Stand up!

It’s so difficult to not go there in my mind. The other day at work I was walking through the hospital and I started to feel some back pain, completely normal during pregnancy, but I couldn’t help it, my mind went there. Back pain was the first symptom I felt the day my pregnancy with Lily ended, radiating back pain. As I begin to worry, I attempt to calm myself and think through the pain; it’s not radiating, it’s not coming & going in a pattern, it’s just a little back pain, but it’s also a reminder. Things could change in an instant.  Such is the anxiety of a pregnancy after loss, riding an emotional roller coaster trying to make it to the end of the ride. Overall doing well, feeling a little less fatigued and really looking forward to my next appointment on Tuesday!

As a woman and a social worker, I believe strongly in a person’s right to self determination. Throughout our journey with infertility I have been incredibly aware that I am so lucky to live in a time and place that allows me to make the decisions that have been afforded to us. Keiko posted an important update on recent legislation that all of us as women should care enough about to get involved. And as she said, those of us ladies who have struggled with infertility need to be especially cautious of some of this legislation which attempts to control women’s access to healthcare and can have a major impact on infertility treatments in the future. Do you want someone legislating what you do with your frozen embryos? As someone who has been on the receiving end of donated embryos I am incredibly thankful, but maintain that it should be the CHOICE of the donor couple what to do with their embryos and should not be a decision that is taken out of their hands. Furthermore, one of the most infuriating pieces of legislation has to do with investigating all miscarriages!  Imagine miscarrying after 6 weeks and your doctor having to report it to the government. This is so absurd I am quite certain it will never become law, but the fact that someone in office is so ignorant as to even suggest this makes me realize how important it is that as women we stand up for our rights! Click here to sign a letter in support of Planned Parenthood and to speak out against the funding cuts they will receive. These cuts will have a dramatic affect on the healthcare resources available to women in all of our communities. Vital resources such as birth control, cancer screenings, HIV/STD testings, and other lifesaving care! So ladies, I urge you…stand up, speak out, and let your voices be heard!

Lastly, this website, Damn You Auto Correct, brought me more laughs than I’ve had in a long time…hilarious!

Listening brings understanding & blog hop...

If you didn’t catch Stirrup Queens post earlier this week about discussing infertility, you’ve got to click over and check it out. As always, it’s incredibly well written and delves into the fact that it’s not just a matter of us talking about infertility, but also the need for people to actually listen to what we’re saying. I think that it’s likely all of us who have been open about our infertility struggles in real life have encountered ignorance as a result of that, and the fact that people often respond with judgment and unhelpful advice further ads to the frustration. I hope that in time understanding of infertility and assisted reproductive medicine will improve, and that the legislation surrounding mandated coverage will follow suit.

Those of you in the BLM community have probably seen that Franchesca has started the Small Miracles Blog Hop, and the topic this month is hope. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to join the hop and discuss what has brought you hope lately.

Of course this pregnancy has brought hope and continues to, but I think that the gift that allowed this pregnancy to occur in the first place is what truly brings me hope. Hope not just for me personally, but for the broader humanity that is the world in which we live. The fact that there are people like our donor family who care enough to reach out to us, a family half way across the country who they didn’t even know before, and to take the massive leap of faith of entrusting us with their embryos fills me with such hope. Hope that there continues to be incredibly good people and amazing acts of love that exist in this world. I think as a society we tend to focus so much on negative, tragic, and awful circumstances that we lose sight of all the compassion and kindness that occur as well. That is the hope that propels me forward and leads me to believe that although there has been a lot of sadness this past year, ultimately our future holds joy and memories to embrace.

Lastly, had to share this beautiful article. I loved how the author described how grief, while always a part of us, changes throughout our lives. “It seems that the longer we’re here experiencing the ride of life, the more life gives and takes from us. In this journey, our souls, like tattooed bodies, hold the patterns of brightly blooming, colorful pain that burns and slowly heals over time until it fades into the outline of our memory – still there, always there, but never quite the same.”

Conflicting emotions...

First off, I know I’ve been a bit MIA lately, but I’ve honestly just been so tired, trying to catch up on sleep when I can since I’m not sleeping great at night, and just trying to take things one day at a time. I received a call from my OB’s office to notify me of my appointment with the MFM specialist. I’m scheduled to see her on March 21st; they said after I check in, I’ll go for a sonogram and then I’ll have a consult with the specialist. I’m really looking forward to this appointment and a bit disappointed it’s so far away. I have my next appointment with my OB on March 1st. I’m very happy to report that as of yesterday I’m officially off the Progesterone injections and Estrace pills! At my next OB appointment we’ll talk details about starting weekly Progesterone injections beginning at week 16, but until then I get to enjoy a bit of a drug free vacation. Also, for those of you who have experienced preterm delivery in the past, a friend shared this article with me about a new medication that has been approved by the FDA to prevent preterm labor in women who have experienced this in the past. I plan to talk with the doctor about this at our next appointment as well.

So mentally I’ve been trying to take things one step at a time; I’m really glad to have hit the 12 mark, but it hasn’t really taken the worry away as I still know all too well things can go wrong past the first trimester. Seeing this article yesterday was another sad reminder that things do not always end as they should.

Since losing Lily it’s been hard being around pregnant women and hearing people talk about their newborns, but I did take a big step forward this past weekend. I visited my dear friend Rachel and her new baby Simon. Both she and I were a little worried about how this visit would be emotionally, but thankfully it was wonderful. It had been a very long time since I’ve held a healthy newborn in my arms. I held Simon for a long time during my visit and it was incredible. He is fantastic, and in a matter of only a few minutes I fell completely in love with the little guy! During the past few years of struggling with infertility, the thought has crossed my mind that we’re trying so hard to reach this goal that everyone says is the most amazing thing, to become a parent, to have a child, but is it really what we want or is just the message that has been engrained into our minds through society’s expectations? That day though, holding Simon, I left knowing that without a doubt I absolutely want this and that all of the struggles and challenges will be worth it when we hold our baby.

A fellow blogger had mentioned to me that the farther along she’s gotten in her pregnancy the more fear she has felt. I didn’t think I would feel that way, but at this point I’m definitely feeling more fearful. Last night I had a really hard time falling asleep worrying about what would happen if something went wrong and feeling so uncertain of whether I should share the news about my pregnancy with co-workers on my floor in the hospital where I work. I’m extremely torn emotionally in this respect. On the one hand, I want to embrace this pregnancy fully knowing how incredible it is, but on the other hand I’m having a difficult time not feeling terrified of all that can go wrong, and my more cautious side has me feeling apprehensive about getting too excited, planning too much, or sharing the news with too many people.

Yesterday I read my friend Tiffany’s blog and it completely brought me to tears. She talked about how when I lost Lily she made the decision to take a picture of her son, Julius, every day because she knew how life could change in an instant. She felt Lily made her a better mother and helped her to cherish the time she had with her son. Tragically, only about three months after this, her son died as a result of SIDS. I know there are no guarantees, and I have learned intimately this past year that life can change drastically in an instant. I guess I need to learn to integrate that reality into also attempting to cherish what I do have while living in the moment. As one of my favorite songs says…Let it be, let it be, let it be

Reassurance...

We met with our new OB for the first time today and it was wonderful! I can’t say enough good things about her; she completely set me at ease, and I feel confident I’m in capable, compassionate hands. We discussed my history and she answered our questions. She highly recommended us seeing the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) specialist to determine what she would recommend given my history to prevent preterm labor. There is only one MFM specialist in our area and she is in high demand, so they refer me and we wait to hear from her office as to when she wants to see me. The OB checked the baby’s heartbeat with a doppler and it was a strong 172bpm. I’ll return to the OB’s office in a month for my next check up with her and wait to see when the MFM specialist will see me.

You may have noticed I’ve been avoiding placing one of those pregnancy tickers on my blog up until this point. I decided since I’ll be 12wks Saturday I suppose it’s time to take a leap of faith and add it. As Nick said, we’ve been trying so hard to protect our hearts against another loss, but even if something were to happen again, nothing we do or don’t do will make it any less painful. I definitely feel reassured after our appointment today and know that a lot of this is out of our hands, so we hold to hope and we wait to see what the future holds for us.

Lastly, I have two close real life friends, one of which recently received difficult news and the other with the most amazing news. I’m hoping all of you incredibly supportive bloggers will stop by to offer them some love. First, my dear friend Melissa just experienced her second failed IVF cycle. Many of you know the frustration and pain of going through IVF only to not make it to transfer. Please flood her with support and encouragement as they try to decide how to move forward from here.

And to end things on a happy note, when I started blogging I knew it would likely bring me support, but little did I know I’d make some real life friends in the process. One of those friends was made out of tragedy; both she and I lost our daughters last year. We’ve traveled through the grief of losing a child together. Rachel has been an immense support to me, and today I’m thrilled to report she welcomed her rainbow baby into this world! There had been some concerns previously about whether he may have some health problems, but this time the universe got it right, and in the midst of a crazy blizzard, Simon Kale was born weighing 8lbs 13ozs and thankfully perfectly healthy!!

Also, to all of you who have lost a baby, I encourage you to stop by my amazing friend Tiffany’s blog for her giveaway this month! She is such an incredible person and has also started a new organization called In His Name to pass on support to families affected by SIDS losses; check it out & be inspired!

Appointment & research study....

Well my appointment at the new OB’s office with the nurse practitioner was a bit disappointing. I miss our RE’s office SO much, they are so incredibly kind and sympathetic to what we’re going through. I always just feel like a number at the OB and they just don’t recognize how difficult it is for some couples to get to this point. I guess working in the medical community myself, my expectations of the care I should receive are high. We’ll see. I’m hoping I feel a bit more reassured by the OB herself at my appointment in a week. It was far more difficult than I thought to sit in that waiting room. I tried to focus on my Kindle and push emotions aside to get through what I needed to. The NP really just took a history and then had some lab work drawn which should be back for the appointment with the OB next week. The history and all of the questions about my previous pregnancy were also a bit more difficult than I had expected. It would be nice if they at least glanced at my medical history before coming in the room to avoid asking unnecessary questions about my previous pregnancy. I was disappointed they didn’t offer to check the heartbeat with a doppler and had to ask specifically for them to do so when I was leaving. There reply was that they don’t typically do them this early into a pregnancy and that maybe the doctor would try next week when I see her…not exactly the answer or reassurance I was hoping for.

I recently came across a request for subjects from someone who is researching embryo donation and adoption in an attempt to “honor women’s experiences of embryo donation and adoption by allowing the women with whom I speak to define the issues within these experiences which have been most important, most terrifying, most fulfilling to them.” She is conducting this research through two sets of interview based questions which she will e-mail to you. If you have been a part of embryo donation or adoption and are interested in taking place in her research study leave me your e-mail address in the comment section and I will pass along the contact information for the researcher.

Lastly, loved this quote Franchesca shared today at Small Bird Studio; it seems fitting for the place in which I find myself today…

Quilt of love...

Yesterday we received a gift made with so much love and kindness it touched our very souls. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while might remember the following entry I wrote just a few days after Lily’s death…

One of the most profound acts of kindness that has touched us so deeply has come from a high school classmate in her offer to make a quilt of love using some of the clothes I had purchased for Lily. There really are no words to properly describe how much this has meant to both Nick & I. I had purchased a couple of outfits for Lily the day before she died, and the thought of having to return them was more than I could handle. Then, just a couple of days after her death, I received the kindest message from Audra saying she would like to do this for us. Initially, when I received this message I just cried; the thought that someone who lived across the country and whom I had not had contact with since high school was reaching out to me in such a selfless way touched me to the core. Audra, your generosity and compassion have given us such hope in the midst of our grief...I feel there is nothing I can ever redo to properly repay you for what you have done for us.

That beautiful, handmade heirloom quilt arrived at our door yesterday afternoon. It was an emotional moment to say the least opening that box. Looking at the quilt with tears streaming down my face, the thought crossed my mind that seeing Lily’s clothes as a part of this quilt seems somewhat symbolic of our lives over these past few months. After she died we were so lost, so uncertain of the future and how we would cope with this immense grief. With time though, we have been putting the pieces of our lives back together, just in a different manner than before. Our lives will always be different now that she is gone, but the pieces that have made the most difference in helping us to grieve and move forward have been the people. The people like Audra, who have given with their hearts and souls, showing us the goodness that exists in this world, helping us to have hope that in a world filled with so much compassion and love we will survive.
As the quote Audra shared with us says, “The best kind of sleep beneath Heaven above, is under a quilt, handmade with love”

Dear blog followers, if any of you would like a beautiful quilt yourself or would like to purchase one for a friend, check out Audra’s Etsy page…she is also available to make custom quilts!

Double digits...

As of today we are officially into the double digits! Even at 10wks into this pregnancy, it all still seems a bit surreal. I cannot wait for my first appointment with the nurse practitioner at my new OB’s office Tuesday; I need another heartbeat fix and the reassurance that those appointments bring. Thankfully things have really been going smoothly thus far, hopefully this trend continues!

One of my closest real life friends is scheduled to have her egg retrieval this morning, please stop by and wish her well. It has been a long road for her and her husband, and they are due for celebratory news.

Lastly, I wanted to share this beautiful poem that Franchesca posted earlier this week. It touched me so much, and I hope it does the same for others who read it for the first time.

A Different Child

by Pandora MacMillian

People notice 

There's a special glow around you. 

You grow 

Surrounded by love, 

Never doubting you are wanted; 

Only look at the pride and joy 

In your mother and father's eyes. 

And if sometimes 

Between the smiles 

There's a trace of tears, 

One day 

You'll understand. 

You'll understand 

There was once another child 

A different child 

Who was in their hopes and dreams. 

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes 

That child will never keep them up at night 

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all. 

Except sometimes, in a silent moment, 

When mother and father miss so much

That different child. 

May hope and love wrap you warmly 

And may you learn the lesson forever 

How infinitely precious 

How infinitely fragile 

Is this life on earth. 

One day, as a young man or woman 

You may see another mother's tears 

Another father's silent grief 

Then you, and you alone 

Will understand 

And offer the greatest comfort. 

When all hope seems lost, 

You will tell them 

With great compassion, 

"I know how you feel. 

I'm only here 

Because my mother tried again.