Focusing on positive thoughts and cycling on…

I’ve had a hard time recently deciding if and how much I wanted to talk about this treatment cycle on my blog. There are several in real life (IRL) friends and family who read this blog, so it is not a place where what I write will remain secret. So much is taken away from couples who have to undergo infertility treatments. If things go well with this treatment cycle, I’m torn between my fear which tells me to be cautious and my excitement that tells me to cherish the pregnancy and enjoy it, both of which will likely win at times. If it does result in a pregnancy, I know we won’t disclose to everyone IRL until at least 12wks into the pregnancy, if not longer, and because of that I was very torn about sharing at all on here. I want the excitement of sharing the news with others when we’re ready and in our own way and time. Also, if for some reason things don’t go well or a miscarriage occurs I don’t want everyone knowing about it. So please know that I’m trusting those of you who do know us IRL and hoping that you’ll be sensitive to this.

I’ve completed all of the pre FET lab work and procedures at the local clinic in this area which will be doing all of my monitoring. The ultrasound, mock transfer, and saline sonohystrogram all went smoothly. I begin my injections on February 3^rd with a possible FET occurring on March 7^th (yikes…right around the corner)! I’ll be starting nightly Lupron injections February 3^rd  (only a week from today), my last BCP will be on the 9^th, and the first lab work & baseline ultrasound will be February 13^th. Then, pending the results of that, I’ll receive instructions on when to begin the Progesterone injection, Medrol, Estrace & Doxycyline and will go in for a lining check on February 27^th.  This next month is going to fly by in a whirlwind I’m sure, and I’m anxious to see the results that await us. Until then, moving forward with hope, a grateful heart for those people I do have in my life, and focusing positive thoughts towards those things that I can control and attempting to let go of and accept what I can’t. I saw both of these on Pinterest today and felt they spoke to where I’m at in this moment.

And just because I can't resist sharing this gorgeous face, a recent one of the little man...

Preparing for donor embryo FET #2 and life happenings….

It’s official. I’m back on the birth control pills, and no, it is definitely not in the hopes of preventing pregnancy. It never fails to make us laugh…the very pills that prevent pregnancy are the ones we begin taking in preparation for infertility treatment that will hopefully result in a pregnancy. The irony of modern medicine!

We’ve been in talks with the donor clinic in the northeast that did our FET with Ian, and we are planning to attempt to move forward with an FET sometime in February or March of 2013! This will be with embryos created at the same time as Ian so hopefully we’ll be adding a biological sibling for him to our family. So the appointments and preparations begin already…a reminder of how much work goes into conceiving via the assistance of reproductive medicine. I’ll be meeting with a local RE later this month to do a saline sonohysterogram and mock transfer and already had loads of blood work drawn last week. They’ll be doing all of my monitoring here until we’re ready for the actual transfer at which time we’ll fly out to the northeast.

It’s definitely exciting to think about the possibility of another child, but it also brings up a lot of fear and uncertainty as well. On the plus side, since I’m currently staying home with Ian I’ll have plenty of time to focus on trying to keep stress levels down and will have time for all the necessary appointments that come with a high risk pregnancy if things go successfully with the transfer. On the other hand, pregnancy and all of the fears that come with it given my past experiences are a bit overwhelming to think about. Also, Ian can be such a handful himself at times. Some days I wonder what the heck we’re doing thinking of adding another child into the mix, but then I’m reminded of all the unknowns that come with this. Will we have to do multiple transfers? Will I carry to term? Etc, etc and the list of worries goes on and on…okay, maybe not doing such a good job of keeping the stress levels down. I’m already telling myself, one day at a time… I have a feeling I’ll be reminding myself of that frequently in the future! It’s really hard knowing I was so diligent about being healthy during both of my pregnancies and yet still had unforeseen complications. I can’t help but think we’re due an easy pregnancy this time around, but I also know far too well that doesn’t mean that will happen. I know that life is far from fair at times.

Conceiving through embryo donation/adoption has become so “normal” to us, but I’m often reminded of how little the general population and even other couples who have undergone infertility treatments know of ED/EA. It’s another reminder to me of how incredible it is that we have a child through this form of infertility treatment. And along with that we have an amazing donor family with whom we are so thankful to share an open relationship. Another part of this process for FET # 2 that’s exciting and a bit overwhelming to think about is that we plan to bring Ian with us on the trip so he and the donor family will have the opportunity to meet in person for the first time! We’ve shared pictures and emails from the beginning, but for them to meet each other in person makes me feel emotional now just thinking about it. The thought of actually taking him on a plane is a bit intimidating as well. My mind tends to take off and begin worrying about every little detail. See, I already need to be reminded one day at a time!

Happy Holidays to everyone, I’ll leave you with this hilarious picture of Ian and Santa this year. He was definitely not a fan! We were invited to a local North Pole play date of parents who have adopted or undergone infertility treatments and they had a wonderful Santa who was available for pictures. He was incredibly sweet but alas, Ian was not having it this year…

Maybe next year he’ll be more of a fan. Really it’s totally understandable at his age that a strange man with giant beard and a bright red suit is a tad scary! 

Updates & Christmas shopping...

Life continues on at a dizzying pace set by the busy toddler that is at the center of my world. Ian is very active these days and definitely keeps me on my toes.

It struck me the other day while bored with the current toddler led activity that I should enjoy these little moments where bouncing a ball on the floor or opening and shutting the cupboards are entertainment enough. So for now I’ll try to step back from the moments of repetitive activity and realize that really they too are but fleeting moments. And someday sooner then I’ll probably expect this little toddler of mine will be grown and no longer wanting his momma to be in all of his business.

We just had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday with our families and are starting to feel the chill in the air as we prepare for this year’s Christmas festivities. If you’re looking for Christmas ideas, I’m hosting an online Stella & Dot trunk show for my dear friend Tiffany. Swing by and check out some of their fabulous items!!! They have beautiful jewelry as well as some great accessory items like iPhone covers, scarves and wallets. I love their charm collection & plan to put that on my wish list this year!

I’ve also recently become a Thirty-one consultant. I love their products & am so excited to be able to share them with others! If you’re not familiar with them check out my page. I’m currently hosting an online open house party so you can swing by there to take care of some of your Holiday shopping as well! 

Growth, weaning and thoughts on the future….

Thanks to help from my amazing husband I was able to wean Ian about three weeks ago. He helped in putting Ian down for his naps and bedtime to make the transition easier for both of us. Breastfeeding to 14 ½ months was far surpassing the initial goal I had for myself and I’m so thankful that Ian & I were able to share that bonding experience together for so long and that overall it was such a positive experience for us. Wow, engorgement is no joke though; I was really uncomfortable for a few days there and so glad that’s over. Thanks to breastfeeding I’m down to the lowest weight I’ve been in many years, and hopefully will be able to maintain that since I know once I start back on the fertility meds the weight will surely follow.

We’ve been starting to talk about the possibility of an FET sometime around the beginning of next year & wanted a few months in which I wasn’t either undergoing treatment, pregnant, or lactating! It was sad to leave this stage of mothering behind as I’m sure it is for most mothers, but thankful for the experience & the health benefits we both received as a result. And I’m now enjoying as much coffee, tea and wine as I’d like for the next few months:)

Ian has reached the age where I’ve been getting the question about when/if we’ll have a second child a lot lately. If you’d asked me a few months ago how I felt about thinking about another I’d have told you I felt too overwhelmed, terrified, etc, but in the past month I’ve been starting to feel the pull. I still have many fears that I know will surround the treatment/pregnancy journey in the future, but when seeing Ian interact with other children I’d really love for him to have a sibling someday. Time will tell if this is in the cards for us. For now we’re trying to make the most of the moments we’ve been given with Ian and enjoying his developing personality.

I finally took the time to put together a shutterfly book of pictures from his first year. It was incredible to look back at how far Ian has come in the past year; what a difference a year makes in so many ways! Life is pretty great right now, we’re in an awesome routine, Ian now sleeps through the night from about 7:30-8pm to 6:30-7am and still takes two naps a day, although he still tends to fight sleep during the day. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our difficult days, but overall life is simple yet beautiful at the moment.

We’re settling into our new home and enjoying all the extra space! Ian has mastered both crawling & walking and life is definitely busier now! He recently discovered his tongue and likes to make funny faces, which proves to be highly entertaining for us. You’re never too young to learn to not take yourself to seriously right?! Keeping him busy during the day has started to take some work. He’s a total outdoorsman, so when we’re able we spend time going on walks and exploring. He loves to read both by himself just flipping through his books and with us. We’ve also started trying out different activities thanks to Pinterest which has been fun for both of us. Seriously, what did people do before Pinterest (I’m a total addict). I’d love to hear about your fun activity ideas for toddlers, especially with the cold months approaching! Little man just turned 15 months old this past Friday…wow, time is flying!!!

Parenting books, teaching compassion, sewing and another move…

Although I know there is unfortunately no secret manual on how to parent a child, I do know books can sometimes be helpful in navigating the often confusing and challenging aspects of parenthood. What books have you all found to be helpful and would recommend? I’m currently reading Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis & Janis Keyser which was recommended by a friend, and I really like it so far. It’s inclusive of all family types which is a plus in my view and very informative. I’m also planning to read Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn and The Case for Make Believe: Saving Play in a Commercialized World by Susan Linn, also both recommended by friends.

Speaking of books, You Are My Wish Come True by Marianne Richmond is a beautiful children’s book Ian received for his birthday and is so perfect for anyone who has struggled to build their family. The Mama Bear in the book even discusses how sometimes family members don’t look alike, that all families are different, and that what makes a family is their love for each other. Another part of the book I loved was when Mama Bear answers her son’s question on whether wishes always come true honestly. She responds that “not all of our wishes come true. But don’t ever stop wishing for the hopes of your heart”.  The author has also written a book that is specific to adoptive families.

I guess with all these latest culture wars raging I’m feeling an even greater need to instill in my son the love and compassion I hope that he sees us treat others with, and that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that whoever he is, whoever he becomes, he will always have our unconditional love and support. I want to equip him with strength and love and the desire to stand up for his beliefs as well as justice for all. I know that children mirror much of what they see in their families, so I’m trying to be more present in displaying kindness towards others and an inclusive environment in which differences are treasured. All of the judgment and hatred that is being flung by so many makes me feel very disheartened and honestly sad for those who are at the heart of all this disagreement just trying to live and love who they love. I can’t help but think that if I, a married heterosexual, feel so dejected by organized religion, how do my homosexual friends feel? And to those who are so freely flinging around beliefs that are unkind and disapproving of others, how would you feel if that was your child who loved someone of the same sex. It saddens me to think of children growing up in homes like this that are being taught that their feelings might not be “right” or acceptable by their parents, by God and/or society. I can’t help but think of that song…what the world needs now is love, sweet love, it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.

Life is so unpredictable. I never would have guessed I’d be where I am now a year ago. We’re enjoying life in the new city and I’ve actually settled into the whole unplanned SAHM gig well and *gasp* I’ve started sewing! This is something I previously had absolutely no interest in learning and never would have thought I’d be good at, but I’m actually quite enjoying myself learning to sew. I’ve made some cloth napkins for our family and these reusable cloth towels...

I’m going to keep practicing and we’ll see, maybe I’ll be able to make a little business out of this new hobby. It’s been a great activity for me to work on while little man naps during the day and then once he goes to bed in the evenings. I’m a very goal oriented person and need to accomplish some tangible tasks throughout the day so these projects give me that sense of fulfillment while being at home. We’re preparing to close on our house in the new city in two weeks, so soon I’ll be busy packing yet again (hopefully the last time for a very long time) and then unpacking and arranging our lives and routines into a new home.

Speaking of the little man, Ian is doing great. As is typical of him, he reminded us he will do things on his own time and not according to any specific timeline. Just a little over a week ago he started walking before crawling. He wants absolutely nothing to do with crawling, and although we continue to work with him in trying to see the merits of how this could be helpful towards his mobility skills he doesn’t seem to agree. He also loves books and is currently fixated on about three books that he likes us to read over and over together throughout the day.

Lastly, Happy World Breastfeeding week to all you Mommas out there! Even if you tried breastfeeding and it didn’t work out for whatever reason, take comfort in knowing that you gave it a shot and you’re doing the best job you possibly can.

Two years....

Two years ago today our lives were forever changed; we became parents for the first time as our daughter Lillian Grace came into the world and left us just as quickly. So much has changed in those two years, thankfully the raw pain of her death has dwindled and with the new life that Ian has brought into our family our hearts have slowly healed, but we’ll always remember you Lily & wonder what might have been <3

A Year of Parenthood & What the Baby Books Don’t Tell You…

It’s been almost a year since Ian made his entrance into this world. On Thursday our little man will be one year old! In one year I’ve learned that sometimes the most unexpected things in life are the ones that shape us more than all the plans we’ve attempted to make for ourselves. That although life doesn’t always turn out how we may have expected, somehow it takes us where we need to be. That although life can be filled with agonizing grief, it can also be filled with astonishing joy & immense love.

I was reading a book called Night Road by Kristin Hannah this past week and there was a sentence that spoke so honestly of the experience of grief and learning to live after loss. “In the sea of grief, there were islands of grace, moments in time when one could remember what was left rather than all that had been lost”. Fortunately in the past year since Ian’s birth I’ve learned there is so much truth to this. That although there are still times when I wonder what could have been if Lily was still with us, those moments are not nearly as frequent as those in which I’m filled with gratitude that Ian is our son.

Jeannett at Life Rearranged is hosting this link up series which prompts us to talk about what the baby books don’t tell you. It’s something I think all parents can relate to. She is a funny, inspiring blogger and is also using this fun link up series as a way to get the word out about her latest fundraiser for clean water projects in developing nations. As she explains, “Becoming a mom makes the world a smaller place. The faces of children around the world squeeze your heart in a way they never did before. The anguish of a mother thousands of miles away hurts deeply. Knowing how often I pour a glass of water for my kids...wash their clothes...wipe down their faces...I can't NOT want to help a mother on the other side of the world provide the most basic of necessities for her sweet babe. Join us in supporting mothers worlds away. Because somehow, their babies are our babies too.”

We’ve learned that there is so much truth to the phrase “what a difference a year makes”. In the past year we’ve learned both the immense joy of being parents and the confounding humility that accompanies the reality that parenthood is the most challenging & rewarding role you’ve ever held. They don’t tell you in the baby books that you’ll question yourself constantly and your decisions about the smallest things. How you’ll worry about each decision you make and how it will impact your baby. You realize how little you really know! They don’t tell you that the highs & lows of parenthood can be as dramatic as the rollercoaster ride of infertility. That in one moment you’re feeling the frustration of a baby that refuses to sleep even though he’s completely exhausted, and the next you’re melting at the sound of that same baby’s babblings and smile.

They don’t tell you that although the parenting & baby books can be helpful in some ways, that each baby is so unique their suggestions may not work for your child, and there really is no magic parenting manual. That parenting really is one big experiment of trial and error and doing the best you can & hoping it’s enough. How becoming a parent fills you with unbelievable joy and at the same time fear of all the dangers that could harm your child. That you’ll never feel so inadequate and yet so fulfilled.

Our road to parenthood is one that isn’t experienced by many; it has shaped us in ways we couldn’t have expected and it has brought us more than we could have hoped. Yes, we have broken places in our hearts, but we are profoundly blessed in spite of them.