Looking back & forward...

Besides feeling wonderful about reaching 26wks in this pregnancy, this week also marks another milestone in our lives that I am immensely thankful to be experiencing. Tuesday marks our 8yr wedding anniversary! Celebrating our anniversary is also a time to reflect back on all that we’ve experienced together over the years. I’m thankful to honestly say that I continue to fall more in love with the man I am blessed to call my husband every day. Granted, these eight years have brought us many unexpected twists and turns, but through it all our relationship has only grown stronger. Through the difficulties of these past couple of years, I’m grateful to have had a husband who has been my rock, my constant, and my closest ally. I’m thankful that we took the time to build such a strong foundation in our marriage so that when the challenges came we were able to lean on each other and grow together. I was visiting with a patient this week who talked so fondly of his wife with whom he had shared 58years of marriage, and later that night I thought of how much I hope that Nick & I will have the opportunity to spend 50+ more years together.

We both are beginning to feel less cautious and more optimistic about this pregnancy and along with that the excitement of planning for this baby’s arrival. We’ve been saying for a while now that 28wks is our big milestone, the point at which we feel we can move forward with making more concrete preparations. Only two more weeks until we reach that point. The excitement building in our house is palpable!

26wk bump pic

Lastly for those of you who enjoy the comfort brought by a warm cup of tea I found out about this wonderful company Teamotions a couple weeks ago. I was greatly impressed by their incredible customer service & of course their delicious tea. A baby loss mother herself Rachel and her sister Crystal started the company after the loss of her twins and the emotional well being & solace they knew could be brought to both the body and soul by the warmth of a cup of tea.

Thankfulness...

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for this past week, so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to participate in Natasha’s Happy List Blog Hop.

First, I’m feeling immensely blessed to have reached 24wks, a.k.a. viability week. Although I know we still have a ways to go before we’re in a really safe/healthy gestation, this is a major milestone and another step towards us bringing our baby boy home, hopefully in August.

24wk bump

Of course the excitement of finding out we’re having a boy was a highlight this week, but mostly hearing the positive results of the fetal heart echo and ultrasound showing that he is perfectly healthy was the best part of the week!

Second, I’ve been so blessed with incredible friends and family. We received a beautiful bouquet of the most gorgeous Lily’s this past week from my parents in remembrance of Lily’s 10mth birthday. Also I got the best package in the mail this week from my dear friend Rachel; she handmade the most beautiful burp cloths for the baby and gave me some of her son’s cutest little outfits! It was SO much fun to look at all this stuff and place it in our son’s nursery…just love the sound of that sentence, don’t you?! I also received the diaper bag I fell in love with during my first pregnancy in the mail. I was able to score an incredible deal on Zulily when it was featured a couple of weeks ago, and I love it even more in person than I thought I would!

Another happy list blessing is a local cloth diaper store where I was able to participate in a swap and trade in a couple of my girly, never used cloth diaper covers for some adorable, more boy appropriate cloth covers! It was also nice to meet another local cloth diapering momma and wonderful to have the support and advice of the staff at this store; I’m excited to be visiting them again in the future!

I’m also so, so incredibly thankful for the safety of our dear friends in Alabama as terrifying storms ripped through the area this past week. We lived there for 4 ½ years, and our hearts are still very much there with our close friends. Thankfully, although many of them are still without power, they are all safe their homes intact, which is a tremendous blessing given the opposite fate that so many across Alabama met this past week.

Lastly, I’m thankful for this amazing community who support and encourage each other. As some of you may be aware, Sunday is International Babylost Mothers Day. I’m thankful that this IBMD I’m filled with hope for the future, and that in the past year I have been embraced by a sisterhood of women who have been with me through the worst moment of my life and have helped me to survive and come out stronger!

Surprise...

We had an appointment at the MFM Specialists for our fetal heart echo this morning and it was so amazing! Everything was so much clearer than our last ultrasound since the baby is bigger, and thankfully we only received positive news that baby is looking healthy. Baby’s heartbeat was measuring at 144bpm and current weight is 1lb 4ozs. And for the big surprise, we decided to find out the sex after all, and it was a good thing we were okay with finding out because as you can see from the below picture it was pretty obvious even to us that…

It's a BOY!!!!

Here are a couple more cute profile shots of our little man…

Thinking...

We’re relieved to know that all things continue to point to him being a healthy baby, and it was so wonderful to get all of that time this morning to see him and the little world he currently inhabits. Although we’re not out of the danger zone yet, I’m definitely feeling more and more reassurance that this time we are going to bring home a healthy baby. 

"Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility" ~Kate Douglas Wiggin

Pressing on...

On Friday I will be 22wks 6days pregnant, the day everything went tragically wrong during my pregnancy with Lily, and that upcoming day is weighing heavily over me. If we get past Friday, I will officially be the farthest into a pregnancy I’ve ever been. Overall, I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and visualizing myself with a healthy full term pregnancy, but the fear is looming with this big milestone approaching. I awoke early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, fear clinging to me. So I made the decision to make an appointment with my OB for reassurance, and I’m so thankful I did. I think my pregnancy hormones are a bit in overdrive at the moment, and I was a tearful mess, but the doctor was so reassuring and comforting. She was able to find a healthy strong heartbeat immediately, checked my cervix confirming it was closed, and offered the support I needed in that moment. She assured me that I can come in everyday if I need to and suggested I make another follow up appointment next week to offer further reassurance. She knows these next couple of weeks are challenging. Moving on, pressing forward, not only past the point I was with my last pregnancy, but also getting past the point of viability is an immense milestone.

Nick & I traveled home to visit family this past weekend and got to meet our newest nephew. I instantly fell in love with him and relished his precious baby cuddles. It renewed in me again how much I want this baby, how much I already love this child, and how right it feels to have a baby in my arms to love.

So for now I press on, attempting to move through the fear of my past and focus on the hope that my current reality represents and the love I feel for this baby that I am destined to mother. Thank you to those who continue to feed my soul with the encouragement I need to not only confront my fears, but to embrace the faith that the destiny of this child is one filled with life and love. Thank you for carrying me when I’ve needed it and for helping me to believe when the fear is looming.

Movement & Ergo deal…

Overall I’ve been feeling pretty good this past week. I’m still anxious about these next couple of weeks, but am focusing more on the positive moments I’ve been experiencing during this pregnancy and the hope that everything will continue forward smoothly. I’ve been feeling a lot more movement from baby in the past week, which has been so comforting. I never really felt movement with Lily, which could have been because of the placement of my placenta during that pregnancy, but it’s something I’ll always wonder about. Needless to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying the reassuring movements of baby recently. I’ve also hit a bit of a wall in terms of energy these past few days and am feeling more exhausted. All things considered though, feeling incredibly thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy and bonding with this precious baby. Already so unbelievably in love!

It’s interesting, since we’ve chosen not to find out the sex of the baby people are starting to throw out their guesses in terms of what they believe the baby to be. So far a majority of people are guessing boy, but I had my first dream the other night about the baby after he/she is born and in my dream it was a girl. I’ve been feeling a bit more uncertain as to if I’ll be able to hold out on finding out the sex, especially since we’ll have so many ultrasounds in the third trimester. We’ll see; we may change our minds, but for now he/she remains a mystery!

So excited about my recent Ergo baby carrier purchase! I’d been eyeing these for some time and there was an awesome deal on Ergo carriers this weekend at The Foundary, so I was able to pick up the one I’ve been wanting and for a great deal! I saw a couple carrying their baby in an Ergo at Target while getting groceries a couple of weeks ago and am so looking forward to the day when we’re running errands or walking around the neighborhood with our little one tucked in the Ergo. The thought of it makes me smile:)

If you haven’t already, stop by Krissi’s blog to participate in a graduate study on the psychological and emotional affects of infertility. It’s a great way to help others understand how to better help those struggling with infertility and another way we can ensure our voices are heard!

Here I go, taking lots of deep breaths and thinking hopeful, centering thoughts through this next month.

Drama free & advocacy...

The OB appointment was blessedly uneventful today; definitely love those types of appointments! The baby’s heartbeat was measuring 147bpm. She also told us the PENTA screening results all came back normal so baby is looking perfectly healthy! I’ve been feeling more movement which is also exciting and something I didn’t feel at this stage with Lily, so that gives me more reassurance as well.

Next on our agenda we’ll have the heart echo appointment for the baby at the perinatologist’s office on April 25th, then our next appointment with the OB is scheduled for May 2nd! Hopefully we’ve got a nice boring drama free month ahead of us. Thank you all for the encouragement & being there for me in my moments of fear and doubt. I'm so incredibly thankful for the support you all provide & know this journey would be so much harder if I didn't have you all to walk beside me!

Good news in the advocacy arena as well. The pharmaceutical company that announced about a month ago they would be selling Makena at an absurdly greedy amount has announced that, due to the intense amount of pressure they received and the fact that the FDA will still allow pharmacies to compound the drug, they are now reducing the cost of the medication! This explains why I was able to fill my compounded prescription without incidence this past weekend. Here is a link to an article with the all the details. Thank you to all who wrote letters and advocated for this change to occur. It’s encouraging & inspiring to know that we can all still make a difference if we raise our voices loud enough!

Feeling the fear...

I’ve officially hit 20wks as of today, and I cannot help but wish these next couple of months would fly by so that I can breathe easier knowing the baby is well past viability and into a safer gestation if something were to go wrong. These past few days have been harder than I expected. As this pregnancy nears the time when we lost Lily, I’m feeling more anxious about something going wrong. We’ve been using our home doppler a bit more to help ease some of the anxiety, but it is absolutely terrifying to think about the possibility of experiencing another loss. Some days I just wish I could stay in bed and sleep through the next couple of months. I’m trying my best to keep moving forward, hoping that things will be different this time, but the fear is always there.

In more positive news, I picked up a refill of my weekly progesterone (P17) injections today at the pharmacy and they were still able to compound them for me, so it was just the usual $30 co-pay. Very relieved for that! I also made my first purchase for the baby while there…I saw this adorable little puppy and couldn’t resist. Trying to hold more to hope than fear I took the leap and bought it hoping our baby is able to enjoy it someday soon.

Next OB appointment is scheduled for Monday afternoon so hopefully that will bring more reassurance.