Memories to hold on to....

Words can’t properly express how much all of your messages of love & support as well as your prayers have meant to us in the past couple of days. I will write more later this week when things settle down a bit, but I just wanted you all to know how incredibly supported we have felt. We have truly been in awe of the outpouring of love that has flooded us since Lillian’s death & how incredibly amazing people have been in showing us such compassion & kindness. 

We met with the funeral home this morning to make arrangements. Our pastor came over to the house this afternoon & we had such a wonderful meeting with him. We had already made a lot of the plans for the funeral together & he was so supportive & encouraging of everything we came up with. I'll probably post on Saturday about all the details, I think it's going to be an incredibly special service. We're having a small private family service on Friday; we're really content with all the decisions we made regarding her arrangements & feel confident they were the right decisions for us. Both of us this evening have felt such an incredible sense of peace & know that part of this is due to feeling surrounded by the love of those both near & far. 

Lastly, I wanted to leave you all with a few more of the precious memories that were given to us by Erin with Baby Bloom Photography, who donated her time & amazing talent. 

Unimaginable Loss

On Sunday, June 27th, at just 22 weeks & 6 days I went into premature labor; Lillian Grace was born at 6:17pm weighing 1 lb 1/2 oz. She left this world as quickly as she came.

We are in a place that is difficult to describe right now, it is a somewhat surreal place…it’s really hard to comprehend all that has taken place in the last 24 hrs. We know that we are surrounded by love & support and cannot say enough how much all of your messages of compassion have meant to us. We can quite certainly feel that the love of those who care about us is holding us up & maintaining our strength. Although it is difficult I would like to share Lillian’s birth story with you all. It is important for me to write this not just for myself, but because she deserves to have her story told.

As I was driving back from a weekend in Kansas City to Wichita I began to feel some lower back pain, it didn’t worry me too much initially because as most of you know back pain is a normal part of pregnancy. I soon started to feel concerned when the back pain began to come & go in waves; I decided to stop at the next rest area, thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom I would feel better. When I went into the restroom I saw that I had begun to bleed. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was traveling alone, in the middle of no where in Kansas & completely unaware of the nearest hospital. I quickly got back into the car, tried to pull up information on the closest hospital in my GPS & called my husband. Unsure of what to do I got back onto the interstate & began driving towards Emporia, which was about 30 miles away & my closest hope for a hospital. I don’t think I’ve every prayed so hard in my life & thankfully after about 10 minutes into the drive I spotted a Sheriff & Patrol officer in the middle of the interstate. I quickly pulled over to where they were sitting & told them what was happening. They called an ambulance & from there I was transported to Emporia Hospital. I was promptly hooked up to an IV & given oxygen, at this point it was becoming obvious that the back pain I was feeling was indeed my worst nightmare… contractions. En route to that hospital my water broke. At this point I knew that in all likelihood the worst possible case scenario was going to happen & felt the most horrific sense of hopelessness & loss of control I have ever experienced.

Nick was able to make it to Emporia to be with me shortly after my arrival there. After being evaluated at this hospital they quickly determined I needed to be transported to Wesley Medical Center in our hometown of Wichita due to the severe prematurity of the labor. The doctor at that hospital was able to pick up a heartbeat on the baby & started me on antibiotics in the hope they could stop labor. She explained that if I was able to make it to 24 wks (which is considered viability) then they would start me on steroids to try & help baby develop quicker, but if my contractions returned they would not stop them. She also discussed the grim reality that 90% of the time once your membrane ruptures you will deliver within 10 days (most much earlier) & even if we got another week before her birth Lillian’s chances of survival, especially her quality of life would be bleak.

I was then placed into another ambulance & had to endure the 70 minute drive to Wichita. I was blessed to have an incredibly kind & compassionate EMT with me along the way, it was by far the most difficult ride of my life. The contractions began to get worse & all I could do was continue to pray that God let us get to the hospital before the baby was born. By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions were 2 minutes apart. After about 20 minutes the doctor evaluated me & found that the baby was already in the birth canal & that when I was ready I could deliver her. With an incredible staff of caring people by my side & my amazing husband holding my hand Lillian Grace was born into this world. Her heart beat for just a few minutes & then as quickly as she came she left us. Giving birth to a baby I knew wouldn’t survive took every ounce of my strength and was the most devastating moment in my life.

There was concern I may need to go into surgery initially as the placenta was taking a little longer to be expelled. Thankfully after about 30 minutes I was able to deliver the placenta. We were given several hours with our little girl to hold her & talk to her. In the most awful moments of our lives we were blessed to meet Erin of Baby Bloom Photography; she is a photographer who works with families in our situation. She did the most beautiful photo shoot with Lillian & us and will be getting those pictures to us in the next couple of days. The nursing staff took her footprints & made us the most beautiful casting of her feet & a hand. We were given a beautiful keepsake box with a few mementos to remember her by; two are tiny little silver rings that they placed on her toes & fingers for pictures. Erin told us many parents have these placed onto a necklace so that you have a piece of her with you; we will likely plan to do this.

I cannot properly put into words the amount of compassion we were shown by all of the professionals who treated Lillian & myself during the past day. It was a terribly sad situation & each one of the amazing people that came into contact with us at the hospitals & along the way treated us with the utmost kindness. The doctors are unsure of why I went into premature labor at this time; in all likelihood they said that situations like this typically are a result of an infection that we did not know about but a lot of the time the reason is unknown.

We are in the process of planning her funeral arrangements & I’ll be posting more details in the near future. We have already made the decision for her to be cremated as we don’t know where we will be living long term & we believe we may in the future sprinkle some of her ashes in a meaningful place. We will be meeting with our pastor & the funeral home tomorrow to make some of the arrangements. We appreciate all of the message of love & support that have flooded us in the past 24 hrs; I cannot properly express how much you all mean to us. Please continue to keep us close in prayer, we now embark on a new journey & pray that God continues to grant us the strength to get through what the future holds for us.

Trying to focus on the now...

Why is it that in our society we focus so much on the future & have difficulty really being in the moment? I’ll admit I struggle with this & have been trying to focus myself more on the here & now. I am so immensely thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy & I am trying to soak in the joy of each milestone. It’s such a great feeling to now be recognized by strangers as pregnant, to be asked about the baby, & to be able to talk with other pregnant women excitedly. And although I love all of this there is a part of me that cannot let go of the nagging thought that this might be my only experience in this pregnancy world. If it is I’m prepared to accept that & am grateful to have the one experience. I’m a planner type & with that comes my mind often drifting towards the future. I’ve been thinking more lately about whether when we’re ready for a second child we’ll attempt IVF again or if we’ll look towards adoption. I don’t know how either of us will feel when that time comes, we’ll take one step at a time, but it is something I can’t help but wonder on. I work as a social worker in a rather large hospital & most days am running from one situation or problem to the next constantly looking towards solutions. The other day my afternoon played out a little differently when a young child who had been abused just needed someone to rock him to sleep, suddenly there were very few things that were as important as that simple act of giving comfort & love to a small child who so desperately needed it. Child abuse is something I’ve seen before & undoubtedly given my career I’ll see again. Why people who abuse & neglect their children are able to easily conceive them while others who so desperately want to be loving parents struggle for years & through so much heartache is something I have had to stop trying to understand. There is no solving that puzzle; life is unfair at times & that is something we all have to come to know at some point in our lives. One thing cases like that always renew in me though is my passion to be an advocate for children such as him, to fight for what they deserve.

In visiting with a group of girlfriends earlier this week, some of which have no children, some who already have two, the topic of birth control/family planning came up. It’s still odd to think we never have to worry about birth control again & I have to admit it sucks a lot to know that if we want to have another child either through IVF or adoption we need to have thousands saved up to finance either option. Although it does give you perspective on what’s really important & how we choose to live our lives. I have faith that when the time comes God will guide us in the direction He desires for our lives & we will again step off into the uncertain clinging to the hope that He will see us through the challenges of whichever road we take.

Books & fortunes...

By far the highlight of this week was that one of my close friends from Alabama gave birth to her first child this past Sunday!!! She is such an awesome person & so inspiring, she had planned & prepared herself for a natural childbirth and it all paid off as she was able to accomplish her goal. While I’d love this for myself, I’m still not sure I have the strength to get through natural childbirth, only time will tell; that & I know every birthing experience is so varied I’ll just have to wait & see what mine will bring. She is also someone who like myself is very committed to breastfeeding & she is no surprise doing awesome with this too. I’ve heard from several of my nurse friends that you should not assume you’ll know how to do this & if you really want to succeed with breastfeeding it’s important to educate yourself. So I’ve already gotten a couple of books on the topic & started reading one of them this past week & wow is it informational! It’s called The Nursing Mother’s Companion & if you’re also planning to breastfed it is a must have! There is SO much to learn & I can see why so many women get frustrated & quit because they don’t have all of this information, it’s all a bit daunting to read initially, but I have no doubt is worth it. I’m also planning to take a class offered by the hospital I’ll be delivering at, I’ve heard from friends it was extremely helpful to them & I’m thankful the hospital has a breastfeeding clinic available free to all mothers who deliver there, so if problems arise that will be one of my first stops.

Yesterday I came home to a wonderful surprise that totally made my day, my amazing mother in law had sent me a few children’s books for our little one! She picked out the cutest books & I LOVE them all so much. Two of my favorites were I Love You Through & Through and Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes. That last one is such an awesome book to teach children about diversity & tolerance and it’s so freaking cute! Then this morning our car seat & stroller set were delivered & they’re so adorable…I LOVE the pattern & think they’re perfect!

Lastly Nick & I went to dinner with a group of friends last night & we were all very amused to see that my fortune said, “A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share”! And Nick’s said, “The current year will bring you much happiness”. Just wow huh? Needless to say I’ve kept them both & plan to put them in the baby book…they’re just too perfect!

Belly pic's & quiz time...

So as I’ve had several people asking that I start taking more belly pic’s I made it a point to do so this morning…so for your viewing pleasure…I’m definitely growing!!!

It’s so exciting to finally know the sex of our baby, just makes the whole thing feel more real & I am now completely in the place of enjoying this pregnancy, no more letting fears get to me, I’ve signed on for just the joy now & it rocks!

I’ve also made a decision regarding the baby registry, I decided to go with Target & then for our cloth diapering needs I’m going to create a registry on Nell’s Natural Baby. Her website totally rocks, it’s super cute & she has reasonable prices, also she has this great newborn rental package that we’re strongly thinking about. With the package you get 24 of the Kissaluvs newborn diapers for $150 & after 3 months you can return them getting $85 in credit to use towards more diapers on her site or $75 cash! I’ve heard that these paired with the Thirsties Duo Covers are the best to use for the newborn stage up to about 3mths. Then we’ll probably use more of the BumGenius & Flips from there. Also for those of you who are like me & are trying stock up when there are deals to make this whole process cheaper I found another buy one get one deal!!! At squishy tushy if you don’t already have the coupon which I didn’t you can get a BG AIO for $1.50 if you purchase $10 in BG products! Also we just got our first BG & Flip in the mail yesterday from the buy one get one deal we ordered last week…they are so freaking cute!!! Even Nick had to admit how soft & comfortable they looked & of course adorable! I can see why they say this whole cloth diapering thing can get addicting:)

Lastly I thought it was time to maybe start in with the quiz/updates I’ve seen so many others do so here goes…

How far along?: 18wks, 5 days!

Weight?: Are you ready for this…17lbs!!! I know I’m a bit worried, seems like a lot already!

Maternity clothes?: At this point only maternity pants will do…love them! Still wearing some of my old shirts though & I’m having better luck at finding regular shirts that are just a size bigger which are more my style, although I’ve gotten a few maternity tops too.

Stretch marks?: Not really…but been thinking I need to invest in some lotions as a preventative measure, just keep forgetting! Anyone have a brand they recommend?

Sleep?: Been challenging at times as I’ve always been a back & stomach sleeper which is no longer safe or comfortable. A co worker suggested the pillow between the legs on your side & that has helped a lot. Still not really comfortable, but I suspect that’s normal & will only get worse so all in all dealing alright. Continuing to have lots of crazy, sometimes freaky dreams.

Best moment this week?: Our ultrasound & finding out it’s a girl!!! Best moment of the pregnancy so far, it was incredible to see!

Movement?: None that I’ve felt yet, but hopefully soon. She sure was moving like crazy during the ultrasound!

Food cravings?: Not really, just enjoying food in general, obviously!  

What I miss?: I’d say coffee, especially when I pass by the Starbucks at the hospital, & of course I miss wine from time to time, but all completely worth it!

What I'm looking forward to?: Starting to show more so people recognize me as pregnant & not just fat. Also starting our registries!!!

Weekly Wisdom: All of the money, injections, & agony of the IVF journey were so completely worth it to get to this point!

Milestones: Finding out the sex of our baby.

How's Daddy? Fantastic, excited & enjoying telling everyone he’s going to have a little girl.

Emotions: Definitely was feeling a bit full circle in that ultrasound room this week, thinking back to all we’ve experienced this past year & everything it took us to get to that moment was incredibly emotional. There were so many moments during the year in which I never knew if I’d get that experience & then to finally be in the moment and see my child, my daughter on that screen was so miraculous. It’s difficult to properly put words to that experience, so I’ll just say it was by far the best moment in this whole journey!

It's a....

GIRL!!! We had our sonogram today & it was AMAZING! We had the nicest ultrasound tech, she was so awesome; enjoyed a good 40 minutes or so of looking at baby & she gave us a bunch of great pictures. Baby is measuring right on target at about 9 ounces & everything looks great. She moved around so much, it was so incredible to see! We saw the OB after that & had a great visit with her as well. The only thing she mentioned as something to watch for is that my placenta is currently low, which at this point in time is no big deal as things can move around a lot in between now & baby’s arrival. It is something though that she said they want to monitor to ensure it doesn’t lead to placenta previa so because of that she said they’ll have us do another ultrasound at around 28wks to see how things are looking. So all in all fantastic freaking day! Here are just a few pictures for your viewing pleasure….

Her cute little foot...

Legs crossed, she's such a little lady...

Me, the bump, & all my lovely pictures...

Anniversary, cloth diapers, & IVF children's book

Nick & I happily celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary yesterday! On one hand it’s so hard to believe it’s been that long, but on the other hand I feel like we’ve known each other so much longer. I’m so thankful that somehow we found each other in this crazy world & that he chose me to be his partner in life. It’s exciting to think that at this time next year there will be someone else celebrating with us & our family will no longer be just the two of us!

I’ve gotten many comments that several of you are also planning to cloth diaper & are following recommendations or info I write regarding our plans for cloth diapering, so I’m excited to report I placed my first “fluff” order today!!! There is an amazing coupon available through Kellyscloset that is offering a FREE BumGenius AIO (all in one) with the purchase of $10 or more of any BumGenius, Flip, or Econobum purchase!!! So ladies if you’re planning to stock up this is a great time to start building your stock pile! Here is a link to the coupon if you’re interested & want to check it out…it’s good until the end of the month or when they run out of availability..
http://www.kellyscloset.com/bumGenius_bymfg_4-0-1.html

Lastly, I was thrilled to find out about this book today called I Can’t Wait to Meet You, it is written by a social worker (which being one of course I love) and is specifically written to help in telling a child they were conceived through IVF. The author has been through IVF herself & wrote this book to help children understand this concept & how much they were wanted. I am definitely planning to order this book & will write a review for you all once I receive it!