It’s odd and I wouldn’t have expected that, but for some reason the emotions hit me hard at the beginning of the week. I guess rationally I know that grief is something that hits you in waves and sometimes in the most unexpected moments, but living it is different. Looking forward to a visit from some of our very close friends this weekend, they’re flying into town tonight and I think it’s exactly what we need at this moment.

I’ll leave you all with a quote that was shared with me by a fellow blogger…
'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”    --Washington Irving

Struggling to find understanding…

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to understand why we lost our daughter; why after trying so hard to have a child ours was taken from us. I’ll admit that lately I’ve had a very difficult time with accepting that there is likely no understanding it, no reason that would make it acceptable. It’s just so painfully unfair…I can’t stop asking why people like us who are so prepared to become parents and so badly want to aren’t able while I see so many people on a daily basis who can easily conceive & yet don’t take care of the multiple children they have. I think I’m entering into the anger stage of grieving, because to be frank, it makes me feel incredibly angry at the universe & God that this happens. What good does it do this world that we are denied a child while others are given children they abuse and neglect? I realize there is not always a clear cut answer for these things in life and that I will likely never understand the answers to these questions, but it doesn’t stop me from asking why and wondering. I know that these feeling are valid and that thankfully my God understands and is big enough to handle my anger right now.

I’ve been reading an amazing book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. If you or someone you love has experienced infant loss I highly recommend you read this book. I have shed many tears while reading it, but also feel it is helping me through the grieving process. In one section of the book Angie talks a bit about her own struggle to understand the loss of her daughter and how she needs to have a reason as to why this happened to her little girl. She says “I am the kind of person that wants to understand exactly what is happening…Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry us. Our role is to trust it into His keeping.” I’m really trying to trust right now, but I must admit it is not always easy and is itself a major struggle. I too want a reason; I want to know definitively why this happened to our family, how this can be prevented again, and what purpose this loss serves. These are answers I feel I will never know and to which at some point I will have to reconcile an acceptance towards. For now though I am merely making steps in my grief, and for me at this point that is enough.

Lastly, if you haven’t already checked out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope here is a link to my story…
http://facesofloss.blogspot.com/2010/07/rebecca-mom-to-lillian-grace-june-27th.html

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope…

I’m happy to introduce you all to a new blog that was started by Kristin of Dear Stevie. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is a blog that she just started to help put a face to pregnancy and infant loss while also helping women who are facing these struggles to know they are not alone. Please head over, check it out, and help get the word out about this amazing new resource!

Also wanted to mention an excellent article that another blogger led me to earlier this week; it is an article featured in Self magazine on infertility.

I personally think it’s terribly sad that so many people are “in the closet” about their infertility. As mentioned in the article, how can we ask for changes to occur in our society if we ourselves aren’t willing to be open about our struggles? I always feel thankful when more exposure is given to infertility in the media. If more of us were open about our journeys, then maybe infertility wouldn’t be so isolating, and those in the fertile world would be more understanding. I know personally that when sharing my story with friends and family I have received nothing but love and the desire to understand our struggles. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I’m also the type that feels strongly about where I stand on infertility issues and if someone doesn’t like it well that’s their right. I also know without a doubt that unless you’ve actually experienced infertility yourself and been through what we have, it’s impossible for you to know how you would really react given similar circumstances.

A special day that was not meant to be…

Today was supposed to be my baby shower, a day I had been looking forward to since we found out I was pregnant. The shower invites had actually been sent out just a few days before we lost Lily, and I had been excitedly stalking my registries to see what people were buying. It was going to be held at an adorable little eclectic coffee house near where our families live in Iowa. I bought a cute dress the day before I went into labor while shopping with friends. Words can’t properly describe how excited I was for this day, and now it’s just another painful reminder of what would have been.

This was a poem someone sent to me; it perfectly sums up what I’m feeling on a daily basis since Lily’s death:

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and the day before that, too.
I think of you in silence, I often say your name,
But all I have is memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone,
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
~ Author Unknown