FET anniversary, support, and thankfulness…

There are important dates in all of our lives that become etched into our memory, a point at which our lives changed sometimes for the better or, sadly, sometimes for the worse. It’s hard to believe all that’s happened in our lives in the past year; it seems like it’s been so much more than what one year could possibly hold. Tomorrow, December 2nd marks the one year anniversary of our FET. The date that Ian became a part of our lives. A day that was filled with hope and possibility. A point at which the risk of joy and what could be became a bigger part of our lives than the grief and loss that had come before. Sure, there was still a great amount of fear in our lives, but we were stepping out in faith and hoping that our dreams would become a reality. What an incredible ride we have been on this past year!

This Holiday season I am thankful for so many things. Thankful that we’ve been given the gift of parenthood, that every day we get to experience the world through our son’s eyes, and that this holiday season we’re experiencing one magical moment after the next with Ian.

In our day to day world life has been wonderful. Ian has adjusted beautifully to daycare and seems to really enjoy his time there. I love how close he is and have enjoyed being able to just walk next door and visit him during my work day. Ian also experienced his first road trip this past week as we made our way home to Iowa to spend the Holiday with our families. He handled it perfectly which is such a relief since we’ll be making the same trek at the end of this month.

I’m curious whether any of you who have struggled with infertility have been involved in or attended a RESOLVE support group? If so what were your experiences? For some time now I’ve had it on my heart to possibly start one in my area but have been uncertain of whether there would be enough interest. I’d appreciate your feedback so much!

I hope this Holiday season brings hope & courage to those who need it most, and that those who have had their dreams realized recognize the beauty of that and how incredibly blessed their lives are.

These are the days…

I am officially a neglectful blogger. I didn’t intend to be “that girl,” but unfortunately time just passes by so quickly these days, and a certain someone wants to be held a majority of the time when I’m home thus leaving little time for blogging. I’ve been keeping up with most of your blogs though as reading blogs definitely doesn’t require two hands!

So while it seems each month goes faster and faster these days, we’ve had lots of good news to report. I’d say the milestone we’re all most excited about is that Ian is officially off oxygen!!! He’s been off O2 for a week and a half and is doing amazing. Life is so much easier for all of us now that we don’t also need to tote around an O2 tank everywhere baby goes. We also attended our first church service as a family this past Sunday and it was so nice to be able to introduce Ian to some of the people that have supported us these past few months with their prayers and love. Plus, who doesn’t love showing off their adorable baby?! He also continues to be doing great with breast feeding, and it’s funny to watch him when he takes an occasional bottle. He thinks he needs to suck fast for a letdown and instead ends up with a mouthful of milk running down his face. It’s too funny!

Our next hurdle to cross involves Ian beginning to attend a daycare the three days a week I work. While I know he’ll be in good hands and he’s going to be right next door to me at the child development center for the hospital where I work, it’s still a huge change for him which equals anxiety for me. Prior to this we’d had someone coming into the home to care for him, long story short that didn’t work out due to her cervical cancer diagnosis and they finally had an opening for him at the center. So for the first time he’ll be out of his home environment all day and around other small children. I know in the long run this will likely be a good and healthy development for him; he’ll learn to adapt to change and he’ll get to socialize with other children, but the initial adjustment scares me. I just worry about how he’ll handle all these changes and hope it’s not too difficult for him. Normal feelings I suppose.

All in all these days life has been filled with thankful moments. It’s the little things like enjoying a rainy afternoon with not just a good book and a warm cup of tea but a sleeping cuddly baby in my arms; the sweet smiles & coos that are given in return for gazing into those beautiful blue eyes. Watching him grow and thrive in front of our eyes has been so amazing. There are also the imperfect moments, when he fights sleep crying against what his little body needs, when I’m also feeling the throws of exhaustion and trying to balance his needs and my own. Ultimately though, as life so distinctly tends to brings us balance, the difficult moments give us perspective on those perfect moments we also get to experience. The joy is that much sweeter, the love that much deeper, and the gratitude that much fuller when you have struggled through the hardships of knowing how much life really can change in an instant and how precious this imperfect life we are blessed enough to live each day can be.

Breastfeeding & the difference a year makes…

This momma is SO thrilled to report that after 3 ½ months of exclusively pumping, Ian has finally taken to breastfeeding over the past couple of days. It is so much nicer for both of us. He seems much more content after eating, and for me it’s much more fulfilling to be able to feed my baby directly instead of relying only on the pump. Granted I’ll still need to pump for the three days a week I work but even cutting pumping down in half would be a huge improvement. We’ll see how the next few days go, but we’re hoping this change will make things a bit smoother for us & Ian.

We’re slowly taking Ian out a bit more; last weekend we made a trip to our local pumpkin patch for Ian’s first trip out of the house other than doctors appointments, and it was lovely! We’ve also enjoyed visits from grandparents recently. Nick’s parents came a couple of weeks ago and were a huge help, and then my mom came and stayed for a week and a half and was a lifesaver. It was so helpful to have an extra set of hands around the house, especially as we adjusted to my return to working.

Ian is almost completely off oxygen! He spent his first full day off O2 yesterday and it went great; we were even able to take him to a neighborhood get together. I kept him in the Ergo the whole time which he appeared to love as he slept the entire time we were there. At this point he doesn’t need oxygen when he’s awake and needs just the smallest amount (1/32nd of a liter) when in a deep sleep. At this rate we’re thinking he’ll be off oxygen completely in the next week or two! We found yesterday with him off of it all day that life is much easier since we can now carry him around the house without lugging around a heavy O2 tank.

While at the annual neighborhood get together last night I was talking to another new mother and she mentioned how she was struck by how much had changed since this time last year when she was newly pregnant. I in turn was hit by the memory of where I was at this time last year. I was still deeply grieving the loss of Lily which had occurred just three months earlier and wondering how and when if ever I’d be a mother to a living child. And there I stood feeling such joy, profound thankfulness, and a tinge of sadness for those who are still asking themselves those same questions I was a year ago. What a difference a year has made in our lives.

Lastly, I’d ask that you think of my dear friends Tiffany & Dennis as they remember & honor their son Julius on the one year anniversary of his death this Wednesday, October 12th. Say a prayer, light a candle, donate towards Julius’s memorial fund if you’re able, and be grateful for the child you hold not just in your heart but in your arms.

Back to work & sleep...

So I’ve been back at work for a couple of weeks now and honestly it’s been going much smoother than I expected. I’m working part time and it really feels like the perfect balance for us. I’ve found that since going back I realize I really do love my job for the most part of course, all jobs have their pros and cons. That being said though, I truly love the people I work with and feel a great deal of fulfillment in the work that I do.

Pumping while working has also been going much smoother than I expected. Thankfully, working in a hospital they’re pretty supportive of pumping and offer a lactation room to help make things a bit easier. In a way, it’s really been nice in that it forces me to stop even in the craziest of days and take a bit of a break and also forces me to leave work on time which is also a plus. Another plus is that I’m already back to my pre pregnancy weight thanks to the awesome calorie burning pumping gives, even though I’ve been a complete sweet fiend all the sudden! On the down side, I really miss caffeine and cannot wait for the day that I can guzzle down as much warm delicious caffeinated coffee or tea as I want. I’ve been allowing myself one caffeinated beverage a day to get through which has worked for now, but I really look forward to not being restricted in terms of my much loved drug of choice.

Now on to our challenge at the moment: sleep, or the lack thereof. I realize since Ian is a preemie we are dealing with a baby whose adjusted age is only about a month old, but when you’re balancing work and baby that type of sleep schedule can be rough. He typically feeds every 3-4hrs at night at which time Nick bottles him and I also pump, then of course he decides he doesn’t always want to go to sleep. Also, frequently at night even when he does fall asleep it’s a very fitful sleep in which he easily wakes up and fusses. Another bad parenting habit we’ve started is allowing him to sleep in our bed. Honestly, it started out of desperation in the throws of major sleep deprivation, and now he’s decided it’s the only place he likes to sleep. For now we’re doing the co-sleeping thing because well we’re desperate for some sleep during the night, but as he gets bigger we definitely want to try and get him sleeping on his own. Also, since he’s still on the apnea monitor and O2 we’re able to sleep a bit easier knowing we’d be alerted if he stops breathing. After reading a bit more on high need infant’s sleep habits on Dr. Sears’ site, I’m feeling that Ian’s habits are a bit more normal for an infant like him which makes me feel a little less guilty since it seems this is just what he needs right now. For those of you who aren’t familiar with his story, Dr. Sears & his wife had three babies who were all easy sleepers and then their fourth child changed their views on many of their previous parenting beliefs as she was a high needs baby requiring them to change the methods in which they cared for her.

Ian continues to be on a very small amount of oxygen (1/16th of a liter/min). We had hoped he’d be off of it by now, but he still needs that tiny little bit when sleeping. Hopefully within the next 2-4wks he’ll be off of it completely, but only time will tell. We’re strongly considering paying privately for a little while to keep the apnea monitor once our pediatrician feels it’s no longer needed which will probably be at his appointment this coming week since he’s had no apnea spells for the past month and a half or so. We’re too worried about SIDS and the apnea monitor helps to alleviate our fears a bit. Ian continues to grow great; he’s probably over 9 ½ lbs at this point assuming he’s continuing to gain as he did for his last appointment. Soon little man will officially be in the double digits!

And of course had to include a couple recent pictures of Ian…

I took this adorable video this morning & was able to catch him smiling...too freaking cute!!!

Cloth diapering...

For those of you who are interested in cloth diapering but are uncertain, I thought you might like to hear about our experience to date. During my pregnancy when I mentioned to someone that we were planning to cloth diaper, I almost always got a response somewhere along the lines of “ha, ha we’ll see how that goes once you have the baby”! Well I’m happy to report that as I expected it’s going great, and to be honest it has been easier then I even expected it to be! Granted I know cloth diapering isn’t for everyone, but for our family it was definitely the right choice. One of the reasons we chose to cloth diaper was for the cost savings. Consumer Reports estimates that parents can save $1,500 to $2,000 by using cloth diapers instead of disposables—and cloth diaper retailer Jillian’s Drawers estimates that parents can save approximately $4,000 by using the same cloth diapers for two kids. Another major reason I wanted to cloth diaper was for the environmental benefits. Disposable diapers are estimated to take 250-500 years to decompose, and they’re the third largest single consumer item in landfills and represent about 4% of solid waste. In households with just one diaper-age child, disposables make up as much as 50% of total household waste, according to a 2003 study by the Women’s Environmental Network (via the Real Diaper Association). In addition, it takes around one cup of crude oil to make a disposable diaper. I’m a bit of a tree hugger so this is honestly one of the major reasons cloth diapering appeals to me so much, but it was easier to get the husband on board using the cost savings argument.

So those are just a couple of the benefits; there are many more but in the essence of saving time…on to what we’ve tried and how it’s worked for us. I decided for the newborn period I wanted to do a diaper rental as this seemed more economical for me since he wouldn’t be able to fit into the diapers for very long. I decided on one of Nell’s Natural Baby rentals. The rental we chose includes 24 size 0 Kissaluvs fitteds and 3 Size 1 Thirsties Duo Covers. You get all of this for three months for $100 and if you want to continue the rental longer it’s just an additional $33/mth! The Kissaluvs will fit babies from 5-15lbs. So far we’ve really liked these diapers. They fit Ian great and are very easy to use, even Dad admits they’re easier then he expected! And of course they’re super cute!

I had also purchased some Flip diapers previously and have started using those when the laundry starts to get low. These have also worked really well, they’re a little bulkier right now because he’s so small but the great thing about them is they are a one size diaper meaning they’ll grow with Ian until he’s out of diapers! We use the stay dry inserts, and wow, do they live up to their name and they’re so soft. And to round out our diaper stash at this stage I’ve got a couple different all in one’s (AIO’s). We’ve tried the Bumgenius AIO which is so incredibly soft and also works wonders, and you cannot get any easier; these are basically the same design as disposables and just as simple to use. I also won a Kissaluvs newborn AIO and love this diaper as well. It fits great and is a bit trimmer than the other diapers while also working just as well.

In terms of washing my cloth, I typically end up doing laundry every 2-3 days. If you’re new to cloth, an important part of caring for your cloth diapers and ensuring they last is using a safe detergent that won’t harm them. One of the best resources for choosing a laundry detergent for your cloth is this awesome list put together by Pinstripes and Polkadots that details all the different types of detergent and which ones are safe to use. I chose a detergent I’m able to easily get at my local grocery store called Planet. You only need a very small amount for each load. The washing cycle I’ve been using that has worked well so far is to do a cold rinse cycle first, then a hot wash cycle with the detergent, and then another cold rinse cycle to ensure all the soap is out of the diapers. I hang my covers to dry and then dry the diapers on the high setting in the dryer. I also use these wool dryer balls in each of my drying loads to decrease drying time and also soften the diapers.

Another little tidbit on safe products for your cloth diapers includes diaper rash creams. It’s important to be sure the cream you choose is cloth diaper friendly. We use California Baby diaper rash cream & love it! It smells so good! Ian hasn’t had any rashes since using cloth diapers, we simply use this as a preventative measure about once a day.

I also use cloth wipes the majority of the time. I have a great cloth wipe warmer that has been working awesome for us. I use the following wipe solution recipe: mix 2 Tablespoons baby wash (natural type is recommended, I use Johnsons Natural baby wash), 2 Tablespoons olive oil, and 2 cups of water. I roll each wipe, then dip them in the mixed solution and add to the warmer. They are so soft and warm & are awesome at cleaning up a dirty bum, they work much better then the disposable wipes that we occasionally use!

Now on to the question everyone always asks…what about the poop? Well, another great product out there to make cloth diapering easier are flushable diaper liners. You just place these in the diaper and when changing baby this catches the poop and you’re able to just throw the liner and poop straight into the toilet. With breastfed babies, the dirty diapers can just go straight into the diaper pail and into the laundry since its completely water soluble. We’ve tried a couple different types of flushable liners so far and both have worked well at keeping some of his poop off the diapers, but since he is drinking breast milk his stool is pretty loose and there is a certain amount that still gets on the diapers themselves. While the diapers do start to get stains from poop over time there is a simple, free solution to clearing those stains right up…the sun! That’s right, you just simple lay the stained diapers in the sun and they’ll look brand new after about 30 minutes. If you’re like me and aren’t allowed to hang your laundry out to dry in your neighborhood, you can simply lay them in a window that gets direct sunlight and the sun will still work it’s magic in making your diapers look brand new after a couple hours!

Well I think that about wraps it up for now in terms of our cloth diapering escapades so far, but I’ll definitely be updating now and then on how this is going and new products we’ve tried. There are so many different types of diapers I’d still like to try and add to our stash! Also, if you have any cloth diapering questions you’d like to ask me feel free to comment and I’ll be sure to answer them in my next post on cloth diapering. Also those of you who cloth diaper, what are your favorite diapers and CD friendly products?

And just because they're so stinking cute here are a few pics of Ian wearing some of his first cloth diapers….

And one more cute little pic I had to share, Ian lounging in the Ergo carrier with me...LOVE it!

Countdown time...

I must again apologize for being so absent from blogging as of late. Life with our Ian at home has been wonderful and very full! Hard to believe that he’s already 8 1/2wks old! We’re definitely getting into a routine and feel like we’re getting to know our little boy more every day as he grows and little pieces of his personality begin to show through. He loves cuddle time with Momma and has been a bit more demanding that this occur on a frequent basis as of late, which of course I’m more than happy to oblige! It will make life much easier once he’s off his oxygen so that I can at least carry him or wear him in the Moby throughout the house instead of us both being sequestered to the one room! As of our doctor’s appointment last week Ian was up to 7lbs 2.5oz! Nick & I are quite the team and he is such a support to me with the whole pumping/bottling routine which makes everything so much easier at home. He continues to get up with us during the night and helps feed Ian so that I can pump and we can both get back to sleep sooner which makes a tremendous difference!

Time has definitely been flying by, and with that the time for me to return to work is drawing nearer. September 13^th to be exact, and thus the countdown to my 12wks of maternity leave ending is looming heavily. I honestly feel incredibly thankful that when I do return it will be part time working three days a week (Monday-Wednesday) which I’m hopeful will make the transition for all of us a bit easier. I’m planning to make a valiant attempt at continuing to  pump once I return to work but have to admit I’m a bit nervous about how I’ll work this into my already intense work day schedule. I’ll obviously be cutting down on the amount I’m currently pumping and am planning to just pump once in the middle of the work day but have a feeling even this may be challenging some days with my case load. I’ve already purchased extra pump supplies so that I won’t have to worry with cleaning up until evening and plan to pump right before leaving for work in the morning to hopefully get me through until mid-day. For those ladies who have pumped after returning to work, I’d love any advice and recommendations you’ve got to help me make this a successful transition.

I’m planning a cloth diapering post in the near future to share all that we’ve learned so far. We’re absolutely loving our cloth diapers and have found them to be so much easier than expected and definitely worth the small amount of additional work. A post about all of that is definitely on my agenda to finish soon!

We continue to be amazed at all the love that brought Ian into this world and the incredible amount of love that he’s received during these past two months. It’s mind blowing to look at all the lives he’s touched and the impact he’s already making in his small little corner of the world. I pray daily that we’re guided in our walk as Ian’s  parents, and we continue to be humbled and grateful that we were chosen to be a part of this amazing little boys life. 

Home at last....

I know I’ve been terribly neglectful of this blog in the past month, but being there for Ian has been my main priority and has left very little time for much else. I’m thrilled to report that after 5wks 4 days in the hospital, he was dismissed on Saturday. The first couple of days at home were a bit rough as he continues to be on oxygen and an apnea monitor. Feedings were also a bit of a challenge initially, but thankfully each day has seen improvements, and it feels like we’re definitely getting into a routine as a family.

Yesterday Nick & I were looking back at some of the pictures and videos we took from the beginning of his stay in the NICU, and it really hit home how far the little guy has come. I actually had to stop looking at the videos from those first couple of weeks as it was too painful to look back at how sick he was and how much he was hurting during that time.

Sleep has definitely become something of the past; to a certain extent I expected this, but the challenges of an extended NICU stay and preemie feeding habits have compounded this a bit. As with many things throughout this journey I’ve learned that things don’t always go as you plan. We learned while he was in the NICU that if we wanted to bring him home earlier we needed to focus on bottle feeding as it would take him significantly longer to catch on to breastfeeding. I had always planned to breastfeed but found that in terms of his returning home it wasn’t the priority I had previously thought it to be. It was still extremely important to us that he be fed breast milk though so that he receives the antibodies that can give him an advantage against illness and an edge in terms of growth. Hence our busy cyclical schedule of bottle feeding baby, pumping, washing his feeding and my pumping supplies and, at least during the night, hopefully getting 1 ½ -2hrs of sleep in between. Nick & I had to laugh last night when we were so excited thinking that a stretch of 2hrs of sleep sounded incredible…oh how your perspective changes!

All in all life is pretty great right now, and I can’t help but think that all of the heartache and pain we went through to get to this moment strengthened us and gave us such a incredible thankfulness for Ian’s life and the blessing of being his parents. Of course it’s always easier to see the light after the storm, but I know with certainty that I cannot imagine not being the mother to this amazing little man. I saw this quote the other day and thought it holds so much truth. “The deeper the sorrow that carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Joy and sorrow are inseparable.” ~Kahlil Gibran