Movement & Ergo deal…

Overall I’ve been feeling pretty good this past week. I’m still anxious about these next couple of weeks, but am focusing more on the positive moments I’ve been experiencing during this pregnancy and the hope that everything will continue forward smoothly. I’ve been feeling a lot more movement from baby in the past week, which has been so comforting. I never really felt movement with Lily, which could have been because of the placement of my placenta during that pregnancy, but it’s something I’ll always wonder about. Needless to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying the reassuring movements of baby recently. I’ve also hit a bit of a wall in terms of energy these past few days and am feeling more exhausted. All things considered though, feeling incredibly thankful to be experiencing this pregnancy and bonding with this precious baby. Already so unbelievably in love!

It’s interesting, since we’ve chosen not to find out the sex of the baby people are starting to throw out their guesses in terms of what they believe the baby to be. So far a majority of people are guessing boy, but I had my first dream the other night about the baby after he/she is born and in my dream it was a girl. I’ve been feeling a bit more uncertain as to if I’ll be able to hold out on finding out the sex, especially since we’ll have so many ultrasounds in the third trimester. We’ll see; we may change our minds, but for now he/she remains a mystery!

So excited about my recent Ergo baby carrier purchase! I’d been eyeing these for some time and there was an awesome deal on Ergo carriers this weekend at The Foundary, so I was able to pick up the one I’ve been wanting and for a great deal! I saw a couple carrying their baby in an Ergo at Target while getting groceries a couple of weeks ago and am so looking forward to the day when we’re running errands or walking around the neighborhood with our little one tucked in the Ergo. The thought of it makes me smile:)

If you haven’t already, stop by Krissi’s blog to participate in a graduate study on the psychological and emotional affects of infertility. It’s a great way to help others understand how to better help those struggling with infertility and another way we can ensure our voices are heard!

Here I go, taking lots of deep breaths and thinking hopeful, centering thoughts through this next month.

Drama free & advocacy...

The OB appointment was blessedly uneventful today; definitely love those types of appointments! The baby’s heartbeat was measuring 147bpm. She also told us the PENTA screening results all came back normal so baby is looking perfectly healthy! I’ve been feeling more movement which is also exciting and something I didn’t feel at this stage with Lily, so that gives me more reassurance as well.

Next on our agenda we’ll have the heart echo appointment for the baby at the perinatologist’s office on April 25th, then our next appointment with the OB is scheduled for May 2nd! Hopefully we’ve got a nice boring drama free month ahead of us. Thank you all for the encouragement & being there for me in my moments of fear and doubt. I'm so incredibly thankful for the support you all provide & know this journey would be so much harder if I didn't have you all to walk beside me!

Good news in the advocacy arena as well. The pharmaceutical company that announced about a month ago they would be selling Makena at an absurdly greedy amount has announced that, due to the intense amount of pressure they received and the fact that the FDA will still allow pharmacies to compound the drug, they are now reducing the cost of the medication! This explains why I was able to fill my compounded prescription without incidence this past weekend. Here is a link to an article with the all the details. Thank you to all who wrote letters and advocated for this change to occur. It’s encouraging & inspiring to know that we can all still make a difference if we raise our voices loud enough!

Feeling the fear...

I’ve officially hit 20wks as of today, and I cannot help but wish these next couple of months would fly by so that I can breathe easier knowing the baby is well past viability and into a safer gestation if something were to go wrong. These past few days have been harder than I expected. As this pregnancy nears the time when we lost Lily, I’m feeling more anxious about something going wrong. We’ve been using our home doppler a bit more to help ease some of the anxiety, but it is absolutely terrifying to think about the possibility of experiencing another loss. Some days I just wish I could stay in bed and sleep through the next couple of months. I’m trying my best to keep moving forward, hoping that things will be different this time, but the fear is always there.

In more positive news, I picked up a refill of my weekly progesterone (P17) injections today at the pharmacy and they were still able to compound them for me, so it was just the usual $30 co-pay. Very relieved for that! I also made my first purchase for the baby while there…I saw this adorable little puppy and couldn’t resist. Trying to hold more to hope than fear I took the leap and bought it hoping our baby is able to enjoy it someday soon.

Next OB appointment is scheduled for Monday afternoon so hopefully that will bring more reassurance.

MFM Specialist & ultrasound...

We had an amazing ultrasound this morning before our appointment with the specialist. The tech used the words naughty, ornery, & squirrelly several times as the baby was definitely not cooperating with her. For a majority of the ultrasound baby was curled into a little ball, but moving around a lot! I think it’s a good thing we decided before hand we didn’t want to know the sex as I’m not sure she would have been able to tell! The baby’s heart beat was measuring at 136bmp and at this point in time everything appears normal.

Next we met with the specialist, who actually wasn’t the doctor we thought we’d be seeing but a different MFM specialist (perinatologist) that sometimes fills in for the doctor at this practice. Initially we thought that might not be a good thing, but we quickly realized we got lucky because this doctor was absolutely amazing! By the end of the visit we were totally loving her and wishing we got to see her more often! She was fascinated with our embryo adoption story and wanted to know how we were led in that direction. We shared our story with her and she was amazed, she thought our donor family was absolutely incredible for doing what they’ve done for us. We agreed, of course, and told her how awesome they are; needless to say, I think we were her first embryo donor family.

She definitely wants me to continue the weekly (P17) Progesterone injections and felt there was nothing out of the ordinary with the baby’s ultrasound. All the baby bits looked good and my cervix also looked healthy. She suggested a fetal heart echo sometime between week 22-24 of the pregnancy to rule out any heart defects or abnormalities (IVF babies are for some reason at slightly higher risk for these defects), so we’re scheduled for that on April 25^th. She wants to see me back again in 14wks which actually happens to land on Lily’s birthday June 27^th. This was a day we were already planning to take off from work so we decided to go ahead with scheduling the appointment that day. She also said that once I reach the 3^rd trimester, beginning at 28wks into the pregnancy, she wants my OB to do an ultrasound every 4wks. She said these are growth ultrasounds to ensure the baby is growing properly and everything is measuring as it should. She also felt it would be beneficial for the OB to do urine cultures every 1-2 months to check for any bladder/kidney infections. Otherwise, she said what happened with my last pregnancy was most likely a freak incident and there is no reason to believe it will happen again, but that all of the things she’s suggested are precautions to ensure that this pregnancy continues to progress smoothly.

After leaving the appointment with her I felt much more hopeful, and I’m starting to feel a bit excited that maybe we really will be taking home a healthy baby in August! We’ve decided it’s time to announce the pregnancy to everyone now, since no matter what happens at this point we would want everyone to know. So we’ll be taking a leap and sharing the news on fb later tonight! The Hope necklace (good luck charm) I received from the donor mother seems to be doing its job nicely.

A couple shots of our precious baby…

You all know how I love to give book recommendations, well for those of you out there who love to read and have struggled with infertility, I have a book you simply must check out! I started reading Swimming in Circles: A Baby Chase Odyssey by Michael Barr after Stirrup Queens mentioned it this past Friday, and ladies I’m completely devouring it! It’s a fantastically humorous yet touching story of he & his wife’s infertility journey…I cannot wait to find out what happens next, and I’m sure you will all be able to relate to their story in some way. So if you haven’t already, check it out. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll silently nod your head in understanding. 

Happy ICLW for those participating…hope it’s a week filled with hope and reassurance for you as well! 

Sex: to know or not to know?

First off, I have to announce the wonderful news of my newest nephew’s birth! My sister gave birth to Brady Matthew on Friday afternoon. Even though he was born at 34wks, he was a healthy 5lbs 1oz and is making great strides in the NICU. He’s already drinking from a bottle, and it appears he’ll only need a short stay at the NICU!

I know several of you are already aware, but for those who haven’t heard there have been some major headlines this past week in regards to the weekly Progesterone (P17) injections that women like myself in high risk pregnancies are prescribed weekly from weeks 16 to 37 to prevent preterm labor. In the past these injections have been made inexpensively by compounding pharmacies. I actually just picked up my first prescription for the compounded version last weekend and started these weekly injections on Tuesday. Now a drug company has received FDA approval for a branded version of this medication called Makena, and with that the costs are sky rocketing. Seriously, the cost per dose had been around $10 and under the branded version will be $1,500!!!! I won’t get into all the details here; you can read more about this in these articles.

Women who fall into the income guidelines and are uninsured will have access to the medication; the concern is where all of us in the middle will land in terms of coverage. The drug company making this new medication has written letters to compounding pharmacies ordering them to cease and desist making their compounded versions so that their medication, Makena is the only option available (per FDA rules). When I filled my last prescription for the injections at my pharmacy I had to pay a $30 co-pay. I talked to the pharmacy the other day and they are uncertain of how these changes will affect them at this time, but I wasn’t able to get a refill this early so time will tell how much I’ll be paying for this medication at the end of the month. As someone who works in the healthcare system, another concern is our already overwhelmed state funded Medicaid programs that will have to shoulder the enormous cost of this medication. This serves as one more example of how the arbitrary and sometimes greedy prices pharmaceutical companies set can wreak havoc on people’s lives.

Now on to a lighter topic, sex: to know or not to know? With our first pregnancy we knew we wanted to find out the sex of the baby without a doubt. This time around we feel differently; we’ve been very seriously considering keeping the sex a surprise. In terms of coping with infertility and loss, we’ve been forced to become more patient and have learned that sometimes the wait is worth the payoff. I’ve heard from women on both sides, those who have found out the sex and were extremely happy with their decisions, and those who haven’t and said it was the best surprise they’ve ever experienced. We’re pretty certain at this point we’re not going to find out. So much has been taken away from us in terms of infertility, and this is one amazing surprise we get to experience together. Anyone out there regret their decision one way or another?

Waiting...

My appointment with the OB was pleasantly uneventful, got another heartbeat check and the reassurance that all is well. I start my weekly progesterone injections this evening, another tangible act that I know is helping to keep this baby healthy. My doctor is so supportive and wonderful. She asked how I was handling things emotionally as I progress farther into the pregnancy. I answered honestly, that I think I’m doing well considering, and that I know I’m doing all I can to keep this baby healthy, but the reality is that the farther I get the scarier it becomes, the more there is to lose. She reassured me that as I get closer to the time when I lost Lily, if I need to come in for a heartbeat fix or just to hear that everything is okay from her that it’s alright. It’s so nice to know she is empathetic towards my loss and understands the impact it can have on this pregnancy.

The waiting room of the OB’s office is still a really difficult place to be as an infertile and as a loss survivor. The scars of infertility feel so exposed when in that space, that feeling of being out of place, of not belonging and uncertainty. It’s still so hard to see so many people who pregnancy appears to happen for so easily, so many who appear to not be ready for pregnancy, yet are experiencing it without difficulty.  I doubt I’ll ever feel completely at ease in the waiting room of an OB’s office, but I also feel that given the life experiences that have brought me to this point, it’s normal and understandable to feel this way. I’m just relieved to have a doctor I feel I can put my faith in and that’s enough for me.

At work the news about my pregnancy has been spreading, and I’ve been receiving a lot of congratulations mixed in with the question, so this is your first? It’s almost a relief really, to be able to talk openly about my daughter. To have the opportunity to share her story and this major part of my life. One of the nurses I work with sympathetically asked if it’s difficult for me to talk about her. I told her no, it’s nice to talk about her. She’s my daughter and just like every other parent I like to talk about her, but so few people ask. It’s nice when people care, when they want to know, when they take the time to listen.

Thank you all for the positive thoughts, prayers, and hope that have been sent for my sister, brother in law, and their baby. She’s still stable on strict bed rest in the hospital and they are planning to induce on Friday when she reaches 34wks!

Updates...

With anxious anticipation we finally had our monthly OB appointment this afternoon. I was SO ready for this appointment! The doctor found the heartbeat right away and it was measuring at 155bpm. We’ll have another appointment next Tuesday to go over how to administer the Progesterone injections I’ll be starting on a weekly basis, even though Nick has administered about 150 of them throughout my two pregnancies. I will also be doing the PENTA screening at that appointment. This is a screening done in the 16^th week of pregnancy to assess prenatal risk for neural tubal defects, down syndrome, and trisomy 18. Although we didn’t do any screening on my first pregnancy, we decided that any additional information we get will help us to mentally prepare for whatever is to come.

We’re still really looking forward to our appointment with the MFM specialist on March 21^st, but feel more reassured now that we’ve had another heartbeat fix and heard from the doctor that everything appears healthy. As we were leaving the clinic though, we saw a couple that had been called back shortly before us, the woman probably 20+wks pregnant. They were standing in the parking lot hugging each other sobbing. It broke my heart; I thought of all the things that may be wrong, all the terrible news they may have received. It’s so random, the good news and the bad, so awfully sad and random at times. It was hard not to run up to her and give her a hug and tell her you’ll get through this, you’ll survive.

In other unexpected and scary news, my younger sister is pregnant with her second child and quite unexpectedly went into preterm labor early Monday morning when her water broke at 32wks 3 days into her pregnancy. Thankfully, they got to the hospital right away, and although she is now hospitalized on strict bed rest, the contractions are not occurring and they’ve been able to administer steroid injections to develop the baby’s lungs. She will remain hospitalized in the hopes they can get her to 34wks on March 11^th at which time they will induce if she doesn’t go into labor before that time. The baby appears to be healthy and is measuring at 4lbs 7oz so hopefully the NICU stay will be short & sweet. So please send lots of positive thoughts, prayers, and hope my sister & brother in law’s way; this is a long awaited and very hoped for baby!

And finally, Sunday marked 8 months since Lily’s birth and death. It’s so odd; it doesn’t seem that it was that long ago at all, maybe a few months, but certainly not 8 months! I definitely feel more at peace emotionally with my grief than I have in the past. It’s there, but not as raw or painful or ever present as it was in the beginning. There are more components that make up my life, more pieces of myself that I’m able to focus on. One thing I know with certainty is that my relationship with my husband has grown only stronger with all we’ve been through in the past year. I’m so incredibly thankful for him and feel that as long as he’s by my side, we can survive whatever comes our way.