Grace filled unexpected life…

A few months after losing Lily you may remember I wrote about the difficulty I was having in coping with losing her and how that related to my faith and spiritual life. After the initial shock of losing her wore off, I really struggled with what I thought I believed. I was left with anger towards God and such deep sadness. Let’s face it, after losing your baby it’s part of the grieving process to feel anger, and who better to be able to shoulder that anger than God? Thankfully my spiritual journey didn’t end there, and although I consider it just that--a journey one that continually grows and develops--I now find myself in a place of reflection.

Since having Ian I’ve better understood the grace of God. When I lost Lily I couldn’t see into the future, I couldn’t understand and wondered if I’d ever experience motherhood for more than 5 excruciating minutes. You might wonder where all of this spiritual life talk is coming from. Well this past Sunday Ian was baptized at our church and as you can imagine it brought up some of my past spiritual baggage. I remembered shortly after losing Lily sitting in a church service in which a new baby was being baptized and just crying uncontrollably asking God how and why my baby wasn’t there with me. At the time we gave Lily the middle name Grace I couldn’t have known what meaning that would hold and how much my life would be impacted by grace.

My experiences these past couple of years have been overwhelming, leaving me deeply aching at times and definitely not at all what I had planned for my life. But in experiencing infertility and infant loss I’ve also grown in my appreciation and perspective for the important things in life and have a deeper sense of my beliefs and myself than I likely would have otherwise. I like to think in her own way Lily led our donor family to us. I have absolutely no doubt that without losing her I never would have been led to embryo adoption and had the honor of becoming a mother to Ian, and so I’ve come to learn that I can embrace both the joy and sadness that have led me to this place. And that, my friends, is grace in all its raw realness and beauty.

Lastly, had to share a little blog love with you all. I came across this blog earlier in the week & already love her! Encourage you all to take the time to check her out, she’s funny, sassy, open minded, and real. Real about her recovery, about parenthood, about faith, and so much more.

Cloth diapering, part two…

So to start off my first living green post, I thought I’d answer some of the questions that had been posted about cloth diapering. I discussed our routine in detail in this post back in September. I was really impressed with the number of you who commented that you also cloth diaper and love that this is becoming more common.

We’re seven months in now and continue to be happy with our decision to cloth diaper. We even traveled with our diapers during the Holidays when we went home to stay with our families. It went more smoothly than I expected and would definitely do it again, although we were traveling by car for just a few hours.

One thing that has changed since my last cloth diaper post is that we’ve recently introduced solids which as you all know brings some changes in baby poo. Oh, how we already miss the exclusive breast fed poo! So now that things are a bit more interesting in that department we’re using liners like these which work awesome at catching a majority of the business. These can then just be flushed down the toilet. For the really bad diapers or parts that aren’t caught with the liner we have a diaper sprayer. Still learning how to use this without spraying water everywhere but starting to get the hang of it! Another pro that we've experienced, Ian has never had a diaper rash since using cloth!

I know cost savings is one reason a lot of people choose to cloth diaper, but if you’ve shopped around for cloth diapers, you know some brands/types can get pretty expensive. One way to still get your favorite more expensive cloth diapers is to purchase used cloth, and while this will save you money it also is another great way to reuse and reduce waste! Two of the sites I’ve found great deals on are diaperswappers.com and the babycenter.com cloth diaper swap group. This is also a great way to try a diaper you’ve been curious about and want to ensure it fits your little one well before purchasing several of that type/brand. Also, if you have a local cloth diaper shop they may have a consignment area where you can sell and buy gently used cloth.

Using cloth diapers does sometimes come with trouble shooting. After using cloth diapers for a while you may begin to experience a funky ammonia smell once the diapers are wet. We just had the pleasure of experiencing this in the past week and I went to my trusted local cloth diaper shop and purchased some Rockin Green Funk Rock. Soaking the diapers overnight in hot water in the washer and then running a wash cycle helps to get the funk out of your diapers when you begin to smell that nasty ammonia funk.

So on to answer some of the questions posted previously…
What are our favorite diapers? We really loved fitted diapers. Our favorite fitted diapers are Kissaluvs with a Thirsties cover. We also have tried some pocket diapers recently and have been happy with how well our Kawaii diapers hold up, especially when used during the night at longer intervals. We have one Oh Katy pocket diaper as well and this also holds up well. We also have four of the older style BumGenius AIO’s that are great and so easy to use.
What would we have done differently when building our stash? I had heard a lot of people suggest not buying too many of one specific type of diaper until you’ve tried it on your baby since different diapers fit every baby differently. I think this really is great advice and if I had it to do over again would have done this. I purchased a lot of Flip diaper inserts and a few Flip covers thinking we would primarily use these because they are one of the more inexpensive types. While they’ve worked okay for us we’ve also had a lot of leak issues and just haven’t liked them as much as some of our other diapers. Hoping though as little man gets bigger these may seem to fit better and lead to less leaking. Also since I've started only using these diapers during the day I've had better luck. Our fitted and pocket diapers definitely work better for night time wear.
What do we do for a wet bag or pail? Well in the nursery we have a couple different hanging wet bags so we can rotate them out when one is in the wash. Then in the laundry room I have a large trash can with a pail liner which is where we put most of our dirty diapers. I also have two pail liners so again there is always one in rotation while the other is being washed. In terms of our washing routine I discussed that in my first cloth diaper post and we’ve continued with that same routine which has worked well for us.

Had to share about this awesome non profit called Giving Diapers Giving Hope that I heard of recently. They provide cloth diapers to low income families in the United States enabling them to save money while also benefiting the environment. Talk about a win-win!

And of course can’t leave you without a good laugh. Here is a hilarious post I saw last week, if only men did get this excited about cloth diapering!

Lastly, I definitely do not think I’m a cloth diaper guru, just wanted to share what we’ve learned so far & hopefully answer the questions that were asked previously. If you’re a cloth diapering Momma and have some advice or comments would love to hear from you. If you’re thinking about CD’ing and have more questions definitely let me know, I’ll do my best to answer your questions honestly based on our experiences.

Changes & some good laughs...

Well we’ve definitely learned over the past few years that life can throw some pretty unexpected twists and turns our way, and shortly after my last blog post we received another. The company Nick works for is closing the site and consolidating at another location, and thus we may be relocating in the coming year. We’ve talked often about moving closer to our family in Iowa, and now that his company is moving further away we’re beginning to look at opportunities a bit closer to home in the surrounding states. Moving definitely wasn’t something we had planned for our lives in 2012 but it appears life may have other plans, and as we’ve learned before sometimes it’s the most unexpected things that can bring the most joy. Trying to be optimistic with so many unknowns can be relatively anxiety provoking. Ultimately though, I do believe change is what you make it, and at this point it’s too early to tell what lies ahead.

Ian has made the transition to his crib this past week and it’s been going well overall. He’s also been making other developmental strides. I was able to catch him rolling from tummy to back, and he’s started grabbing objects with his hands regularly. We received the go ahead to begin cereal and have started that as well. Initially he didn’t seem to like it at all, but in the past couple of days he’s started to get the hang of it and now seems to enjoy it. Our little man is seven months old today, and it blows my mind to think back to all that’s happened in the past couple of years.

Lastly, please stop by and give some words of encouragement to my IRL friend who is undergoing IVF cycle #3; it’s been a long uphill road for her and her husband and they can really use some support.

If you need a good laugh, I discovered this blog last week when she was featured in a story on the Huffington Post. This woman is freaking hysterical, and trust me, laugh you will.

New Beginnings and living green…

As we begin another year, I can’t help but look back at all the drastic changes that have occurred in our lives this past year. The difference a year makes continues to leave me in awe. This Christmas was incredible; sharing our family traditions with Ian and for the first time really seeing the Holiday season as a parent with a living child, it was beautiful. Then celebrating the new year for the first time with a baby and thinking back to where we were last year, very newly pregnant hoping for the best but feeling cautious and afraid of all that could go wrong. This New Year’s Eve was spent differently then we’ve ever celebrated before, in our PJ’s in the comfort of our home, and yes, sleeping before the stroke of midnight!

As someone who has lived through the tragedy and then breathtaking joy that life can bring, I am thankful to be beginning this new year on a celebratory note. I am holding so much hope for several of my friends both in real life and the blogosphere. Hope that 2012 brings inconceivable happiness to your lives and that you feel strengthened and renewed.

This blog, which started out simply to offer an outlet through infertility treatments, has led me through many unexpected journeys. As we begin the new year I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to expand my blog in other ways. Living a green and healthy lifestyle is something that’s exceedingly important to me and something I definitely want to instill in Ian, so I thought I’d begin including some of this in my blog as well. We’re already a family that recycles all we can and also cloth diapers, but I know there is likely much more we can do to be good stewards of this beautiful planet we call home and save at the same time. I’m planning to attempt making our own baby food in the future when we receive the go ahead from Ian’s pediatrician to begin introducing solids, so this will be one new escapade I’ll share as we embrace 2012 and all that lies ahead for our family.

FET anniversary, support, and thankfulness…

There are important dates in all of our lives that become etched into our memory, a point at which our lives changed sometimes for the better or, sadly, sometimes for the worse. It’s hard to believe all that’s happened in our lives in the past year; it seems like it’s been so much more than what one year could possibly hold. Tomorrow, December 2nd marks the one year anniversary of our FET. The date that Ian became a part of our lives. A day that was filled with hope and possibility. A point at which the risk of joy and what could be became a bigger part of our lives than the grief and loss that had come before. Sure, there was still a great amount of fear in our lives, but we were stepping out in faith and hoping that our dreams would become a reality. What an incredible ride we have been on this past year!

This Holiday season I am thankful for so many things. Thankful that we’ve been given the gift of parenthood, that every day we get to experience the world through our son’s eyes, and that this holiday season we’re experiencing one magical moment after the next with Ian.

In our day to day world life has been wonderful. Ian has adjusted beautifully to daycare and seems to really enjoy his time there. I love how close he is and have enjoyed being able to just walk next door and visit him during my work day. Ian also experienced his first road trip this past week as we made our way home to Iowa to spend the Holiday with our families. He handled it perfectly which is such a relief since we’ll be making the same trek at the end of this month.

I’m curious whether any of you who have struggled with infertility have been involved in or attended a RESOLVE support group? If so what were your experiences? For some time now I’ve had it on my heart to possibly start one in my area but have been uncertain of whether there would be enough interest. I’d appreciate your feedback so much!

I hope this Holiday season brings hope & courage to those who need it most, and that those who have had their dreams realized recognize the beauty of that and how incredibly blessed their lives are.

These are the days…

I am officially a neglectful blogger. I didn’t intend to be “that girl,” but unfortunately time just passes by so quickly these days, and a certain someone wants to be held a majority of the time when I’m home thus leaving little time for blogging. I’ve been keeping up with most of your blogs though as reading blogs definitely doesn’t require two hands!

So while it seems each month goes faster and faster these days, we’ve had lots of good news to report. I’d say the milestone we’re all most excited about is that Ian is officially off oxygen!!! He’s been off O2 for a week and a half and is doing amazing. Life is so much easier for all of us now that we don’t also need to tote around an O2 tank everywhere baby goes. We also attended our first church service as a family this past Sunday and it was so nice to be able to introduce Ian to some of the people that have supported us these past few months with their prayers and love. Plus, who doesn’t love showing off their adorable baby?! He also continues to be doing great with breast feeding, and it’s funny to watch him when he takes an occasional bottle. He thinks he needs to suck fast for a letdown and instead ends up with a mouthful of milk running down his face. It’s too funny!

Our next hurdle to cross involves Ian beginning to attend a daycare the three days a week I work. While I know he’ll be in good hands and he’s going to be right next door to me at the child development center for the hospital where I work, it’s still a huge change for him which equals anxiety for me. Prior to this we’d had someone coming into the home to care for him, long story short that didn’t work out due to her cervical cancer diagnosis and they finally had an opening for him at the center. So for the first time he’ll be out of his home environment all day and around other small children. I know in the long run this will likely be a good and healthy development for him; he’ll learn to adapt to change and he’ll get to socialize with other children, but the initial adjustment scares me. I just worry about how he’ll handle all these changes and hope it’s not too difficult for him. Normal feelings I suppose.

All in all these days life has been filled with thankful moments. It’s the little things like enjoying a rainy afternoon with not just a good book and a warm cup of tea but a sleeping cuddly baby in my arms; the sweet smiles & coos that are given in return for gazing into those beautiful blue eyes. Watching him grow and thrive in front of our eyes has been so amazing. There are also the imperfect moments, when he fights sleep crying against what his little body needs, when I’m also feeling the throws of exhaustion and trying to balance his needs and my own. Ultimately though, as life so distinctly tends to brings us balance, the difficult moments give us perspective on those perfect moments we also get to experience. The joy is that much sweeter, the love that much deeper, and the gratitude that much fuller when you have struggled through the hardships of knowing how much life really can change in an instant and how precious this imperfect life we are blessed enough to live each day can be.

Breastfeeding & the difference a year makes…

This momma is SO thrilled to report that after 3 ½ months of exclusively pumping, Ian has finally taken to breastfeeding over the past couple of days. It is so much nicer for both of us. He seems much more content after eating, and for me it’s much more fulfilling to be able to feed my baby directly instead of relying only on the pump. Granted I’ll still need to pump for the three days a week I work but even cutting pumping down in half would be a huge improvement. We’ll see how the next few days go, but we’re hoping this change will make things a bit smoother for us & Ian.

We’re slowly taking Ian out a bit more; last weekend we made a trip to our local pumpkin patch for Ian’s first trip out of the house other than doctors appointments, and it was lovely! We’ve also enjoyed visits from grandparents recently. Nick’s parents came a couple of weeks ago and were a huge help, and then my mom came and stayed for a week and a half and was a lifesaver. It was so helpful to have an extra set of hands around the house, especially as we adjusted to my return to working.

Ian is almost completely off oxygen! He spent his first full day off O2 yesterday and it went great; we were even able to take him to a neighborhood get together. I kept him in the Ergo the whole time which he appeared to love as he slept the entire time we were there. At this point he doesn’t need oxygen when he’s awake and needs just the smallest amount (1/32nd of a liter) when in a deep sleep. At this rate we’re thinking he’ll be off oxygen completely in the next week or two! We found yesterday with him off of it all day that life is much easier since we can now carry him around the house without lugging around a heavy O2 tank.

While at the annual neighborhood get together last night I was talking to another new mother and she mentioned how she was struck by how much had changed since this time last year when she was newly pregnant. I in turn was hit by the memory of where I was at this time last year. I was still deeply grieving the loss of Lily which had occurred just three months earlier and wondering how and when if ever I’d be a mother to a living child. And there I stood feeling such joy, profound thankfulness, and a tinge of sadness for those who are still asking themselves those same questions I was a year ago. What a difference a year has made in our lives.

Lastly, I’d ask that you think of my dear friends Tiffany & Dennis as they remember & honor their son Julius on the one year anniversary of his death this Wednesday, October 12th. Say a prayer, light a candle, donate towards Julius’s memorial fund if you’re able, and be grateful for the child you hold not just in your heart but in your arms.