Hope becomes such an integral part of the IF journey, we try to protect ourselves against the worst possible scenarios while still balancing the hope that what we so desire could really happen. And whether you’re spiritual or not there is a strong component of faith that occurs during the IF journey as well. Faith in the doctors, the science, ourselves to persevere & for some faith in a Higher Power. I heard this song on the radio this afternoon (Hope Now by Addison Road) & thought some of the lyrics were so fitting in regards to this complex balance of hope & faith that get us through the emotional ups & downs of not only infertility treatments, but the challenging times in life. In particular the following words stood out to me, “Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow.” I’m sure that many of you can relate to those words, when you know you have no more control over the outcome of the situation & you just have to wait holding onto hope.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Hope Now?
So my neurotic side has been coming out lately, I always thought once I reached the 12wk mark that would be it, I could announce to everyone that I’m pregnant with the confidence of knowing nothing tragic was going to happen & I could just go on with my happy pregnant self. Well now that 12wks has come I’m realizing it’s not the case & if anything I’m more worried now than before & I don’t feel quite ready to announce it to the world (i.e. facebook world). Recently some fellow bloggers have tragically lost their babies, which has left me feeling terribly saddened for them & to be honest completely unnerved with the reality that I’m not out of the woods yet. The worry is creeping in & I hate that OB appointments are only every month right now because I really need the reassurance of hearing my baby’s heartbeat. So I’ve decided that next week I’m going to call the OB & request to come in for a quick Doppler check just for the reassurance that baby is indeed okay. There is absolutely no way I can wait until May 6th at this point. I’m feeling fine & haven’t had any problems recently to cause this concern, it’s just there. If anything I’ve been feeling great as of late, more like myself than I have since this whole IVF process started, which on one hand is wonderful & on the other makes me worry that maybe something is wrong. Ugh, the anxiety never completely goes away does it? Although our close friends & family all know about the pregnancy at this point I’m just not ready to announce in fb land. I have an old acquaintance that recently announced her pregnancy on fb at only 5wks & now constantly talks about it. I can’t help but feel a little jealous at her innocence & confidence in nothing going wrong. I too want to share my happiness & excitement but the risk of what could happen still scares me too much to do so.
Hope becomes such an integral part of the IF journey, we try to protect ourselves against the worst possible scenarios while still balancing the hope that what we so desire could really happen. And whether you’re spiritual or not there is a strong component of faith that occurs during the IF journey as well. Faith in the doctors, the science, ourselves to persevere & for some faith in a Higher Power. I heard this song on the radio this afternoon (Hope Now by Addison Road) & thought some of the lyrics were so fitting in regards to this complex balance of hope & faith that get us through the emotional ups & downs of not only infertility treatments, but the challenging times in life. In particular the following words stood out to me, “Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow.” I’m sure that many of you can relate to those words, when you know you have no more control over the outcome of the situation & you just have to wait holding onto hope.
Hope becomes such an integral part of the IF journey, we try to protect ourselves against the worst possible scenarios while still balancing the hope that what we so desire could really happen. And whether you’re spiritual or not there is a strong component of faith that occurs during the IF journey as well. Faith in the doctors, the science, ourselves to persevere & for some faith in a Higher Power. I heard this song on the radio this afternoon (Hope Now by Addison Road) & thought some of the lyrics were so fitting in regards to this complex balance of hope & faith that get us through the emotional ups & downs of not only infertility treatments, but the challenging times in life. In particular the following words stood out to me, “Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow.” I’m sure that many of you can relate to those words, when you know you have no more control over the outcome of the situation & you just have to wait holding onto hope.
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16 comments:
Wow - thanks for commenting on my post tonight and I can't believe we had very similar themes! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way at 12 weeks. You should be ecstatic! I hope you know that we are for you...
My neighbor just told me they're 20 weeks along but had a miscarriage last summer and she STILL feels nervous/tentative about the pregnancy. It sucks that IF & loss does this to us!!! It's no fair.
And how can people possibly think they can start announcing at 5 weeks???
I hope you don't continue to feel this way for much longer. And that you get that doc's appt to help ease you. (((hugs))).
Yes, thank you for this post! This song is wonderful and definitely made me well up with tears...though that is a common thing these days. :) I can understand the questions and doubts that pop into your head, and I've heard from many that they don't go away once you get that long awaited positive. I hope you find peace with your pregnancy and have a smooth road ahead.
Thank you for this post. I think you captured it perfectly when you mentioned how we try to balance ourselves between the worst case scenarios and the hope that we truly will get the desire of our heart. As a Christian, I am currently stuck in this dilemma - am I simply being realistic in thinking "why bother even trying to conceive naturally", or am I failing to have faith that God is more than capable to see that miracle to fruition? I don't know...
But I am praying that God will give you a peace about your pregnancy.
I hope that you gain some confidence with this...12 weeks is a good marker, but I understand with all the losses lately. My friends announced pretty much the 2nd they knew....I'm talking after taking the HPT. Wow. But they really had no reason to worry. Anyway, hang tough, and have faith :)
You are right...the fear never goes away. It is something us IF girls have to live with constnatnly. It sucks. Just know that the bloggers that have lost their pregnancies are fluke incidences....it doesn't happen often...and it doesn't happen to everyone.
Sit back and enjoy this pregnancy. If you live in fear the whole time, this pregnancy will be over before you know it and you'll be at home with your baby wondering why it went by so fast!!
If it helps you....why don't you buy a fetal heart doppler to use at home. I bought the Sonoline and use it every other day and I LOVE it. I don't think I'd make it every 4 weeks to my next appointment without it.
I wish I had that innocence and confidence too. i am always so jealous of those that are able to not only get pregnant easily but also do not carry the worries and fears an IF survivor does. *hugs* I hope you are able to get the peace of mind you need and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy
Hey girl- sorry I have been out of touch for awhile. I was just going to say what Emily said. We bought one, feel free to borrow before you buy. I couldn't do it, I was so stressed out and it wasn't helping anything! Seriously, I got mine on Amazon for $60 and it is worth every penny! I will happily lend it to you to try out if you want- I 100% feel where you are coming from!!
becky, brianna had one of those doppler things and she carried it in her purse,more then once, twice, many many times i listened to halle's heart beat, it really makes it fun for us grandparents too, get one before this weekend so gram and gramps can hear the perfect little one's heart beat, they will love it. love you. praying for you.
I don't think the worry ever goes away. We know how fragile this all is and how hard it was to get here. Praying for you girl. And thanks for being so great!
Just wanted to say that I follow your blog, followed you from BBC...
I am new as a follower to the IF blogosphere, and thinking alot about starting one of my own, thanks really to your blog and those that you have mentioned along the way.
I can appreciate the fear and feelings of apprehension in just being able to sit back and enjoy things... Hopefully it will come for you, and take strength in the fact that many people, even perfect strangers like me, are thinking and praying for you... and every other woman dealing with IF out there...
What you wrote about balancing hope with realism was so on point, I want to quote it... like with quotation marks, and a dash and your name... i swear!
take care, enjoy your pregnancy, and keep up the fabulous blogging... :0]
Rebecca, I know exactly what you mean. And I have colleagues who have been announcing (from my perspective, anyway) premature news these days ... it just seems so unfair. Your OB should help you to find a way to feel reassured, to the extent that is possible. I would also encourage getting a fetal heart monitor, partly to calm your worries, but also to allow yourself to connect to that beautiful, miraculous small life growing within you. *hugs* to you ...
I find the IF blog-world to be a bit of a double edged sword. There is so much support and understanding. But on the other side, I read about tragedies I had never imagined before. As someone who is a born worrier, it just adds to my anxiety. Of course, it doesn't help that I've been on the wrong side of statistics through this whole process. :-/
I'm currently about 5 and a half weeks along, and at this point am just trying to hold out until 8w, which is where I lost my last pregnancy. But once we get past that, I think about when to reveal. I feel like I won't be ready at 12w. We see our families at 16ish weeks, but I worry they will be hurt if we wait that long.
See? I'm a worrier. But I'm trying to just look to each 'next step' and not worry beyond that... ha. I wish myself good luck in that. ;)
Hope you get some reassurance from your OB sooner rather than later. :)
ICLW
I get the fear. We didn't share our pregnancy news until I was 25 weeks pregnant! A little late, by then most people had guessed but were being too polite just incase I had managed to gain a bunch of weight in a round fashion on my belly.
As for the heartbeat, I strongly urge you to rent a doppler. It saved my peace of mind until I could feel regular movement. I got mine from www.babybeat.com and I got the cheapest one but it was worth every single cent!
ICLW
I'm behind on my blog reading, and so only commenting now. I think the way you are feeling is completely natural, especially given the fact that you're aware of all possible worst case scenarios. You'll never be entirely in the clear (even when the kid is 15...because then you're going to have to worry about him/her breaking curfew and driving too fast!). I also realize that it must be hard to ease into the comfort of the second trimester, just because you don't want the rug pulled out from beneath you. There are no absolutes. But the numbers are so overwhelmingly on your side by this point. Everything has gone right, and I'm going to have faith that they're going to keep going right (but I think your ordering the fetal heart monitor is an excellent move for your peace of mind). Hugs to you and to your little tiger.
((hugs)) i know all too well about this. the worry never goes away. now at 35 weeks i am still freaking out if i don't feel him move as often as i think he should be moving. and his hiccups always scare me. i guess that's what being a parent is all about :(
I'm 17.5 weeks now and haven't "come out" on FB yet, or to the general world -- I'm not showing yet, so it's not obvious. Just last week I started feeling the baby move, however, which has been hugely reassuring. It's wiggling around as I type. We have our big ultrasound this Friday and I'm considering posting something after that, but it's scary. It will always be scary after infertility, I'm sure.
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