Grace filled unexpected life…

A few months after losing Lily you may remember I wrote about the difficulty I was having in coping with losing her and how that related to my faith and spiritual life. After the initial shock of losing her wore off, I really struggled with what I thought I believed. I was left with anger towards God and such deep sadness. Let’s face it, after losing your baby it’s part of the grieving process to feel anger, and who better to be able to shoulder that anger than God? Thankfully my spiritual journey didn’t end there, and although I consider it just that--a journey one that continually grows and develops--I now find myself in a place of reflection.

Since having Ian I’ve better understood the grace of God. When I lost Lily I couldn’t see into the future, I couldn’t understand and wondered if I’d ever experience motherhood for more than 5 excruciating minutes. You might wonder where all of this spiritual life talk is coming from. Well this past Sunday Ian was baptized at our church and as you can imagine it brought up some of my past spiritual baggage. I remembered shortly after losing Lily sitting in a church service in which a new baby was being baptized and just crying uncontrollably asking God how and why my baby wasn’t there with me. At the time we gave Lily the middle name Grace I couldn’t have known what meaning that would hold and how much my life would be impacted by grace.

My experiences these past couple of years have been overwhelming, leaving me deeply aching at times and definitely not at all what I had planned for my life. But in experiencing infertility and infant loss I’ve also grown in my appreciation and perspective for the important things in life and have a deeper sense of my beliefs and myself than I likely would have otherwise. I like to think in her own way Lily led our donor family to us. I have absolutely no doubt that without losing her I never would have been led to embryo adoption and had the honor of becoming a mother to Ian, and so I’ve come to learn that I can embrace both the joy and sadness that have led me to this place. And that, my friends, is grace in all its raw realness and beauty.

Lastly, had to share a little blog love with you all. I came across this blog earlier in the week & already love her! Encourage you all to take the time to check her out, she’s funny, sassy, open minded, and real. Real about her recovery, about parenthood, about faith, and so much more.