Moving & saying goodbye...

Tonight one of my oldest friends is hurting, a friend who is really family in that we’ve been there through all the ups and downs of life together since junior high. There are many things I could say, I could rant about the anger I feel for her at the unfairness of it all or the overwhelming heartache I know she and her husband are feeling in a very deep way, but really none of that can help. They are struggling with the end of negative treatment cycle, one in a line of many that was filled with hope and one in which they poured their hearts and souls. If you’ve known this grief or even if you haven’t but want to offer support, please stop by her blog. I know in the depths of my own grief sometimes knowing I wasn’t alone brought some small comfort.

If I’m a bit MIA for the next month it’s because we are in the process of packing up our home & moving at the end of this month. Nick received a fantastic new job opportunity this past week which has us relocating to the Kansas City area. We’re thrilled that we’ll now be in closer proximity to our families in Iowa and we absolutely love KC (we lived there briefly while in college). So life is going to be a bit hectic for the next couple of months. We just put our house up for sale, are attempting to find temporary housing in KC, and wrapping up our old jobs while also attempting to pack and make preparations to move our entire house.

This move is incredibly bittersweet for us. While we’re excited for this new adventure and there are definitely many positives for us with this move, there are also many things & people that we are going to miss dearly about the city that has been our home these past few years.

This is the place where we discovered on a very intimate level what coping with infertility is all about. This city holds the friends who’ve gathered around us rejoicing with the news of our first pregnancy following IVF and then held us as we grappled with the loss of our daughter. This is where we welcomed our son into the world and have reveled in watching him grow and develop.

There are several things about this place I’m going to miss so much and the thought of leaving them hits me with a wave of sadness. Lily’s tree, which we planted in our front yard, is one of the most difficult to leave behind. I remember when we planted it in her honor by planting new life in our little corner of the world in the hopes it would live on for many years. A symbolic remembrance that she will always be a part of our home and that in some ways her short life will continue to live on in various forms in this world. Now we have to leave it behind and hope the new owners will care for this tree and help it to thrive.

These are the things I’m going to have to grieve as we say goodbye to another chapter of our lives and embrace the next journey we find ourselves on. Life is a complexity of experiences and as we begin to travel another road in our lives we are filled with anticipation of all that awaits us.

Baby food, developmental milestones, and attempting to focus on the moment...

The introduction of solids has gone pretty well so far. Ian absolutely LOVES his morning oatmeal, and for the past couple of months we’ve been adding in veggies. Thanks to several of you who recommended this incredible wholesome baby food website that has guided us as we’ve began introducing some homemade baby food. They offer simple directions for each type of veggie or fruit you’d like to make for baby and even some recipes as baby’s diet advances. Also, I LOVE the food charts that are available for download based on baby’s age so you can keep track of when different fruits and veggies are introduced and whether baby liked or disliked them. It’s not only a wonderful way to track the introduction of new foods but also a great keepsake for Ian’s baby book. I’ve made his orange veggies (sweet potato, squash, carrots) and he also tried avocado, but I did use store bought green beans and peas. So far he loves his orange veggies, especially sweet potatoes, and not such a fan of the greens but we’ll keep working on that. We’re starting to also incorporate some fruits. He seemed to enjoy banana and we’re going to try apples later this week. One thing I also like about the wholesome baby food site is they give you other ideas of fruits/veggies to introduce that aren’t necessarily available as store bought baby food. We really want Ian to have a healthy, well rounded diet and are hopeful if we introduce lots of good veggies and fruits early this will give him a foundation for good nutrition throughout his life. What were some of your baby’s favorite first foods? For those of you who cooked homemade baby food what are some that you’d definitely recommend including in the mix?

I recently read this article about baby sign language & downloaded their free charts. We’re starting out by just introducing three signs, eat, sleep, & I love you, so we’ll see maybe in a couple of months whether little man will be able to communicate a bit more with us.

Teething officially began in our house and little man is now sporting two teeth! We’ve also been enjoying some fabulous spring weather here as of late and have taken to daily walks which he absolutely loves. Though he simply must have his sunglasses on or he gets upset if the sun is shining in his eyes; true story!

Esperanza at Stumbling Gracefully has come up with an awesome idea for those of us who love to read; she’s forming a parenting book club! If you’re interested in participating check out this link & join the fun. The first book we’ll be reading is Bringing up Bebe.

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It seems there are pregnancy announcements for second and third babies everywhere I turn these days. I can truly say for most of these people it leaves me feeling happy for them and doesn’t sting as it did before Ian was a part of my life, but it has brought up many thoughts as of late. Thoughts such as will I ever get to experience pregnancy again, will Ian get to be a big brother someday? Although if I’m being perfectly honest here the thought of being pregnant again brings with it a crazy amount of conflicting emotions and makes me feel a bit sick to my stomach. Still though, I have to wonder whether these peaceful, loving memories while breastfeeding my son be the last time I experience this incredible bonding moment with a child? I know I’ve heard other mothers who’ve struggled through the trenches of infertility talk about their decision to breastfeed longer then they had previously expected partly due to this uncertainty. Originally my goal had been to nurse until six months, but now with Ian approaching nine months in about a week I’m reevaluating that goal and I suppose we’ll see, we may just make it to a year after all. The health benefits to him are the primary reason but it’s also such an easy thing now, not like the challenging beginning stages of nursing. Not to mention the cost savings! What were your goals for breastfeeding initially and have they changed?

I try to remind myself I need to focus on living in the moment, cherishing the memories I am making with this incredible child I am so blessed to call my son. It’s another balancing act, not letting my mind wander too far into fears of the unknown future that await us when we attempt to build our family further while loving the life we are currently lucky enough to live. Not to mention I think about all of my IF friends still struggling to become parents and I think I need to stop worrying about the future and just bask in the thankfulness for this one incredible little child I have and focus on that. Perspective, I suppose, is as always key.

Are you talking about me?

Ian & one of our dogs...they're already getting to be close buddies...

Grace filled unexpected life…

A few months after losing Lily you may remember I wrote about the difficulty I was having in coping with losing her and how that related to my faith and spiritual life. After the initial shock of losing her wore off, I really struggled with what I thought I believed. I was left with anger towards God and such deep sadness. Let’s face it, after losing your baby it’s part of the grieving process to feel anger, and who better to be able to shoulder that anger than God? Thankfully my spiritual journey didn’t end there, and although I consider it just that--a journey one that continually grows and develops--I now find myself in a place of reflection.

Since having Ian I’ve better understood the grace of God. When I lost Lily I couldn’t see into the future, I couldn’t understand and wondered if I’d ever experience motherhood for more than 5 excruciating minutes. You might wonder where all of this spiritual life talk is coming from. Well this past Sunday Ian was baptized at our church and as you can imagine it brought up some of my past spiritual baggage. I remembered shortly after losing Lily sitting in a church service in which a new baby was being baptized and just crying uncontrollably asking God how and why my baby wasn’t there with me. At the time we gave Lily the middle name Grace I couldn’t have known what meaning that would hold and how much my life would be impacted by grace.

My experiences these past couple of years have been overwhelming, leaving me deeply aching at times and definitely not at all what I had planned for my life. But in experiencing infertility and infant loss I’ve also grown in my appreciation and perspective for the important things in life and have a deeper sense of my beliefs and myself than I likely would have otherwise. I like to think in her own way Lily led our donor family to us. I have absolutely no doubt that without losing her I never would have been led to embryo adoption and had the honor of becoming a mother to Ian, and so I’ve come to learn that I can embrace both the joy and sadness that have led me to this place. And that, my friends, is grace in all its raw realness and beauty.

Lastly, had to share a little blog love with you all. I came across this blog earlier in the week & already love her! Encourage you all to take the time to check her out, she’s funny, sassy, open minded, and real. Real about her recovery, about parenthood, about faith, and so much more.

Cloth diapering, part two…

So to start off my first living green post, I thought I’d answer some of the questions that had been posted about cloth diapering. I discussed our routine in detail in this post back in September. I was really impressed with the number of you who commented that you also cloth diaper and love that this is becoming more common.

We’re seven months in now and continue to be happy with our decision to cloth diaper. We even traveled with our diapers during the Holidays when we went home to stay with our families. It went more smoothly than I expected and would definitely do it again, although we were traveling by car for just a few hours.

One thing that has changed since my last cloth diaper post is that we’ve recently introduced solids which as you all know brings some changes in baby poo. Oh, how we already miss the exclusive breast fed poo! So now that things are a bit more interesting in that department we’re using liners like these which work awesome at catching a majority of the business. These can then just be flushed down the toilet. For the really bad diapers or parts that aren’t caught with the liner we have a diaper sprayer. Still learning how to use this without spraying water everywhere but starting to get the hang of it! Another pro that we've experienced, Ian has never had a diaper rash since using cloth!

I know cost savings is one reason a lot of people choose to cloth diaper, but if you’ve shopped around for cloth diapers, you know some brands/types can get pretty expensive. One way to still get your favorite more expensive cloth diapers is to purchase used cloth, and while this will save you money it also is another great way to reuse and reduce waste! Two of the sites I’ve found great deals on are diaperswappers.com and the babycenter.com cloth diaper swap group. This is also a great way to try a diaper you’ve been curious about and want to ensure it fits your little one well before purchasing several of that type/brand. Also, if you have a local cloth diaper shop they may have a consignment area where you can sell and buy gently used cloth.

Using cloth diapers does sometimes come with trouble shooting. After using cloth diapers for a while you may begin to experience a funky ammonia smell once the diapers are wet. We just had the pleasure of experiencing this in the past week and I went to my trusted local cloth diaper shop and purchased some Rockin Green Funk Rock. Soaking the diapers overnight in hot water in the washer and then running a wash cycle helps to get the funk out of your diapers when you begin to smell that nasty ammonia funk.

So on to answer some of the questions posted previously…
What are our favorite diapers? We really loved fitted diapers. Our favorite fitted diapers are Kissaluvs with a Thirsties cover. We also have tried some pocket diapers recently and have been happy with how well our Kawaii diapers hold up, especially when used during the night at longer intervals. We have one Oh Katy pocket diaper as well and this also holds up well. We also have four of the older style BumGenius AIO’s that are great and so easy to use.
What would we have done differently when building our stash? I had heard a lot of people suggest not buying too many of one specific type of diaper until you’ve tried it on your baby since different diapers fit every baby differently. I think this really is great advice and if I had it to do over again would have done this. I purchased a lot of Flip diaper inserts and a few Flip covers thinking we would primarily use these because they are one of the more inexpensive types. While they’ve worked okay for us we’ve also had a lot of leak issues and just haven’t liked them as much as some of our other diapers. Hoping though as little man gets bigger these may seem to fit better and lead to less leaking. Also since I've started only using these diapers during the day I've had better luck. Our fitted and pocket diapers definitely work better for night time wear.
What do we do for a wet bag or pail? Well in the nursery we have a couple different hanging wet bags so we can rotate them out when one is in the wash. Then in the laundry room I have a large trash can with a pail liner which is where we put most of our dirty diapers. I also have two pail liners so again there is always one in rotation while the other is being washed. In terms of our washing routine I discussed that in my first cloth diaper post and we’ve continued with that same routine which has worked well for us.

Had to share about this awesome non profit called Giving Diapers Giving Hope that I heard of recently. They provide cloth diapers to low income families in the United States enabling them to save money while also benefiting the environment. Talk about a win-win!

And of course can’t leave you without a good laugh. Here is a hilarious post I saw last week, if only men did get this excited about cloth diapering!

Lastly, I definitely do not think I’m a cloth diaper guru, just wanted to share what we’ve learned so far & hopefully answer the questions that were asked previously. If you’re a cloth diapering Momma and have some advice or comments would love to hear from you. If you’re thinking about CD’ing and have more questions definitely let me know, I’ll do my best to answer your questions honestly based on our experiences.

Changes & some good laughs...

Well we’ve definitely learned over the past few years that life can throw some pretty unexpected twists and turns our way, and shortly after my last blog post we received another. The company Nick works for is closing the site and consolidating at another location, and thus we may be relocating in the coming year. We’ve talked often about moving closer to our family in Iowa, and now that his company is moving further away we’re beginning to look at opportunities a bit closer to home in the surrounding states. Moving definitely wasn’t something we had planned for our lives in 2012 but it appears life may have other plans, and as we’ve learned before sometimes it’s the most unexpected things that can bring the most joy. Trying to be optimistic with so many unknowns can be relatively anxiety provoking. Ultimately though, I do believe change is what you make it, and at this point it’s too early to tell what lies ahead.

Ian has made the transition to his crib this past week and it’s been going well overall. He’s also been making other developmental strides. I was able to catch him rolling from tummy to back, and he’s started grabbing objects with his hands regularly. We received the go ahead to begin cereal and have started that as well. Initially he didn’t seem to like it at all, but in the past couple of days he’s started to get the hang of it and now seems to enjoy it. Our little man is seven months old today, and it blows my mind to think back to all that’s happened in the past couple of years.

Lastly, please stop by and give some words of encouragement to my IRL friend who is undergoing IVF cycle #3; it’s been a long uphill road for her and her husband and they can really use some support.

If you need a good laugh, I discovered this blog last week when she was featured in a story on the Huffington Post. This woman is freaking hysterical, and trust me, laugh you will.

New Beginnings and living green…

As we begin another year, I can’t help but look back at all the drastic changes that have occurred in our lives this past year. The difference a year makes continues to leave me in awe. This Christmas was incredible; sharing our family traditions with Ian and for the first time really seeing the Holiday season as a parent with a living child, it was beautiful. Then celebrating the new year for the first time with a baby and thinking back to where we were last year, very newly pregnant hoping for the best but feeling cautious and afraid of all that could go wrong. This New Year’s Eve was spent differently then we’ve ever celebrated before, in our PJ’s in the comfort of our home, and yes, sleeping before the stroke of midnight!

As someone who has lived through the tragedy and then breathtaking joy that life can bring, I am thankful to be beginning this new year on a celebratory note. I am holding so much hope for several of my friends both in real life and the blogosphere. Hope that 2012 brings inconceivable happiness to your lives and that you feel strengthened and renewed.

This blog, which started out simply to offer an outlet through infertility treatments, has led me through many unexpected journeys. As we begin the new year I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to expand my blog in other ways. Living a green and healthy lifestyle is something that’s exceedingly important to me and something I definitely want to instill in Ian, so I thought I’d begin including some of this in my blog as well. We’re already a family that recycles all we can and also cloth diapers, but I know there is likely much more we can do to be good stewards of this beautiful planet we call home and save at the same time. I’m planning to attempt making our own baby food in the future when we receive the go ahead from Ian’s pediatrician to begin introducing solids, so this will be one new escapade I’ll share as we embrace 2012 and all that lies ahead for our family.

FET anniversary, support, and thankfulness…

There are important dates in all of our lives that become etched into our memory, a point at which our lives changed sometimes for the better or, sadly, sometimes for the worse. It’s hard to believe all that’s happened in our lives in the past year; it seems like it’s been so much more than what one year could possibly hold. Tomorrow, December 2nd marks the one year anniversary of our FET. The date that Ian became a part of our lives. A day that was filled with hope and possibility. A point at which the risk of joy and what could be became a bigger part of our lives than the grief and loss that had come before. Sure, there was still a great amount of fear in our lives, but we were stepping out in faith and hoping that our dreams would become a reality. What an incredible ride we have been on this past year!

This Holiday season I am thankful for so many things. Thankful that we’ve been given the gift of parenthood, that every day we get to experience the world through our son’s eyes, and that this holiday season we’re experiencing one magical moment after the next with Ian.

In our day to day world life has been wonderful. Ian has adjusted beautifully to daycare and seems to really enjoy his time there. I love how close he is and have enjoyed being able to just walk next door and visit him during my work day. Ian also experienced his first road trip this past week as we made our way home to Iowa to spend the Holiday with our families. He handled it perfectly which is such a relief since we’ll be making the same trek at the end of this month.

I’m curious whether any of you who have struggled with infertility have been involved in or attended a RESOLVE support group? If so what were your experiences? For some time now I’ve had it on my heart to possibly start one in my area but have been uncertain of whether there would be enough interest. I’d appreciate your feedback so much!

I hope this Holiday season brings hope & courage to those who need it most, and that those who have had their dreams realized recognize the beauty of that and how incredibly blessed their lives are.