Holding pattern...

Nearing the end of our wait to find out if I am indeed pregnant & for once I have to say I wish Monday would hurry up & get her ass here! Infertility has definitely been testing my level of endurance like few things in life have. I usually have a pretty decent level of patience, but wow I cannot wait to know which way this is going. I’m also tiring of these nightly progesterone injections; my skin is sore, bruised, & now itching from the scars left by the injections. Although don’t get me wrong if the test results Monday reveal I’m pregnant I’ll willingly suffer through them for another four weeks.

As you ladies who have been in this wait know all too well this is a time when your mind plays games with you. So it is during this time of self doubt & uncertainty that I’m trying to cling to hope & faith that what will be, will be & I will survive it either way. I was reading a devotional earlier that said “tests of faith are opportunities to surrender something of value to God, even when we have the right not to. In a test of faith you’ll feel assaulted & stretched by circumstances, yet not distant from God; tried by them, but not judged or guilty.” Well I definitely feel stretched & a bit beaten by all that infertility has put us through. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt anger towards God at times.  The unfairness of infertility is still something that is so difficult for me to let go of & accept at times. I’m trying though & can honestly say that I feel this process is truly changing me for the better & although leaving me a bit scarred is also leaving me to examine a deeper part of myself. The reading ended with a quote by Bishop J.C. Ryle, “This only we may be assured of, that if tomorrow brings a cross, He who sends it can and will send the grace to bear it.”

Lastly, I’ve got this song in my head which seems rather fitting at the moment, so I’ll leave you with these lyrics & Let It Be…

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, ...

Beautiful Blogger Award & update…

First, a quick little update on our last embryo. We received news from the RE’s today that our third embryo did not meet the qualifications for freezing. We weren’t surprised at this & are just thankful that we had the two excellent embryos we needed for transfer. We’ll know next week the results & if this round of IVF will bring us that elusive pregnancy!

What a wonderful surprise & start to my Monday morning thanks to Emily at A Hope & a Wish for a Gift from a Petri Dish for granting me the Beautiful Blogger Award!  

Thank you Emily for knowing how to make me smile & being such an amazing support to me on this journey. Emily has been with me since the early days of my blog; she brings me such inspiring positive encouragement when I need it & knows just the right thing to say! As someone who knows all too well the pain of infertility I’m so happy she is now enjoying her 6^th week of pregnancy thanks to the miracle of IVF!


The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

•     Thank the person that nominated you for this award (see above).

•     Copy the award and place it on your blog.

•     Link the person that nominated you for this award.

•     Tell us seven interesting things about yourself.

•     Nominate seven bloggers.

•     Post the links to the seven bloggers.

Seven interesting things about me....

1)      I grew up in Iowa, after college moved to Alabama for almost 5 yrs, & have lived in Kansas for almost 2 years now. I love the adventure of moving to a new city & exploring new surroundings!

2)      While I’m not a major risk taker I enjoy trying things at least once…which led to my skydiving with my husband a few years ago.

3)      My husband broke his leg when he fell on the ice 6 weeks before our wedding day! Yes, he was on crutches for the ceremony, but we still managed to “dance” at our reception & enjoyed a fabulous honeymoon in Hawaii.

4)      I’m the only redhead in my immediate family, there were great grandparents on each side of my family with red hair & I have a young cousin with red hair…we’re a rare bread.

5)      My two front permanent teeth were knocked out in an intense game of cops & robbers with my cousin in the 2^nd grade…yes I was the robber, unfortunately due to my “arrest” my hands were being held behind my back, which didn’t bode well when I fell on the gym floor!

6)      Growing up I was far from a serious student & didn’t see myself going on to college, but after graduating from high school something changed in me & now I hold a Masters degree.

7)      My husband & I made the decision to host a foreign exchange student this past year; she has been living with us since August. This was before we knew we were facing severe infertility issues & a lot of people thought we were crazy to “parent” a teenager before having our own children.

Now enough about me, here are the 7 fabulous & amazing women I would like to nominate for the Beautiful Blogger Award…

1)      Jana at Find Joy Now, the title of her blog says it all! She not only has a fantastic outlook on life, she is also one of the wittiest writers; I love her sense of humor!

2)      Chantelle at One Who Understands, we were blessed to come across each others blogs & wow do we have so much in common! Married within a few days of each other, dealing with the same infertility issues, & she is also about to undergo her first cycle of IVF. I’m so thankful to have had you on this journey with me!

3)      Wishing4One, she has been supportive & encouraging throughout my journey. She & I have been within a few days of each other through this IVF cycle & I hope that this is the year for both of us!

4)      Baby, Interrupted; she has been such a fabulous support to me on this journey & I’m so thankful our paths crossed. She is also going through a cycle of IVF & is just a few days behind me.

5)      Clare at The Pitter-Patter, we’ve recently become acquainted in the blog world & I’m thrilled to report got her official positive pregnancy test today!!! Hooray for another successful IVF!!!

6)      Three is a Magic Number; she is also a social worker so of course she rocks & a self proclaimed NPR junkie how can you not love that!

7)      I Can Haz Bebe, she is an amazing survivor who has gone through intense loss & continues to move forward, truly inspiring! She is currently holding a fundraiser to benefit their efforts to adopt internationally so I hope you’ll all check out her blog & maybe find a little something beautiful to grow in your own garden. Also on a side note…my husband absolutely loves the name of her blog, it is his favorite blog name!

Thank you ladies for making the blogosphere of infertility a better place, for passing on your wisdom & inspiration and reminding all of us faced with IF that we are not alone! 

Bookstore Maladies...

Reading is something that I not only take great pleasure in, but is also a coping mechanism for me. I’m an advocate of the belief that knowledge is power, so often when confronted with challenges in life I expand my understanding & awareness by reading about the issue at hand.

We stopped by the bookstore today, which is a place that I absolutely love, probably more than any other store. I love to read & find joy in just looking around the store at various books. Today was a bit different though; I couldn’t help myself. I went to a part of the store I shouldn’t go, it was just too tempting. The baby/pregnancy section. I longingly scanned the pregnancy, birth, & baby name books wondering will these ever be books I’ll be fortunate enough to need. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but a couple of years ago when we had first decided to start TTC & I made the leap to go off BCPs I had eagerly rushed off to a local bookstore & purchased a book on pregnancy. I was so naïve & hopeful, sure that I would be pregnant soon; I was sadly mistaken. I thought back to that day while looking at the bookshelf in the store & I just wanted to cry. First because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look through those books with joy at the prospect of my own pregnancy & secondly for that naïve girl who didn’t know the painful road that awaited her.

Maybe-babies???

We picked up our maybe-babies from the world’s most expensive day care today & hopefully they’ll be with us for the long haul! Overall the transfer procedure was painless & went smoothly; I was of course slightly uncomfortable due to my full bladder, but survived & held it together like a champ. Funny little side note, Nick is always teasing me about my bladder being small, saying it’s all in my head. Well prior to starting they checked to see if it was indeed full with the abdominal sonogram as some women say they’re uncomfortable & have a full bladder, when really they’re not even close (Nick thinking I would fall into this category). Well I was promptly redeemed when all of the women in the room including the doctor took a collective gasp & said “Oh wow you’re bladder is really full.” Anyway back to the transfer itself…and because I know you’re wondering, yes, Jana at your suggestion I wore some crazy socks to liven things up with the stir-ups. Soft, sparkly socks to be exact! There were still three embryos viable at the time of transfer. We had two grade A quality embryos & one grade B. As recommended by the doctor we transferred the 2 A quality embryos. We are to check back next week as to the viability of our third embryo & whether it is likely it would be a good candidate for freezing. We were pleasantly surprised that this might even be a possibility! Before transfer they gave us this striking picture of our two little embryos…can you see the resemblance? :)

The RE was honest with us regarding our chances of success; she gives us about a 35% chance right now of conceiving with a successful live birth. Both of us appreciated her honesty; it’s important to stay grounded to reality in this situation. No sense in sugar coating the facts.

Lastly, one of my wise blogger friends who has the most inspiring attitude in all of this reminded me today that there is more to me than infertility & it is essential to find joy in the journey. She totally rocks & I find her humor & happiness refreshing; check her out at http://findjoynow.blogspot.com/. So today, at this moment in time, I choose joy, optimism, & faith in the hope that regardless of the outcome of IVF & where this road takes us, it will be the right one.

Transfer time...

What a difference a day makes in infertility world! Our second fertilization report was thankfully more positive than the first. All 3 of our embryos are still with us & they’re all of excellent quality. The RE still wants to go forward with my transfer tomorrow at noon. They are still highly suggesting the transfer of 2 embryos at this time, which Nick & I have agreed is the best decision at this point. So needless to say I take back what I said in the early days of this blog, there now will be a chance that twins are in our future!

So those of you who want the gory details of what the embryo transfer entails, here ya go. First off I’ve been instructed to take 600mg of ibuprofen 1hr before transfer. They’ll be doing an abdominal ultrasound at the time of transfer so I have to maintain a full bladder, which for those of you who know me is going to be a true test of my endurance! I have a bladder basically equivalent to the size of a bird (dramatization, but ask my family; not far from the truth) thus necessitating frequent trips to the bathroom…hence major challenge, pray for strength! Then, still continuing with the full bladder a thin catheter is threaded through the cervix into the uterine cavity. Using the abdominal ultrasound, the catheter position will be located & the embryos deposited through the catheter into the uterine cavity. Lastly I must remain lying down for about 15 minutes before they’ll dismiss me…yes continuing with the full bladder, which I basically equate to being one of Jack Bauer’s interrogation subjects, okay again with the dramatization, but really it, will be tough for me! Then it’s off to bed rest for me for the next couple of days in the hopes our little embryos stick like glue.

We started our Progesterone injections last night, which thankfully were not nearly as bad as I expected. I know there seems to be a pattern here…I prepare myself for the worst & then am pleasantly surprised at the results. I think I’m turning into more of a pessimist! Anyway thanks for the advice oh wise veterans of these injections, the ice worked wonders at numbing up the area thus making it easily tolerable. We’ll continue with these injections for several weeks if things go well, never been so happy to be given a shot!

Thank you all for you kind & supportive words yesterday, we really needed them! We’re off on another uphill portion of this emotional rollercoaster, hoping to not go flying down too far this time!

Reality bites...

We received our first fertilization report this morning & sadly it was far from what we had hoped. Of the 13 eggs that were retrieved yesterday 10 of them were mature. They proceeded with ICSI on all of these & unfortunately only 3 have successfully fertilized. Due to this low number they feel in all likelihood transfer will take place on Thursday. We’ll get another report tomorrow informing us of how many of them are still viable & also what their grade is. Since our options are limited & we now have such a small number of embryos to work with the IVF coordinator has already said they’re recommending placement of 2 embryos if we still have that many on Thursday. I’ve been so cautious in not being too optimistic during this whole process & was just starting to allow myself to really hope these past couple days, now I feel like I’ve been knocked back to reality…it sucks! In all likelihood we will now not have embryos left for freezing, which further drives home the point that this is our one shot at pregnancy & a biological child. We’re again feeling the realization that this whole process is so precarious & offers no guarantees. This has been a major disappointment to us & we’re feeling beyond sad that things aren’t working out as well as we had hoped. This is absolutely the most intense emotional rollercoaster of my life & I’m just praying for some positive news tomorrow & that we’re granted at least 2 healthy embryos.

As author Peggy Orenstein said, “Adversity is a random, arbitrary thing, though one can still glean meaning from it, use it’s crucible to become a better, more compassionate person.” I hope that through this process I’m able to do exactly that & find some meaning in this intense & unwanted path.

Post-op retrieval...

Let me start by saying I had Nick proof this to ensure I wasn't too loopy in the writing of this entry, apparently it's okay since he gave me the go ahead.

I’m thrilled to report that things went splendidly this morning! As with everything during this process I’ve been prepping myself for the absolute worst & this was cake compared to what I was expecting. I was of course nervous as most people are prior to surgery, but everyone at the clinic was so wonderful, which helped to calm my nerves; that & I’m sure all of the prayers you all were sending up for me (thanks for that, someone obviously heard something)!

The surgery room wasn’t nearly as scary thanks to the fabulous medical team I had working with me…an all female team of brilliant scientific minds! And I must say thank you God for my RE she is so incredibly talented & obviously has great aim…I have not been in any pain since the procedure!!! I've not needed even so much as a Tylenol, maybe I’m a tougher cookie than I thought:) Also, loving my anesthesiologist who thankfully granted me an incredibly peaceful sleep throughout the procedure. Granted some of the marvelous drugs they gave me may still be sticking around a bit, but at the moment I feel great & definitely did not expect this.

As for my eggs, the doctor was able to retrieve 13!!! We will get a report tomorrow on how well they’re all doing & their quality. Hopefully we’ve got some beautiful strong little embryo’s growing in those petri dishes. Not quite the way you imagine making a baby, but hey it’s what science has granted us & we’re grateful it’s an option.

So tomorrow we also get to begin the dreaded progesterone injections!!! This is the first & only intramuscular injection; we use a 22g 1 ½ inch needle! The progesterone is a natural hormone that enables the uterus to support pregnancy, aiding in endometrial development, & helping the embryo to thrive. These are by far the worst of the injections & if things are successful I will be given them daily for the next several weeks!

On a completely random side note, if you’ve never watched the show Brothers & Sisters you’ve got to check it out! It has grown to be my absolute favorite show & has tackled some of the most difficult topics (IVF, adoption, surrogacy, gay rights) with such remarkable realism.

Thanks again for all the prayers & support that have been offered up for us, please continue to pray that our embryos thrive & we have at least a couple healthy ones left for transfer in a few days.