Hope, thankfulness, and remembering…

So we’ve officially made it to 28wks and are thrilled to have reached this milestone! Throughout this pregnancy both Nick & I have had this as our goal, and if we made it to this point we could start planning. So the fun has officially begun and it feels freaking fantastic! We made the leap and registered yesterday. While we were at one of the stores registering, we ran into one of my favorite nurses from our RE's office and it was one of those full circle moments that I wasn't sure I'd ever experience, and it was wonderful!

28wk bump pic

I had a routine OB appointment this past Wednesday and all continues to move forward smoothly. We’ve reached the point at which we’ll now be seeing our OB every 2 wks which is hard to believe. We have an appointment for an ultrasound and follow up with the MFM specialist on Tuesday morning and are really looking forward to that. I’m feeling this little guy move all the time and absolutely love it! Honestly, there are times when I feel a little guilty feeling so much joy when I know others are hurting, knowing that some of my other friends are struggling, but I also know that I need to enjoy these precious moments as there are no guarantees I’ll ever experience this again.

As of this past Friday, we’re only a month away from Lily’s first birthday, a day that is filled with mixed emotions and weight. Now, almost a year out from losing her, I can honestly say the pain is less heavy and our days are filled with more joy and hope and less sadness. We’re uncertain at this point of what we’re going to do on that day; we’ve both made the decision to take it off from work. At times I feel like there is so much pressure to do something so special for her, but I think ultimately being together as a family, remembering her, loving her, and being thankful for the love we have experienced in this past year that has allowed us to survive losing her, that is truly honoring her. I was baking this afternoon and listening to music when one of the songs from Lily's funeral came on my playlist and it was one of those times where I felt so incredibly thankful to be in this moment. It made me stop and think back to hearing that song at the end of her funeral (Hope Now by Addison Road), and at that time wondering if we really would have better days ahead, yet clinging to the faith that one day we would. And now here I am almost a year later filled with thankfulness for the life I am now carrying and the son we will soon meet and all of the miraculous things that have transpired over this past year to even allow this to occur. I’m thankful for the hope that carried us through the difficult early days, that brought us to this time and for God’s hand in bringing our donor family into our lives.

One of my dear IRL friends Tiffany could use loads of love and support tomorrow as she & her husband remember their son Julius’s 1st Birthday. He passed away from SIDS only 7 ½ months ago. If you have a moment tomorrow, please send her a little love, and in your own way remember her little boy. He has left an incredible legacy through his family who have ensured that others who experience similar losses are shown compassion and are not left alone. Tomorrow is a day when they need to feel that same compassion reflected back to them.

Thoughts for a friend and legislative advocacy….

My heart is heavy tonight for a dear friend. Augusta learned today that their baby stopped growing at some point between their 8wk ultrasound and now. She has been an incredible support to me in our journey and a friend I have held so much hope for in her long desired and awaited pregnancy. Please stop by, abide with her in this time of grief, and help her to feel surrounded by love and support.

It feels trivial to say much more than that at a time when a friend is dealing with such a loss, but since it is something that affects so many of us in the infertility community and holds so much importance, I wanted to mention The Family Act of 2011, S 965, which is new legislation that has been introduced recently in the US Senate. If passed, this would give people diagnosed with infertility a tax credit for the out-of-pocket expenses related to IVF treatments as well as medical procedures to preserve fertility for cancer patients. What can you do to help? Now that it is introduced, this legislation needs co-sponsors in the U.S. Senate.  We need EVERYONE who is facing infertility (and their friends and family) to contact their two U.S. Senators. Go to RESOLVE’s Action Alert System. PLEASE review the online letter and personalize it with your story.  You can add as much or as little information as you want in the body of the letter.  Help make a difference & ensure your voice is heard!

Looking back & forward...

Besides feeling wonderful about reaching 26wks in this pregnancy, this week also marks another milestone in our lives that I am immensely thankful to be experiencing. Tuesday marks our 8yr wedding anniversary! Celebrating our anniversary is also a time to reflect back on all that we’ve experienced together over the years. I’m thankful to honestly say that I continue to fall more in love with the man I am blessed to call my husband every day. Granted, these eight years have brought us many unexpected twists and turns, but through it all our relationship has only grown stronger. Through the difficulties of these past couple of years, I’m grateful to have had a husband who has been my rock, my constant, and my closest ally. I’m thankful that we took the time to build such a strong foundation in our marriage so that when the challenges came we were able to lean on each other and grow together. I was visiting with a patient this week who talked so fondly of his wife with whom he had shared 58years of marriage, and later that night I thought of how much I hope that Nick & I will have the opportunity to spend 50+ more years together.

We both are beginning to feel less cautious and more optimistic about this pregnancy and along with that the excitement of planning for this baby’s arrival. We’ve been saying for a while now that 28wks is our big milestone, the point at which we feel we can move forward with making more concrete preparations. Only two more weeks until we reach that point. The excitement building in our house is palpable!

26wk bump pic

Lastly for those of you who enjoy the comfort brought by a warm cup of tea I found out about this wonderful company Teamotions a couple weeks ago. I was greatly impressed by their incredible customer service & of course their delicious tea. A baby loss mother herself Rachel and her sister Crystal started the company after the loss of her twins and the emotional well being & solace they knew could be brought to both the body and soul by the warmth of a cup of tea.

Thankfulness...

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for this past week, so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to participate in Natasha’s Happy List Blog Hop.

First, I’m feeling immensely blessed to have reached 24wks, a.k.a. viability week. Although I know we still have a ways to go before we’re in a really safe/healthy gestation, this is a major milestone and another step towards us bringing our baby boy home, hopefully in August.

24wk bump

Of course the excitement of finding out we’re having a boy was a highlight this week, but mostly hearing the positive results of the fetal heart echo and ultrasound showing that he is perfectly healthy was the best part of the week!

Second, I’ve been so blessed with incredible friends and family. We received a beautiful bouquet of the most gorgeous Lily’s this past week from my parents in remembrance of Lily’s 10mth birthday. Also I got the best package in the mail this week from my dear friend Rachel; she handmade the most beautiful burp cloths for the baby and gave me some of her son’s cutest little outfits! It was SO much fun to look at all this stuff and place it in our son’s nursery…just love the sound of that sentence, don’t you?! I also received the diaper bag I fell in love with during my first pregnancy in the mail. I was able to score an incredible deal on Zulily when it was featured a couple of weeks ago, and I love it even more in person than I thought I would!

Another happy list blessing is a local cloth diaper store where I was able to participate in a swap and trade in a couple of my girly, never used cloth diaper covers for some adorable, more boy appropriate cloth covers! It was also nice to meet another local cloth diapering momma and wonderful to have the support and advice of the staff at this store; I’m excited to be visiting them again in the future!

I’m also so, so incredibly thankful for the safety of our dear friends in Alabama as terrifying storms ripped through the area this past week. We lived there for 4 ½ years, and our hearts are still very much there with our close friends. Thankfully, although many of them are still without power, they are all safe their homes intact, which is a tremendous blessing given the opposite fate that so many across Alabama met this past week.

Lastly, I’m thankful for this amazing community who support and encourage each other. As some of you may be aware, Sunday is International Babylost Mothers Day. I’m thankful that this IBMD I’m filled with hope for the future, and that in the past year I have been embraced by a sisterhood of women who have been with me through the worst moment of my life and have helped me to survive and come out stronger!

Surprise...

We had an appointment at the MFM Specialists for our fetal heart echo this morning and it was so amazing! Everything was so much clearer than our last ultrasound since the baby is bigger, and thankfully we only received positive news that baby is looking healthy. Baby’s heartbeat was measuring at 144bpm and current weight is 1lb 4ozs. And for the big surprise, we decided to find out the sex after all, and it was a good thing we were okay with finding out because as you can see from the below picture it was pretty obvious even to us that…

It's a BOY!!!!

Here are a couple more cute profile shots of our little man…

Thinking...

We’re relieved to know that all things continue to point to him being a healthy baby, and it was so wonderful to get all of that time this morning to see him and the little world he currently inhabits. Although we’re not out of the danger zone yet, I’m definitely feeling more and more reassurance that this time we are going to bring home a healthy baby. 

"Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility" ~Kate Douglas Wiggin

Pressing on...

On Friday I will be 22wks 6days pregnant, the day everything went tragically wrong during my pregnancy with Lily, and that upcoming day is weighing heavily over me. If we get past Friday, I will officially be the farthest into a pregnancy I’ve ever been. Overall, I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and visualizing myself with a healthy full term pregnancy, but the fear is looming with this big milestone approaching. I awoke early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, fear clinging to me. So I made the decision to make an appointment with my OB for reassurance, and I’m so thankful I did. I think my pregnancy hormones are a bit in overdrive at the moment, and I was a tearful mess, but the doctor was so reassuring and comforting. She was able to find a healthy strong heartbeat immediately, checked my cervix confirming it was closed, and offered the support I needed in that moment. She assured me that I can come in everyday if I need to and suggested I make another follow up appointment next week to offer further reassurance. She knows these next couple of weeks are challenging. Moving on, pressing forward, not only past the point I was with my last pregnancy, but also getting past the point of viability is an immense milestone.

Nick & I traveled home to visit family this past weekend and got to meet our newest nephew. I instantly fell in love with him and relished his precious baby cuddles. It renewed in me again how much I want this baby, how much I already love this child, and how right it feels to have a baby in my arms to love.

So for now I press on, attempting to move through the fear of my past and focus on the hope that my current reality represents and the love I feel for this baby that I am destined to mother. Thank you to those who continue to feed my soul with the encouragement I need to not only confront my fears, but to embrace the faith that the destiny of this child is one filled with life and love. Thank you for carrying me when I’ve needed it and for helping me to believe when the fear is looming.

Movement & Ergo deal…

Overall I’ve been feeling pretty good this past week. I’m still anxious about these next couple of weeks, but am focusing more on the positive moments I’ve been experiencing during this pregnancy and the hope that everything will continue forward smoothly. I’ve been feeling a lot more movement from baby in the past week, which has been so comforting. I never really felt movement with Lily, which could have been because of the placement of my placenta during that pregnancy, but it’s something I’ll always wonder about. Needless to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying the reassuring movements of baby recently. I’ve also hit a bit of a wall in terms of energy these past few days and am feeling more exhausted. All things considered though, feeling incredibly thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy and bonding with this precious baby. Already so unbelievably in love!

It’s interesting, since we’ve chosen not to find out the sex of the baby people are starting to throw out their guesses in terms of what they believe the baby to be. So far a majority of people are guessing boy, but I had my first dream the other night about the baby after he/she is born and in my dream it was a girl. I’ve been feeling a bit more uncertain as to if I’ll be able to hold out on finding out the sex, especially since we’ll have so many ultrasounds in the third trimester. We’ll see; we may change our minds, but for now he/she remains a mystery!

So excited about my recent Ergo baby carrier purchase! I’d been eyeing these for some time and there was an awesome deal on Ergo carriers this weekend at The Foundary, so I was able to pick up the one I’ve been wanting and for a great deal! I saw a couple carrying their baby in an Ergo at Target while getting groceries a couple of weeks ago and am so looking forward to the day when we’re running errands or walking around the neighborhood with our little one tucked in the Ergo. The thought of it makes me smile:)

If you haven’t already, stop by Krissi’s blog to participate in a graduate study on the psychological and emotional affects of infertility. It’s a great way to help others understand how to better help those struggling with infertility and another way we can ensure our voices are heard!

Here I go, taking lots of deep breaths and thinking hopeful, centering thoughts through this next month.