Three months...

Hard to believe that as of tomorrow it’s been three months since our world was completely turned upside down and life as we knew it was changed. Sometimes I feel like it’s been so much longer; the emotions of grief make time seem to slow and require so much effort to move forward, yet at other times it feels like yesterday. We’re trying though to both honor Lily’s life and continue to live ours. We’ve accepted that our lives will never be the same; we will always carry with us the pain of losing Lily. The happy moments in our lives will forever be colored with a bit of sadness, knowing that there is a person missing, someone that should be also sharing in the memories that make up our family’s history. I will never again be able to answer the question “do you have children” with a simple answer. I will always hesitate, unsure of how to answer. I should have been about to go into my last month of pregnancy with Lily, instead I am remembering her on the three month anniversary of the day she left this world.

Now on to more hopeful news; our embryo adoption is thankfully moving forward smoothly. We had a phone consult with the doctor at the donor family’s clinic on Friday. She has agreed to have our clinic here follow her prescribed protocol and complete the mock transfer, then we’ll be flying to their clinic for the actual transfer. We were also relieved to hear her say that she would recommend a single embryo transfer; she believes that given the quality of these embryos and my history we would have as high as a 50-60% chance of success! This clinic obviously has FET’s down to a science, she said their embryo survival rates after thawing are around 90-95%! This was also a relief as we hope to have more than one child with our donor family’s embryos. So when my next cycle begins, I’ll be starting on BCP’s again and gearing up for hopefully a November or December transfer.

I came across this ancient Chinese proverb the other day and I thought it was a fitting way to describe this journey we’re on with our donor family. It is a journey none of us could have predicted or imagined, but one that we are embracing with hope.
 “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”

Coping with injustice...

It’s so hard to reconcile all of the injustice that exists in this world, especially when it slaps you across the face. I had a case today at work that did just that. I cannot come to a place of understanding as to why some individuals use substances throughout their pregnancies and yet have healthy babies and people like me who try so hard to eat the perfect things, don’t use caffeine, etc, lose their babies. It is so, so unfair. Thankfully I had some rewarding cases as well, helping patients and family who give me faith in humanity & remind me of why I continue to do this work. Thank God for them, without those people I don’t know how I could keep moving forward at all.

Saturday I spent the day with a fellow blogger and BLM, it was wonderful! We talked and talked and it was so therapeutic to be with someone who has lived through similar experiences. We visited her daughter’s grave and cried together at all that both she and this world lost when her daughter died. We’re planning to hang out again this weekend, this time at my place so we can talk openly without worry of people overhearing and the awkward social situations that can occur as a result of that. When you’re in public it’s instinctual to observe those around you, and on a couple of occasions we had to leave due to those who sat down near us as we knew both our tears of sadness and topics of conversation would be too shocking and upsetting for them to overhear.

In treatment news, we’ve talked with the donor family’s clinic and will be having a phone consult with a physician there either tomorrow or Friday to talk more details about a game plan for the FET. Some very exciting news to share…our donor family is flying into town to visit us in October!!! We’re so looking forward to meeting them, as well as their daughter, and thankful for the relationship that we share with them which I know will only grow stronger as we get the opportunity to meet in real life. It will be a quick trip, but one that I think all of us will cherish. So tonight I’m trying to focus & hold tight to all of the good people in this world, those that give me hope and that help me to try and reconcile that there will always be injustice in this world, and that when met with these circumstances, I need to focus on what I can control and try to let go of what I cannot.

Moving along...

Thank you for all your kind words yesterday, thankfully I’m feeling a bit more assured and stronger today. The sonohystogram went smoothly, as those of you who have been through this procedure before know it’s pretty uncomfortable at times, but I’ve experienced a lot worse, so nothing I couldn’t handle. Still though I’m glad it’s over! After talking with the donor clinic further today it sounds like they're a bit more receptive and just maybe things will happen this year. The donor mother contacted the clinic and I think that helped quite a bit, as I’ve said before we’re so lucky to have such an awesome family behind us in this process! As some of you commented, we’re hoping for a mock transfer during the same trip for the FET, but if we need to we’ll make the two trips. For those of you who aren’t familiar, a mock transfer is done as a sort of practice run to determine that there are no problems inserting the catheter and also to determine the depth and direction of the uterus so that they know exactly where to place the embryos the day of the FET. After thinking about it a bit more, if this helps to increase the rate of success for our FET, then it’s worth it. Our clinic has been so amazing & they’re extremely supportive of making this happen for us. Also, another example of what a small world we live in, it ends up the RE I saw today is good friends with one of the RE’s at the clinic we’d be having the FET at!

After that, I had an appointment with my primary care doctor to complete the physical forms required for our home study. It was really nice to see her, we caught up about everything that had happened recently, shared some laughs, and I of course shed a few tears, but it was nice. Comforting to know that all of these people are behind us in this decision and so supportive.

Looking forward to the weekend, for the obvious reasons of course, but also because on Saturday a friend & local baby loss mom that I met through blogging are planning to spend the day together. It will be nine months since she lost her daughter and I’m going with her to a town about an hour away so that we can visit her daughter’s grave. Although there will be sad moments, we’re also planning to attend a local arts and crafts fair and enjoy the company of being with someone who gets it. Although I know tears will be shed, there will also be laughs and it’s so therapeutic to be with someone how has experienced the same type of loss. I’ll be prepared; I’ve learned over the past couple of months that waterproof mascara is my friend…it’s actually all I wear now since tears have become such a normal part of my world. So tonight I’m enjoying a glass of red wine and thinking a bit more optimistically and knowing that no matter what happens I will persevere. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few months it’s that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, and even though I may fall down, I will not stay down.

Another step...

I was able to talk to someone at the donor family’s clinic today, and I don’t know why I’m surprised by this, but of course I was met with more red tape. As part of their protocol, this clinic will require us going through a mock transfer before performing the FET itself, so that will mean two trips to the northeast. I realize that this may be part of the reason their success rate is so much higher, it’s just frustrating to be met with another hoop to jump through. They also require a letter from a social worker clearing us for embryo adoption. Luckily we had already started the home study process prior to deciding on embryo adoption, and the social worker doing this for us has since become a friend and is more than willing to help, but again it’s another step. Also, to be perfectly honest, I just get tired of having to prove myself when most people in the world never have to do so to become parents. I’m tired of seeing people who take their children for granted when I’m fighting so hard to earn the title of mother. I’m tired and sad and wonder if I’ll ever again hold a baby in my arms and be a mother.

Then at work this afternoon, while trying to struggle through and go about my day, I overhear someone in my area complaining about her children to another co-worker who happens to be due right about when I was with Lily. As if seeing her everyday isn’t enough of a smack in the face about how unfair life is. I wanted to scream at them, “do you realize how lucky you are to have a child!!!” So many people take that simple truth for granted, that each life is truly a miracle. I get the feeling that a lot of people expect me to already be “over” losing Lily. They forget that she died only 11wks ago, and that if I had a normal pregnancy and my daughter was born at term and still alive I would still be on maternity leave. I just wish people could be more understanding and a bit more sensitive to the situation.

Well, I suppose enough of my pity party. On to sending a little help to others who are in need; hopefully this will send some good karma my way! First of all, a very talented fellow blogger is trying to raise money for her adoption and selling these cute and stylish hand-knit wrist warmers on Etsy, check out her store! Not only can you get something super cute, you’re also helping a great cause and how often does that happen? Also as someone who has started trying to take up the hobby of knitting myself recently I can tell you it takes a lot of talent and time to make these, I can only hope to make something as fabulous myself someday!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/morava?ref=seller_info 

Also, Ms. Pollywog is trying to collect blankets for Sweet Pea Project to be distributed to hospitals across the country for families who lose their babies. As someone who has received a blanket from the hospital when our daughter died, I can tell you this is something we treasured and will always cherish. It is a tangible comfort given in an unthinkably devastating moment. So if you’d like to stop on over to this post on her blog, you can get all the details.
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com/?p=872 

Lastly, please keep us in prayer that this embryo donation and FET will be successful. I want this so badly and I know our donor family does too. I also know that just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it, but damn it I really hope this time it does!

New look...

How do you all like the new blog makeover? The extremely talented Francesca from Small Bird Studio designed it, isn’t she amazing?!

Today has been a good day. Nick and I enjoyed breakfast at The Good Egg with the most amazing coffee and a relaxing afternoon of reading awaits me. We talked a lot about our upcoming embryo transfer, and pending a discussion with the donor family’s clinic, our plan is to most likely travel to the northeast. I have to say I’m feeling really hopeful; it just all seems like it’s meant to be. We have the most amazing, supportive donor family that we know is behind us 100%, and we feel blessed to have such an incredible opportunity awaiting us.

I’ve been thinking more recently about attempting to write our story in book format. I’ve always loved writing and have always dreamed of someday writing a book. When we first stepped into the world of infertility I thought about it, but knew there were so many other books already on the topic I didn’t know that I had enough to contribute. But as our story has grown into the aftermath of infant loss as well as embryo adoption, I’m starting to realize there is definitely a story here and possibly one that others might like to read about. I’m just starting this process so I’ll have to see what it becomes and if I really have enough thoughts & experiences in this head of mine to create a good enough end result.

Game plan...

We had a good visit with our RE today to discuss in detail the embryo adoption and develop a bit of a plan for moving forward from here. She said that although clinics rate their embryos differently, the information they received about the embryos was very descriptive. She went over the report with both their embryologist and a Ph.D at the University of Kansas Medical School. Overall, their success rate for Frozen Embryo Transfers (FETs) is about half of fresh cycles, so she definitely recommends transferring 2 embryos. She also said that although they would be happy to do the frozen transfer there, we also have the option of doing the transfer at the clinic where the donor family received treatment and where the embryos were both created and frozen. I need to have a sonohystogram done to make sure everything looks good since I had a recent pregnancy, so that was scheduled for next Wednesday. For those of you who aren’t familiar, a sonohystogram is an ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy.  The procedure involves having a catheter inserted into the uterine cavity, then injecting a small amount of saline into the uterus and using an ultrasound probe to examine the uterus. I've had one of these before prior to our first IVF cycle so I know what to expect, although it was pretty uncomfortable last time it’s nothing I can’t handle.

At first Nick and I were sure that we wanted to do the transfer at our clinic if they would do it, but after looking at the statistics the CDC keeps for success rates at every clinic we’ve found that the donor family’s clinic has much more experience doing FETs as well as much higher success rates (at least from the latest data in 2007). We need to talk about it a little more, but we are seriously considering traveling to the donor family’s clinic to have the FET done. We really just want to have the highest chance of success, and although Nick's been to the northeast once, I've never made it out there, so maybe we could take a little vacation along the way!

I was reminded today at work that although we may feel at times we have it hard, there are always situations which are worse; perspective is worth a lot, and I think all of us can use a dose of that from time to time. I was working with a patient who has been battling cancer for many years. She is relatively young and they’ve determined there is no more that can be done, so I helped to arrange for hospice and walk them through that process. It was a reminder of how sacred life is and that none of us know for certain what lies ahead.

Working through the stages...

Anger and sadness seem to inhabit me today. I woke up feeling good; the weather has been amazing these past few days and its incredible how much better I feel with fresh air blowing through the house. Then we went to church and as they sang How Great is Our God I couldn’t help but begin to cry, because I just don’t feel that way right now. I began to think back to that last day I had with Lily, holding my stomach in the back of an ambulance as contractions painfully rippled through my body and I prayed that somehow my baby would not be lost. My daughter is dead. The baby that we so desired, made so many sacrifices to have, and prayed countless prayers over is dead, and I absolutely do not feel that God is great right now. And on top of that we have infertility to contend with, all those well meaning people who say, oh you guys can try again…I just want to scream at them no, no we can’t, it’s not that simple. The injustice of infertility is maddening and the deep pain it inflicts is intense. To know the irresponsible teenager rubbing her perfect pregnant belly in the grocery store can so easily have what we have paid thousands and made so many sacrifices to have yet still eludes us is an incredibly heartbreaking reality to accept. And I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me feel incredibly angry.

I’ve been trying to work through my grief not just about losing Lily, but also losing the chance to have a biological child with my husband. This is not an easy thing to accept, and unless you have been there you cannot begin to understand the pain of working through this. It is letting go of ever seeing your spouse’s eyes or nose or smile in the face of your child. It is so many other countless things I can’t even begin to explain properly.

I took at knitting class yesterday and for the most part really enjoyed myself, but as it always seems to do when you get a group of women together, the conversation flowed to their children and for one lady in the group her baby. I sat there trying hard to focus on my knitting, telling myself breath deeply, stay strong, do not break down, while also wondering how they’ll respond if they ask if I have children and I tell them the truth. Thankfully, someone in the group made a mistake on their pattern and the conversation diverted to other things. It’s not that I don’t love to talk about Lily, I do, but most people have a hard time listening to someone talk about the baby they lost. It is a reality of life that the general public would rather gloss over and pretend doesn’t exist.

As we drove through town yesterday, I saw that that the Halloween stores have opened for the season and I felt such sadness. This time of year looks so much different than what I had expected. Instead of preparing for my first child’s birth, I am left grieving her and trying to prepare for how to honor her on her expected due date. My heart and soul ache deeply today for the child that I will never hold again. And while I so desperately want to be pregnant again and am so thankful for the gift of embryo donation and the amazing donor family we have been blessed with, at the same time I feel terrified of losing another child. Ultimately, we want a child to love, a little person that we can raise and call our own no matter how that occurs. Is that really too much to ask? So I’m sorry God, but today I need to feel this anger. I need to feel it so that ultimately I can let go of it.