This just got real people!!!

We’re reaching milestones left and right over here! The most exciting of which is that I’m 12wks pregnant as of this past Saturday!!! I had my NT scan this morning, and we got these great pics of baby looking SO awesome! Baby’s heartbeat was 141bpm and as always was a beautiful reassuring sight!

We won’t know the results of the scan & blood work until later this week or possibly as late as my next OB appointment in a week.

It was especially reassuring to have the scan this morning because this past week while we were staying with family for the Holiday Ian came down with his first case of the stomach flu on Thanksgiving day which seriously sucked!!! Then, of course, since I took care of him and was thrown up on multiple times that day I succumbed to the worst case of stomach flu of my adult life (by far)… it was horrible!!! Happy 12wks of pregnancy! So needless to say, after 10hrs of vomiting I was really relieved to see baby made it through all of that okay.

Now the big question is how and when do we announce this pregnancy?  Yes, our close family and friends already know, but I’m still trying to decide when to announce to the general public and facebook land. I’m so uncertain about when to make the big announcement; a part of me wants to announce within the next couple of weeks, and a part of me wonders if we should wait until more around the 18-20wk mark when we find out the sex. 

Speaking of the sex, that was another question I was also back and forth on, whether to find out or not. A part of me loves the idea of waiting to find out until the baby is born. But my husband is more practical, and he’s right in terms of planning purposes that it would be easier if we knew beforehand if this baby is a girl or boy. We’ll see what happens there, but I probably will give in and find out.

Starting to feel, dare I say it, a bit excited & hopeful about this pregnancy!

First OB appointment....

Everything has been progressing smoothly thus far and overall I've been feeling as expected at this stage; I’m 9wks 2 days today. The odd thing with this pregnancy is that I’ve been experiencing nausea in the evening, but really it’s the most convenient time since Nick is usually home by then and it’s usually pretty mild. Definitely feeling the typical first trimester exhaustion, but overall just really thankful to be at this point at all and anything that comes with it is fine by me right now.

Had my first OB appointment this afternoon. It still feels so surreal to me. She asked me about whether I’d thought about VBAC vs C-section, and I told her that honestly at this stage all I can do is think in terms of week to week. In all likelihood though, as I learned a long time ago, no matter what I want in terms of the birth, so much is out of my control and I'll probably just plan on a C-section. I return in 4wks and will continue on the daily progesterone injections and estrace pills until 12wks. She’s planning to do cervix checks every 2wks starting around week 13 just to be on the safe side. She did also give me the go ahead to see the perinatologist group here in town around 18-20wks. We’ll plan on weekly progesterone injections starting around 16wks as well just like we did with Ian’s pregnancy.

Baby’s due date is June 14th.  I like to think it’s a sign that things are going to be okay this time around and that I might just get lucky enough to experience a full term pregnancy since all of my babies have been born in June! Lily’s birthday was June 27th and Ian’s is June 21st, plus my amazing husband Nick’s birthday is June 7th, so you know it just seems fitting that this baby would have a June birthday as well. Time will tell, but for now I’m choosing to appreciate the moment and hope, even though it still doesn't feel real to me yet! Every time I think that this time next year we might have two kids it seems crazy to me!

                                                                                     

From the beginning Ian has taught us to appreciate the little things, and as I listened to him say a word for the first time the other day I was again struck by the simplicity of how much hearing him say a new word is such an amazing thing. He’s been delayed in his speech, and although he is making improvements every day, it’s still a slow process. But I have to wonder if hearing each of those new letters or words would be nearly as sweet if it hadn't taken such patience, waiting, and working together to get to the point of him saying them. Being his mother is such an incredible gift and has truly made me appreciate so many parts of watching him grow and change. It really is so sacred and amazing. The other day, as I was glowing in the moment of that new word he spoke, I felt so much appreciation for being in that moment with him, being his Mommy, and having the opportunity to experience pregnancy again. All of it is so humbling and incredible.

Heartbeat confirmed...

Had my last ultrasound at the RE’s office this morning and thankfully received only reassuring news. Baby was measuring right on target at 7wks 3 days and got to hear the heartbeat which was 155bpm. The clinic gave us a USB stick with several of the pictures which we loved. As always, it was bittersweet saying goodbye to them.  Thrilled to have passed another major milestone and really, really hoping this is going to be a smooth sailing pregnancy! 

Good news continues...

The first ultrasound went well this morning. They were able to see both the gestational sac in the uterus and the yolk sac which they said is fantastic for this stage of the pregnancy (officially 5wks 3days)! They also ran a TSH level today which came back normal! I'll return to the RE's office again in two weeks. I'll be 7wks 3 days, and they hope to be able to hear the heartbeat at that time. 

Ironically, today was the first morning I started to feel a bit nauseated while I was waiting in RE's office of all places; had to laugh at that! Time to break out the ginger tea and ginger ale! I'm also feeling more fatigue then usual, but otherwise just feeling really thankful and hopeful that this pregnancy continues smoothly. Would love for this to be the one that makes it to full term!!! Such a foreign concept to me!

We're getting excited to celebrate with friends and family this weekend as we're returning home to throw a baby shower for one of my oldest and very dearest friends, who after many years of battling infertility will be welcoming her baby boy into the world around Thanksgiving! 

We enjoyed a wonderful weekend and fun trip to the pumpkin patch this past Sunday. Here are a couple pics of us and our amazing little man. 

On this October 15th, Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day, more than three years out from losing Lillian Grace, I'm feeling thankful, grateful and blessed for where we find ourselves today. 

Beta number 2....

Thrilled to report that we received a fantastically reassuring beta number again today! It has more then doubled and was 2,312!!!!

Still doesn't seem totally real yet but definitely feeling excited and hopeful. They're actually having me go in for my first ultrasound already next week and then another a couple weeks after that. Initially the clinic wanted me to do one a week starting next week through 8wks but since we have to pay out of pocket for everything at the RE's office and each of them are $288 I talked them down to just doing the two. One step at a time is what I keep telling myself, breathing in and trying to enjoy the moment.

Step one complete....

We took a home pregnancy test this weekend and below was the result.

That same morning we were leaving a birthday party of one of Ian’s friends when Nick happened to look down and saw this….a lucky sign perhaps?

Then yesterday we had our first beta draw! We didn’t find out the result until this morning because the lab forgot to enter it as a stat draw. So needless to say I was a basket of nerves last night waiting to hear, but the nurse called this morning and the numbers are fantastic!!!  My hcg was 1,098 and my progesterone was 29.4!!!! This is slightly higher than the reading with Ian even though it was taken a day earlier!

So we're definitely off to a good start. We'll have our second beta tomorrow and hopefully will see good strong numbers again. We’ve got a really long way to go before we can get too excited, but we can at least cross step one off the list as a smashing success! 

Waiting is the hardest part...

The remainder of our trip after transfer was great. We were able to go out to dinner with our donor couple the night before we flew out. It was so wonderful to be able to spend that time with them talking about our kids and catching up. Of course bed rest and all that time I was able to spend reading was amazing as well. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement! 

Ugh, but this waiting game… I had blocked out how incredibly hard the waiting is. Really up until yesterday I’d been doing pretty well managing, but then I started to feel more emotional and impatient to know. Yesterday, in a new moms group I’m involved with, someone at my table shared that she just lost her baby at 10wks a couple of weeks ago and is having a hard time. I of course was stricken yet again by the sadness of how often miscarriage, infant loss and stillbirth occur. I've had to compartmentalize a lot going into this treatment cycle, thinking in terms of one small step at a time, first getting through the cycle itself, then a BFP, then first beta, then second beta, and so on because if I think  about all of it at once it’s so completely overwhelming. When she shared her loss it threw me back a bit into the many scary outcomes that can occur even if we get a BFP. Then of course I log onto fb and see a pregnancy announcement for baby #4…seriously?! I was talking to a friend who personally knows the difficulty of infertility the other day about how wild it is that getting pregnant can be so simple for some people and then impossibly hard for others; still even after all these years its baffling.

So today, in the midst of all the emotions and worries, I’m trying to focus on perspective since that always seems to ground me a bit. My family is healthy and all of our basic needs are met, which in itself is so much more than countless others in this world. I started a new social work job just a few hours a week at a local hospital a couple months ago and every day at that job I’m reminded of how blessed we are. It's a constant reminder that life can change in an instant and that there are no guarantees in this life. So today I choose to focus on gratitude for those things that we do have as we wait & wonder and most of all cautiously hope.